January 10th, 2006

(no subject)


It's so hard to put into words everything I want to say. I could hate you. So easily. I could take revenge. I could do so many things to make myself feel some sort of satisfaction. But as much as I want to, I don't want you to hate me.

Everything would be so much better if it were as easy as me forgetting this past year. I can't count how many times I've wished that I could. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt or be constantly thinking about you. There's just no middle ground. But it's impossible for me to imagine my life completely disconnected from you.

It's such a waste, our throwing away of almost a year together; It's probably why I'm having so much difficulty letting go. For a year, you were my life. Everything I did and was had some relation to you. And to cut off everything now is like trying to make a part of me disappear.

I know it's cliche, but you never truly know what you had until it's gone. I'll admit it- I took you for granted. But another cliche: I was scared. You knew so much about me. Possibly more than anyone else. All my secrets, my quirks... I cried to you and for the first time let someone see that I was only pretending to be strong. It terrified me that I was so dependent on you.

I know I can't blame everything on this, but I have never trusted boys. How could I? When my entire life I've been beaten down with the resolution that man is the bane of all existence. And it's not like I could ever turn to my own dad.

So when you pushed, I pulled away. And when you pulled away, I pulled even further. I was stupid to think that it was to protect myself.

As much as I always want to be angry at you, I'll forever know that it was I who couldn't be honest. I know that you couldn't tell me the truth, but it was in reaction to me.

And I'm sorry. Because even before "we" were, I didn't let myself fully be with you. I knew that I never would. I accepted us not being together, long before we were an "us." I set us up for total failure. You wanted forever and always, and I only pretended that I didn't. I was never fully comfortable with "meant to be." I couldn't let myself believe you. I held myself back because of some innate fear of abandonment.

But I pushed you there. Even though it was your choice to treat me the way you did, I know that it takes both sides to create a situation.

For over a month, I've wanted to completely hate you and be petty. I wanted sides and I wanted the world to know you were wrong. I wanted everyone else to hate you, too. Most of all I wanted you to regret and want me. My greatest revenge was for you to hurt. I wanted you to hurt because I DID. I wanted you to feel 50 times more than I did because I resented everything about you. But I still found no satisfaction in that.

I'm still looking for some way to get over what happened. I'm beyond wanting us back. There's too much there for us to work right now. And hating you obviously doesn't work because I wouldn't still be here.

As hard as this will be, I want to forgive you. I know we can't be friends, but I'm willing to settle for being on good terms. I haven't been able to completely move on because you became my best friend, and to lose that one outlet forever would completely break my heart even more than it has.

It's awful for us to completely avoid each other. I think the only way for me to fully be over us is to want everything good for you. And some day, when you're happy and I can be happy for you, I'll know that everything really was for the best.


What can I do to defy you?
What can I do to deny you?
'Cause I want no part of this breaking
This is a hurtful mistake you're making
And to me this love was true and shining
These years were real and defining
Please don't forget how much I meant to you
When you are redefined by someone new
  • Current Music
    Mason Jennings-- The Light Part II
mikanala; faerie

(no subject)

Dear You,
I cant believe you still like me.
Love me in fact.
Even after all the drama that's happened this last year.
You still want me.
It's mindblowing.

<3 me.
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    confused confused
connor O

(no subject)

hi, i am new to this community. I really need this to vent some emotions that have been going on for a real long time now.. Thanks:)

To you:

We lasted a real long time, you said you loved me and i knew that i loved you back. We still could be together now, but u said that we needed time apart, and that you didnt want a girlfriend right now. Yeaa it hurt but i understood, you wanted more time with your friends. I never hurt so much before. Its been about 5 months now, and i have never gotten over you, its so hard since the day we broke up we still act like we are dating, its like nothing changed. At the same time it feels very different. People say you use me, but i wont believe its true, i dont think you would ever do that to me.. We have talked many times and both of us have came to tears, thats what i love about us the comfort.. We both can show our full emotions, no secrets. I have been confused constantly since the day we ended.. "we can't be together... But i still love you" although that made me happy that you still loved me.. I just didnt understand the situation. You mean so much to me and you always have. I'm pretty sure that i have made that clear to you a thousand times. Its the new year now, and i think that its best if i know what is happening with us. I feel that it would be best if i moved on, Its going to be hard. I feel like such a loser cause after 5 months u have always been my number one, and i havent gotten over you yet. This whole thing has been driving me crazy. You are my best friend too, not just the one i loved. I can tell you any thing, we had something amazing. I hate to move on, But i have too.. its just been too long. I respect your feelings and your wishes, you are still my best bud, but for now.. Lets just stay friends. No more acting like we are together. Just Friends. I know you still love me, i can tell. I just dont understand what is happening. I am sick of waiting. You will always be a part of me. I have been scared to move on cause im worried that you will forget about me, and i dont want that to happen, next year we will be done school and i still want to keep in touch, you mean alot to me i would die if i lost you. For now im going to try new things, meet new people and see how that goes. I just need a fresh start. Thank you for always being their for me, i hope you understand. I love you, and i will always love you in some way.. Forever <3
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    sad sad