January 4th, 2006

(no subject)

Dear Body:

Although I fully realize the stupidity and health risks it entails. . .

I wish I still had an eating disorder of some kind.

I never felt as beautiful as the days where I'd restrict myself to 100 calories a day and water.
And I know I'm a complete idiot for feeling that way, no need to tell me.
Still, I'm five foot one, 114 pounds. Although I lost 30 last year, I still feel like a heifer. What does it take?

Too bad I don't have that kind of willpower anymore.

sealing the envelope

surfer boy


good luck on saturday..i'm excited to come watch your match. i hope JV has time to go, i'd hate to drive all the way out there and not see your match. Okay..that's a lie. Honestly, I'd drive out there to the middle of no where rich rurals just to know I'm breathing the same air as you. Standing in the same building as you. Might have even the slightest chance of seeing you, smelling you, hearing you, sensing you.
i shouldn't be this way. it's like i said last night on the phone...i swear, i'm an emotional masochist. Why do I keep coming back for more. It's all so very...
" 'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?' Because It feels so good when I stop. "

i'm always here. and i make sure you know that - i go painfully out of my way to insure you know i'm always here for you. i call, even when i know Gina is going to hang up on me, without saying a word to you about my call - just for the slighest chance you may find out I rang. I walk over to your house in the summer, knowing i'll be heckled and tormented by your family, just by the slighest chance that your grandfather (you know he's the only member of your family that keeps the rest of them from stoning me) may tell you I stopped in.
i'm always here, and it doesn't even matter.
you could call. every fight we have, you promise you will. and i used to believe you...but for teh past year - i only pretend to believe it so we can stop bickering. you say you care about me, and rationalize your actions with the whole "I don't show i care about anyone" and it's damn not true, fuck it: Because if you treated everyone like you treat me, everyone would hate you.
I put up with so much, and keep comming back for more. It's like the glass looks is half empty and I have no hope - when the truth is
the glass is bottomless, and all I want
is More.


surfer girl
Base

(no subject)

Geez, I am such an idiot. You all have no idea. I mean God, you'd think I'd learn from falling in love with my best freind, ruining 2 relationships because of it, then getting rejected and having my heart broken, and then competly losing him. The 6 months we didn't speak I wanted to die. I felt like going through my days not talking to him was taking everything out of me. So you all think I'd fucking learn, well NEWSFLASH, I didn't. I fell in love with my best freind, broke up with my boyfreind Sam because of it. Then I thought I liked someone else, someone who was pretty cool, his name was Evan, and I was excited. I thought I was over Jeff, honest. Then come to find out Evan likes me, dude, jump for joy right? Well I did, and he asked me out the day before vaction [23] and all through vacation, I didn't talk to Jeff much at all, I talked to him like once, maybe, but I talked to Evan every blessed day. I really liked him, even though we had nothing in common. Then even today I was ok, I was just normal. We hung out, we talked, and we flirted which we always do just because we're flirts. I was possessive only in the way that he was my best freind and nothing more. Like this phyco bitch who likes him who I used to be really close with was bitching out how he wont commit and he didn't want a girlfreind and how she wasn't like his exgirlfreind Ali and she wasn't going to screw him over, and I knew who she was talking about and I was just checking becuase you honestly never know with her, and I'm like Jeff D******** right? Shes like yea My Jeff .I'm like you know what he doesn't like you, get over it, and hes MY Jeff. That pissed me right off. Grr. I'd what to do. I was ok, but then I come home and I'm like right he asked me to redo his myspace ok, here goes, and he had his picture up finally, and It was the picture me and Ali took like 2 months ago. And I was just like oh shit not this rollarcoaster again. I just can't get him out of my mind. The only thing I could do is just stop talking to him and I just can't do that. I mean I tried that before and it didn't work, did we learn nothing from last year. Arggg. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Grr hes called me, and argg, he can be so boring sometimes, we have nothing in common, NOTHING. ♥
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