Well, it's nice to know you'll hide things from me, and then lie about it. I don't care that you went out with my ex-boyfriend. I don't like him anymore, but he's not a quality guy...and I was only trying to protect you, when I told you don't get involved with him. But obviously, my words mean nothing to you. And my feelings must not mean anything to you. I don't care that you went out with him. I care that you didn't tell me, and then you changed your story...You told one of my closest friends that you went out with him for a week, but it was mostly online. And the only thing you'll tell me, is that you 'hung out with Nikki a few times.' Yeah, that's just not right.
This isn't the first time you've gone after an ex-boyfriend either. And that time, it hurt me. But I forgave you, and decided to give you another chance. Well, this time, I don't know that I can. I thought you'd changed, I thought you were going to STOP lying, and hiding shit from me. This would not have been a big deal had you told me the TRUTH. I know I asked you why Ryan was talking to you, and I bet you sought him out to talk to him. It's something you'd do, and that pisses me off. You told me he 'found' you on myspace. Reallly? I don't remember him knowing you...plus he graduated the year BEFORE you started high school. And I never introduced you two. He knew you as the weird chick who was throwing marker caps at the wall, and we had to have been 'high.' So he's not the type who would have searched you out. And that's what makes this worse, you started talking to him, I told you you shouldn't. But I'm not your mother, my words should not control your life. I might have been disappointed in you for doing what I told you not to, but I would not have been this angry. I'm really thinkin that our friendship has to be over. And you say, 'I can't live without you.' all the fucking time...why don't you make me see that you need my friendship? Because right now, I see nothing like that.
You're not mature. You think you are, but well, you're not. And I thought I could handle it, but I can't. You like guys who aren't your boyfriend--more than you like your boyfriend. But you don't talk to your boyfriend about what's bothering you. That means, you're really just leading him on. Some girlfriend you are.
I'm thinking our friendship is over, just like yours and Lauren's. I'm sorry, but I can't take your lying anymore. And I'm done dealing with it.
When I hear rumors about me I laugh.
So far I haven't heard a true one yet.
The thing that's really funny though, is when I laugh at them...I'm really laughing about how much it's going to upset me later.
See I don't get why people do those things or how they could even bring themselves to start saying something untrue in the first place. Maybe it's the fact that since everyone is so caught up in everyone else now adays that there will obviously be someone to believe it. Honestly, I think it's better that I don't know the reasoning...because then I wont end up like all of them.
But sometimes it sucks to have to scream the truth about yourself above all the whispering that's going on around you.
Ok... so i guess that i have a lot to talk about, and no one to talk to, due to the fact that my friends are all with the boyfriends that i don't have.
He's downtown right now. Seeing a show that I took him to. And... and i want to think that maybe at the end of the first act, he'll look to his right and realize that i'm not sitting there... and that he wishes i was. Maybe, when she hits that one note that makes everyone in the audience cry, and he doesn't have my hand to squeeze... maybe he'll miss me.
The last time i let someone hurt me, i thought it was the worst pain i would ever feel. I actually remember saying those exact words to him. Well. Not only do i feel worse than i have ever felt in my entire existence... i feel that i've now lost the ability to trust anyone... and that i never will be the different one, because it will always end the same.
I believed him. i made a vow to myself that i would never promise anyone anything, because you can't be certain of what will happen... and he changed that. i made promises, and i knew that i would keep them. and i believed him... i believed every word. and i think, maybe, the thing that hurts so much right now is that i can't say that he was lying. if anything, it's my fault, because i went against my own theory and it smacked me in the face.
I have told approx. 4 people that i loved them. three out of the four times it came out of my mouth, the little angel on my shoulder told me i was lying. and i knew it. there's no use in hiding it. i'm horrible, i'm spoiled, i'm immature. whatever. you know youve done it too. but this time... i was sitting on my driveway, staring at the stump that used to be my mailbox, shocked that i wasn't alone, and i waited for the angel. i did. and the angel never showed up. and looking back on it now, i can honestly tell you that this won't be one of those ordeals where i find someone else, and say that i never loved him. because it wasn't. it was pure, unconditional love.
at least that's what i thought.
People would joke with me about breaking up... and it never phased me. not once. not once did i ever think that this would happen... because i believed him. i believed him when he told me that i was amazing, and that he'd never been happier.
maybe i was. maybe he was. like nicole once told me, the "newness" everyone's so excited about is just infatuation... and once that's gone, and you're sitll happy... Well. that's love.
and i thought that when you love someone, you do whatever you can. for anything. to maybe them happy. to see them. to catch a glimpse of them walking to 5th period. to save your relationship. i dunno. maybe that's just me... but the fact that he promised me to never leave me alone... hell, that we'd be together for prom... and then, 3 months later... he's gone. he won't speak to me. answer my phone calls. look at me.
i just... i can't believe it's that easy to give up.
i'll never understand it.