December 17th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear You,


I wish I could say I am truly over you.

I remember, and I try to keep holding on. But somehow, those 11 months don't even feel remotely real to me anymore. There's no sense of reality, no form of the conrete. Like we were someone else's memory or a movie I vaguely recall. I don't even see your face when I dream. It used to be that I would tightly grasp every detail; the way your face looks up close, how you would snake your arms around my waist, the way we seemed to fit. I would relive those times over and over again. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I was so scared of losing you.

But we ended 2 weeks ago. And I won't say that I regret breaking it off. It's just that there's so much more to us. I always believed that no one else understood us; we were some enigma that kept going, even while the world watched, surprised that we still were. And I think that's why I can't stop. There's so much more I need to say to you.

I want confrontation. I want emotion. I want the raw brutality of honesty. I want to move on.

I keep telling myself to just let go, but I never knew that it would be this hard. I broke up with you. But it doesn't even feel that way. You took me for granted, you couldn't tell me the truth, you were a coward and took the easy way out. You chose to avoid me, and frustrate me into breaking up with you. Because you couldn't say what you forced me to do.

I want to revel in your regret. I want to relish the fact that you're guilty. And I want to break your heart. A million times over.

Because I've grown callous and cynical. And I won't be satisfied until I have more.

I don't want you. I want you to want to be with me.

So that, in my own twisted form, I stop.

I want to chase and the complexity. And when you make it easy, I won't want it anymore.

--Me.

(no subject)

I've been analysing everything over and over in my head, and I've come to the conclusion that everything was my fault. Not initialy, or purposefuly, but in the end of the day, if there were certain things I hadnt said, or if i hadn't trusted certain people or expected so much in people, then none of this shit would have happened. Well, alot would have, but not half so much.
And i'm so fucking sorry to have hurt you so much.
I think everything will be ok, i really do, I'm ok but i don't know how to fix things so you're ok too. All I can do is say sorry things turned out like this. I realise that when something breaks, it can only be glued together, not completely fixed, so cracks will always be visible.
I just wish i hadn't had such high expectations in everybody. I wish nothing had broken in the first place.
I wish I could turn back time, but i can't, and i think the only thing to do is just smile and keep going, that's what im doing now, and it seems to have worked a little. Just smile and keep going, everything will be ok.

Niamh