January 6th, 2006

(no subject)

sometimes, I can't believe how stupid I am.

I'm normally a really smart girl. I over analyze everything and I do really really love you. but what am I supposed to do? I waited for you while you were in boot camp for 6 months. LIVING IN YR LETTERS, surviving from phone call to phone call. and now yr locked up again. and I don't know how long for this time. so don't be mad at me when you found out what I did tonight. you know biladue and I have had a thing before. so I don't really think it should be that big of a suprise. you shouldn't find out. idk you probably won't actually. seeing as how he has a girlfriend and if I get in another fight I get put on probation 'cause I fight too fucking much. anddd felica and jessica and mike won't snitch on us. but idk. I feel like a whore. and not only do I feel like a whore, I feel nothing.

I've felt so fucking numb latley. not going to school,
and smoking and doing coke everyday will do that to you.

I thought you'de come back sooner.


If you only knew the kind of feelings I get when I am around you. The way you kiss me, the way you play with my hair. When I am around you everything I think is so much better. When I am not around you, I feel lost...like really empty inside. Do you know how much I love you? I know you arent ready to hear I love you and I have been holding it back because I dont want to scare you and I want you to say it when you really mean it, I just want to look at you right now and say I love you. Why do I have you? Why are you with me? I am not the greatest person...but yes, I dont want you to leave me, I want you to continue to grow with me...but are you going to ever give up on me? I spent the other night with you, it was amazing...and then I left in the morning..I didnt hear from you all day yesterday..did I do something? Gosh, I love you...is that okay?
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