January 2nd, 2006

frank

dear luke

why were you so goddamn attractive to me?

i spent four years just ... moping around after you.

i spent a lot of time trying to think up ways to tell you how i felt, to accidentally run into you at school, at the train station, to get a third party to weasel information out of you. juvenile, immature, but that was the only way i could deal with my infatuation. it sucked.

i'm pretty sure i was in love with you.

i really don't want to be thinking about you all the fucking time any more. especially now that i'm with someone who says he really likes me. (that's another letter altogether.)

i require closure. i haven't seen you in over a year now. despite that, there literally has not been a day when i have not thought about you. not one. everything and anything reminded me of you. even other guys reminded me of you because i would inevitably measure them against you. i'm serious, not one day...everything makes me think of you, and i wish it didn't. i was idiotically pleased when i was named a school councillor just because you were one too. i was again idiotically pleased when i got to take media, because you took media too.

i just want to know why i liked you so much, and why my giddy memories of the stupid short times we spent together won't go away. from an outside perspective, the "stuff" we shared was platonic and meaningless. we never kissed, we never saw each other outside of school (except once at rockit when my heart leapt into my mouth at the sight of you, and then i spent one 45-minute set hanging out with you, then beetled away in fright), we never seriously discussed "us"... because there was no "us", was there?

the only serious thing we ever shared was when i walked out of the house after a large fight with my parents and tried to go to school as upset as i was. i blubbered all over you, as i recall. possibly the most embarassing and public display of weakness i've ever experienced, and you were there for it. why? TWIST OF FATE UGHHHH :P

i'm pretty sure you didn't like me at any stage and actually...it was kind of cruel not to do anything about it. that hurt. but i suppose you didn't know what to do. i wouldn't know what to do in that kind of situation either, except run away like i usually do.

i don't know if i should say that i want to see you again or if i never want to see you again.

i'm starting a new life now. i ... still don't know if you should be part of it, i mean, just in my memory.

i remember you, more than i should, i think.

i don't know what to do. but i want to say thank you for unconsciously making me happy for four years.

-sam

that letter was just ... fahrked >_< ugh.

oh and

dear doug:

you make me so happy. but please. slowly. i've already explained to you that i feel uncomfortable with people touching me, yes, even you, boyfiend... occasionally. i also don't like it when you tell me a) how "beautiful" i am, and b) how much you love me while you're drunk. dear, i appreciate the sentiment but...sober. please. i like spending time with you. but i fell in love with your sense of humour and how you could argue with me forever without it getting personal. please keep talking to me. messing around on the couch is good and all, but i can do without it (because i don't like being touched...see?).

and we're not having sex until i'm goddamn ready :P

love you as much as any hormonally driven 17 year old girl can love,

sam.
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Dear Mom and Dad,

1. You started with taking away my sugar and butter. That wasn't that bad, I got you to buy sugar for me eventually. I needed sugar with my coffee. I'm still bitter about my butter though, nothing is the same as real butter. Now you take away my Orange Juice? and replace it with this fat free Tangerine shit? What the hell is up with that? Orange Juice is healthy and yummy, not to mention helps my fucked up immune system. Just because you guys think you need to be on a diet doesn't me you need to strave me. I can do that on my own, you should know that already! I have enough issuses eating it, why would you take it away from me? There is no food is this house to eat, ever. All we have is your fucking weight loss crap. Yeah I want to loose weight but I am told NOT to eat that crap. Okay, what do I eat then? You want me to get hospitalized (again) don't you? You know what happens if I get hospitalized for it again right? Of course you do, do you want me to get sent away? This isn't a good time to start pulling this healthy crap on me. I need fatty foods, even though I refuse to eat them. If they are hear I will have to eat them at least once an a while, because I have no other food to eat. I've gained six fucking pounds since September, do you know what that is doing to me? I weight one-hundred and twenty-five pounds, for heavens sakes. That number makes me want to start vomiting up all the food I've eaten today, which I can tell you isn't much. You'll never understand what is going through my head. I will not, I REFUSE, to gain anymore weight. My size three (and five) pants will NOT go any higher again. I worked to hard to get down here and I'm not going to loose everything I worked for. You both make me angry. LEAVE ME ALONE.