December 11th, 2005

(no subject)

I miss you so much that it hurts. I waited online for you yesterday, for 18 hours, but you never showed up. I haven't talked to you in two weeks and it's really starting to worry me. I'm sorry I'm not online today, but I had to go to my Grandmother's, being hy you'd be reading this...
You know, I'm getting a reputation because of you. I was asked out four times last week alone! Among the girls..Hn. Well Clearista referred to me as "whipped."
You know what I love though? I love it when people refer to us and say our names in one breath together. It's "Dev and Liz," like "Breezy and Trevor," or "Jami and Craig," and instead of "Dev, and Liz, and..." That's one of the silly things that makes me smile almost every day.
I'm sorry I wasn't online last weekend, if you were, but I was baking christmas cookies literally ALL weekend.

I adore you. I love everything about you, from the fact that you are metro to the way you have knobby knees. You have no idea what I'd give to be with you. I get the strangest sensation, when I'm without you like this...
It seems like you've gone, and you left footprints and fingerprints and handprints on all of me, so that I can never be  the same.  When you left, you took a big piece of me with you. Quite logically, when you're gone and I wonder what is left of me, a small part will answer that Liz is left. But then a much bigger part of me corrects them, because it's not true. Bits and pieces of what was once me will stay, of course, but there's most of me that is different now, and will never be who she was before...

Any time you have a moment to yourself, and you happen to wonder about me- You can bet that at that exact same instant in time, I am thinking about you.
I'm a hopeless romantic, I apologize, but sometimes it helps just to look up at the sky- because I know that it's the same one you're seeing.

Missing you is like a sharp, twisting ache in my chest, and I'm not at all sure that anyone but you could fix it. I actually really doubt it.
It makes me wonder if you've missed me, like you seemed to before. But it's entirely possible that you haven't, at all.

You and Breeze are all I have left now.

My weeks have sucked, and they've been made much worse because I've been deprived of you.
It's now 9AM, and I'm going back to bed. I couldn't sleep before, and I doubt I'll be able to now, but I ought to attempt it.

This is me missing you.
I love you more than you'll ever know.

Yours, always,
xox-Liz(zy)/Devi/Chew-toy/whichever you prefer-xox

Oh! P.S.: I almost forgot to mention how much I hate times like this. So, if you dislike them as much as I do..
If there's ever a time when you're looking for me and can't get ahold of me, write me something in your livejournal. The one Bee and I made you- God, it seems like an eternity ago. Ask her for it, and log into it- I believe the password is 'devisadork' or something of that nature. She'd remember. Anyway, once you log in, along the top blue bar, go to journal, and when another bar drops down below it, click on "update". A blank white box will come up- on the right-hand side on the bottom of the box, there will be a small link that says "Rich text." Click on it, then use the big box to type whatever you want. when you're done, at the very bottom, hit "update journal". Don't worry about any of the other buttons, unless you ask Bee for help- she can probably explain it better than I can here. That is, if you want to do any of it. You're more than welcome to completely ignore it. I just thought it might make things a little easier.

I love you.
surprise batsecks

(no subject)

Hey babe.
It's been a month. It doesn't feel like that long, huh? While I was at your house, I was thinking of all the quirky little things that you do that I like. And... what the hell. I decided to post them here. I know you read this occasionally. So...

I love...
- how your pants hang off of you when you take your belt off and I can see your boxers.
- your "curves" even though you claim not to have any. You do.
- your bad ass tendencies that I didn't know about until I started dating you
- your ability to do with or without certain things
- when you put your hood up on your hoodie, trying to be a hoodlum, but end up channeling something like an 8 year old.
- how certain things make you shudder... like nails on the back of your neck.
- the laugh you give when I tickle your breasticles chesticles.
- your straightforwardness. To put it as you did, "I'm not advertising it... but when asked, I'm not going to deny it."
- how I can predict when you're going to get up to change the song on your Winamp. It's a bit annoying at times... but oh well.
- your random thoughts and general knowledge of everything
- your ability to rationalize anything to make it work your way
- the way you hold me when we're together.
- your ever present warmth. And your solidity. Though it does hurt sometimes... it's well worth it.
- your spelling. It's one of the few things I can hold above you.
And probably most of all...
I love what I see when I look into your eyes.
  • Current Music
    "BYOB" -System of a Down

here's a toast to fake smiles & liars

dear fuckface,
i hope that everytime you think of what we had, you'll remember how you'll never have me back again. i hope everytime you see me, your eyes burn and fill with tears once you remember everything put me through. i hope you remember everything i did for you and how i was always there for you. i was only just a phone call away. when i needed you, you never seemed to be there. but remember, it's all my fault. i hope that you and your little friends have fun calling your next girlfriend and ripping her apart on three way like you did with me. oh and you can leave her little messages, too! oh wait, shit i forgot. you're probably never going to have another girlfriend. they can all see through your fake smile. well congratulations, you fooled me. you made me love you. but, i don't anymore. it's funny how it came and went so fast. you're so messed up. i hope you try talking to me and once you open your mouth you have nothing to say but how you're so sorry. but, this time i won't be fooled. i've given you so many chances. this was your last. don't ever call me "pookie" or "love" again. i'm not your fucking pookie bear.
lovinglyhatefully yours,

(no subject)

dear man at the grocery store,

although you werent the only one to donate today, you were the most generous. and to me that is the most honorable quality to have. i just wanted to say thanks, from me, my school, and the homeless that you surely helped today. you must be an amazing person to give that much to people you don't know during this holiday season. 'greatly appreciated'

-annie. :)
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    chrismas music!

best friends means you get what you deserved

Dear comrades, enemies, && anyone else in my life,

i feel sick. my stomach is queasy, my eyes burn, my head hurts, my mouth is dry, every single muscle in my body is aching && my back hurts. my body warm, yet i keep getting chilled.

i think it's cuz i'm sick.

but maybe it's because everything is catching up to me. maybe from the last year is catching up to me && taking it's toll on my poor, tired body.

i can deal with the fact that i have lost scott && bobby. mainly because the hatred i have for you, scott, is only compareable to that i have of katie. i hate her with such a vengance && i never knew i could have that much hate in me for another human being, but you sure take the cake there, scottie. i can't believe you && i can't believe your actions. but i'm sure you'll twist everything in your mind so that way i am the one at fault. because you always do that. i just. . .i don't have enough energy in me to keep this up anymore. i don't have enough energy or will to want to bitch you out. so i hope that something bad happens to you. i really do. i hope that you feel pain, for real, instead of that fake pain you insist to feel to get attention. i hope the next time you use self inflicted harm to get me, or tommy, or any one else to feel empathy for you, that you mess up && end up hitting the right vien.

i'm going to hell for hoping this.

but i hope it all the same.

i can't believe you would post a picture && "advertise" on your xanga for my replacement. or tell stephanie that I was the one that ruined the group. no, scott. you were. not me. because of your horrible insecurities, your need to pit me && tommy against each other, your constant demand over my immediate attention, your pitying act, your fits about when i can't live up to your expectations.

the truth is, i never loved you. you were a fool if you ever think i did. but i was honest about it, right from the begining. even when we were together, you knew. but it was only a week anyways!!! how the hell did you get so much drama out of a doomed, weeklong relationship?? one we BOTH knew would end before to long, despite promises of lies.

i don't understand you, scott. i don't understand how you could be so two faced. tommy told me the one time that he was "hating" me, that you told him "good job, i'm proud of you." but the whole time, you were sweeter then sugar to my face. but i know what it was. you were happy that tommy && i weren't on speaking terms, because that ment i was all yours.

fuck that, scott.

i was never yours. && i mean never.

i can deal with the fact that you've replaced me. but tommy?? if he ever replaces me, i dont know wtf i will do. i would be so lost. my three best friends, tommy, marianne && stephanie. without him. . .oh man, i don;t even want to think about it.

but tommy, you treat me badly sometimes too. catt was yelling at me earlier for it. && i always hop right into defense mode && defend you, despite the fact that everything she is saying is true. because i have faith in you. you know, when everything is good between us, everything is REAL good. but when it's bad, it's the worst thing in the entire world. && i have this belief that one day you'll grow up. i know deep down you appriciate me. i know you love me. so i'm okay when you have an off day. cuz, to be honest, i'm no angel to you either, sometimes.

today stephanie told me that no matter what, she would never replace me. it's mind blowing to me how she can be so forgiving. i was so mean to her last year, i was a horrid, horrid person. yet, now here she sits, telling me i'm one of her best friends && that she loves me. it's vice versa, by the way. but if i were in her position, i really don't think i would have forgiven me. i'm so glad you have, stephy. i really have no secrets from you, which is something i can only say about two or three people in this entire world. i would seriously go to the ends of the earth for you, Palondhar. i hope you know how truely, deeply && honestly sorry i am for ever commiting ANY wrongs against you.

marianne, i miss you.

nik, chris, raina, i fucking love you guys && i hate that i can't see you every weekend, or on the school breaks like i used to.

i'm miserable tonight.

but i appriciate all of my fucking friends.


&& scott, i know no matter how much this upsets me, i know you living without me is killing you a thousand times worse.

  • Current Music
    taking back sunday- cute without the 'e'

Dear Dad,

I need a fuckin space. I am tired of you telling me what is wrong with me and you never encouraged me. There is no one in my life that hurted me more than you did with your harsh words and what not. Just coz you were smart, intelligent and bright doesn't mean I have to be so. I wish I was but I'm not. I really am sorry. But I can not do anything about it. It is not easy to do whatever you say. I am fuckin tired of you torturing me emotionally soo bad. I wish I were your perfect daughter. But I am sorry I am not. You meek feel like a piece of shit that isn't worth anything. And I do feel so most of the time. I really hope I were what you expected me to be.

I don;t like. But I love you. Right now, I hate you.
Your ugly, shitty unworthy daughter. As per you said.

Thanx for reading.
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    depressed depressed