December 27th, 2005

(no subject)

"It was easy to wish to let go of the torture and the heartbreak and the missing [him]. It seemed easy, at least. But there was a catch. To let go of the pain, she had to give up the other parts too: the feeling of being loved. The feeling of being wanted and even needed. The way [he] looked at her and touched her. The way her name sounded when he said it...It wasn't the suffering she willfully clung to. It was the precious stuff. But the precious stuff attached her, irrevocably, to the pain."

Dear Jasper,



PS- Face the brutal reality that as much as you're still thinking about him, he's probably not thinking about you. AT ALL. It won't change things. Be happy that you don't have him anymore. Because isn't that why you broke up in the first place? Be honest with yourself. And GET OVER HIM. SOON. PLEASE.

(no subject)

So dear,
We haven't talked since last night...and somehow I expected you to call me. I think I was just hoping after last night you'd be the first one to call. Well I caved...And I called. But it really didn't matter because you didn't pick up your phone. Like always. It's alright, you'll try calling in a couple of hours if I'm lucky and you'll have some excuse. I remember before we broke up last time you always had to call me, and it upset you and you needed it bad that I still crave that? I have no self control when it come to calling you it seems. I just want to sit back and wait for you to call...even if it takes you hours and hours.

To Boy Next Door,

Your just that important in my life, and you cause that much.. not trouble exactly... but you bring out the most emotions in me. Happy, sad, mad.. everything.

Im really glad we talked..
I guess you dont think im "young and impressionable"? Im glad... and im also glad you know its much more than just infatuation. Because it really is more than that.. your one of the greatest guys i've ever met. Nice, funny, cute, sincere.. completely awesome. I was also excited to hear that your band is playing last at the concert on Friday, and that up until then.. all of you guys will be able to be in the audience. We'll get to hang out.. which makes me very happy. Good friends.. Very Good Friends.. its nice.
Im also excited that if you can figure out a fast an easy way, that your going to throw your underwear at me while your on stage.. either that, or give me a shoutout.. and come on, do you really need a reason to give me a shoutout? and if you do.. i have CF.. and the concert is a fundraiser for CF research.. thats reason enough, babe.
You know whats nice, though?
When i pointed that out to you.. you said you werent sure you should do that, because my CF might be a touchy subject for me..
You actually considered my feelings.. such a good guy...
Its not.. and you now know that, but thanks for asking me about it...

And also?
Thanks for telling me that you do like me.. that you do have feelings for me.. and that the age difference does suck.. believe it or not, just hearing that made it all better. Even if we cant do anything about it... even if we cant be together, even if we shouldnt want to be together.. just knowing that i wasnt the only one? It was a great feeling.

Thank You

Yours Truly,
  • Current Music
    "Things I Do" by Chantelle Paige


Dear &hearts,
I'm sorry about all the pain, the heartbreak, the torture. I'll be more careful with you. Promise.
Love, Me

Dear Mind,
PLease Stop fucking with me, ok? Thanks, that'd be great.
Love, Me.

Dear Ex-boyfreind,
I liked you, but I love you as my best freind. I didn't dump you because I don't like you, you just deserve better then me. You are so sweet and kind and innocent and caring that I'd just drag you down with me. I'd make you jaded and hard. I never want to do that to you. Best freinds for Life.

Dear Boyfreind,
You are my chance. You seem almost to good to be true. Don't hurt me. Please. I'm investing to much in you. You are meeting my 2 best freinds, the 2 people that no one has ever been good enough to meet. I'm pulling out the big guns. Don't fuck this up. Stay awhile. I'm really better then you think, I'm just fucked up. I really want to make this work.
Love, Me

Dear who-ever-the-fuck-reads-this,
I'm so sick of chaning for people. I am who I am.
&hearts I am a flirt
&hearts 90% of my freinds are guys
&hearts I hide 99% of my feels 100% of the time
&hearts I scare people
&hearts I am to intense for people
&hearts I am wise beyond my years
&hearts I've been through shit you can't dream up
&hearts I want to let you in but it's hard
&hearts I don't know who I am, I just do what I feel like
&hearts I WILL NOT change for anyone
&hearts I WILL NOT be anything for anyone
&hearts It took me 14 years to get where I am now
&hearts I've hit rock bottom
&hearts I've dug below rock bottom
&hearts I've come back up
&hearts I'm afraid to need people
&hearts People have fucked me over so many times that I'm scared shitless
&hearts I can't show emotion
&hearts I'm afraid to get married because my mom is so miserable
&hearts I am anxious, OCD, manic depressive, and intermintive explosive complete with anxiety and panic attacks.
&hearts Nice to meet you
&hearts I won't cry infront of anyone cuz I'm afraid no one cares
&hearts I can get by fine as long as I know nothing differnt then people not caring, its knowing people should care that bothers me
&hearts I can be a bitch
&hearts Sometimes I just don't wanna fucking talk to you, don't get all pissed, it will make it worse
&hearts Sometimes I wish I could be a loner for a day
&hearts I wish someone I know would read this and Care
&hearts I get along wonderfully with my mom, 80% of the time
&hearts I fall hard
&hearts I need one guy that knows everything to say.
&hearts I cut my own hair in an attempt to control something in my life because everything else just flys by without my concent.
&hearts Telling people how I feel about them scares the fricking piss outta me
&hearts Saying I love you is a HUGE deal to me
&hearts I can get so anxious/paraniod I get physically ill
&hearts I ignore physical pain
&hearts I get migraines everyday almost
So there you go, me. Hate me or love me, I am me. So fuck off.
Love, the one and only ME*
  • Current Music
    Fall Out Boy

(no subject)

I haven't talked to you for the most part all day. you called when you wanted to see what was so interesting and then told me about how your parents are worried you're going over on your cell phone minutes and how we should talk on our house easier for me to talk to you on my cell phone so you switch to your house line and I'll stick to my cellphone. and then I talked to you breifly on AIM you were already playing you Guild Wars so I decided to go tanning and you apparently went to get a new cellphone. And then we haven't talked since. You're over 1700 miles away and I miss you and I want you here to hold me and talk to me. I miss how you get up randomly and start checking things on rvb or other websites. I miss going to the union with you to get food at random times. i miss you and i fear that this game is going to make things even harder...we will actually have to try this semester no more classes together like last time. we have busy schedules on opposite days...we still need 880 kisses. oh and have you realized the last sunday of spring break is our six months and we're going to see that thing...even if you don't realize that it makes me happy. I honestly wish you were here and I could just see you and be held by you. I know I'm needy but I miss you.
wonka candy vs liquor

A glimpse into my heart...

I miss you more with each passing day. I can't believe that you're gone. Well, ok so I can believe you're gone, it's just hard. And it hurts. The only thing that I can grasp onto, is that you didn't want to stop being happy. I know that you love me, and mom. And that you're watching over us. You have to be. I thank you for finding the string to my light. It means a lot to me, because I always sleep with the light off and the fan on. And that makes everything so much easier for me.

I am doing better with everything. I've accepted it for what it was. And even though that hurts, it's the only thing I can do to fully move on. I just wish you could walk me down the aisle, or see me graduate, or do any of the things that a father's supposed to. I know you can't, but you'll see me from heaven. And that's my only consolation.

I love you always.

Your daughter.


I'm so happy we're friends again. It's nice to know that what I tell you, you won't repeat. I need to know those kinds of things. I love how silly we are together, but how we can also have some majorly serious conversations. It's just great to have a friend to fall back on when everything looks horrible.

I wish I knew how to tell you that God is only making you stronger, and hating him will not help. I can't tell you that though, you have to see it for yourself. It's not fair, but life is never fair. Even if you're going to lose your friends, you've got them now. And they love you. They just don't always know how to show it. I know that you'll make it out, and you'll keep going. Your mom doesn't seem to know how to act like a mom, and that's sad. But eventually you will be out of the house, and you won't really have to deal with her anymore. Just keep thinking that, and things should be ok.

I'm here for you always. I know that we've had our ups and downs, but I'm always ready + willing to listen to what you have to say now. And I'm just really happy that you want me to listen to what you've got to say.

I love you always.



I wanna know what made you so upset tonight. You weren't yourself, and I don't understand why. Do you not like that I hang out with Keys? Did I pay too much attention to her? If it's the second one, maybe you now have a taste of what you do to all your friends. You ignore people all the time. I'm getting frustrated with it. But I still want to know what made tonight different than last night. You had a great time with me last night, and tonight, was not the same. Is it the fact that we went to Katie's? Did that upset you? If so, why wouldn't you say it? You saw that it upsetted Keys. And it made me sad as well. Or are you angry that Keys cried? Bc if you're angry that she cried, well I don't know what to tell you. Because you weren't all that close with her either. But I hope that you tell me what was wrong...

I love you (even though you sometimes annoy me.)



I miss you, and I didn't even know you that well. It's so sad how you died at 16. And how your mother didn't go in after you. I hope you know just how much you're going to be missed. You had a huge impact, and everybody misses you. I'll never forget you. I have a feeling that when I go back to school, I'm going to expect to see you in the hallways, and I know that I can't. It's just something I'm not used to yet. I know that it's real, but it still feels like it's all a joke. You will never be forgotten, your friends will always remember what a great person you were.

I miss and love you, even though we didn't know each other.

And I send my condolences/prayers to your father, and step-mother. I know you're watching over them, and you'll take care of them.

  • Current Music
    the computer's whirring fills my ears. ;)

happy new years!

hey community,
i just wanted to say that i hope everyone had a great holiday! and i hope that everyone has a blast on new years eve and new years day. remember every new day, every new year is a celebration of life and where we once were and where we are now. there are no mistakes really, just lessons to be learned. hope you all realize that we are all stronger than we think and that rain doesnt last forever. and as u go into the new year i hope u are optimistic and i hope ur dreams come true, or if not that, just hope that you are on the TRACK you need to be on to get where you need to go.
love always,
  • Current Mood
    scared scared