I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope

To Daniel
I'm scared, I won't lie[anymore]. I wasn't looking for this - I wasn't looking for anything - I was[n't] looking period. You fell into my lap like late November snow on bare thighs; unexpected, unwanted, but for some reason welcome.
I'm not sure if your chain of events are completely healthy. From just kissing to..yea. We skipped a bit...and I didn't mind. But it solidified the idea in my mind - we're nothing. We just fuck around. No strings, No attachment, No nothing. Just some fun, for a while.
I'm [and have been]scared. I love you. I can't help it - and I'm sorry. I know you say you love me too, but I don't think you grasp the situation. You don't love me, you're fucking me. There is most definately a difference. But Dan...I love you. In an inconvienient, unfortunate, unexpected, annoying, hurassing, baggering, can't deny it even though I know I should, painful, make me hate you, love you kind of love.
I just thought you should know. I'm not just a quick fuck - it's a not-so-momentary love.
Me

To All the Boys who just found out I'm on the proverbial market again
Stop calling me. Just because I am not dating anyone specific and recently become sexually active does not mean I am going to have multiple crazy animal sex sessions with you. So Kyle, Travis, Derek, Kyle H., Jimmi, Mike, and Ant - Stop Calling,
My phone bill is going to be over it's limit soon.
Me

So, I lost my friend to Lukiema yesterday...and Kevin, he is going to Western this weekend to see some girl for her birthday. I am so mad at him and he doesnt even know it. I hate my life..I hate how people die..and I hate that I love my boyfriend so much that he doesnt even notice it. I hate how my life is going. Nothing good has happened in a week. WHY? A friend dies, a boyfriend that is supposed to be your best friend and is supposed to be there for you has no idea what has been going on in a week because he has spent no time with you, the boyfriend who is going away until Sunday and my dad who is moving to Texas is leaving around the sametime that Kevin is when he goes back to school...what did I do so wrong?

Why is this happening to me?