I haven’t left the house for weeks, though it is no record. I’ve gone longer without seeing a stranger’s face. I know no one is missing me.
I’ve been thinking of making myself sick again, and I don’t know why. I’m beginning to think there’s something inside of her that actually likes to feel this way.
I seem to confuse those around me with the things I try to say, enough so, that I even confuse myself. But it’s the things I don’t say that mean everything and nothing, because no one can understand and I don’t give them a chance when I am silent and falling quietly as the new snow. I love how cold it feels tonight.
My room is warm for the first time since summer and I can’t sleep in it. I suppose I’ve gotten so used to the empty grip of cold, stagnate air. The windows aren’t frosted now and I can see the sky, though no stars shine for me tonight.
I didn’t sleep much last night. I forgot to turn my brain off. I was thinking of the things I want and need to do, everything I haven’t done and acknowledging that somewhere along the way I lost myself… and I don’t know if I can get her back. Sometimes I hate her for doing this to me, to us. What a ruin she has made us. It seems she’s left and now there’s this empty shell to mark the only remainder of her. Sometimes I feel her presence still, or hear her whisper to me, and I let that faint little glimmer of hope shine through again, only for a few passing moments and it is banished from my heart once more.
I feel like a ghost, drifting through time that moves so fast I can’t keep up, and it almost begins to feel like it has stopped completely. I remain the darkness that goes unseen in the night and the corner that remains untouched to the day. I’ve become afraid of the sun again for reasons I can’t explain.
I almost stopped breathing last night and choked on the breath caught in my lungs, I was pleased to know there was still a panic, which I hope means that she is still here with me, somewhere, hiding in the stark frame of a winter soon to be .
Sometimes I just have to feel my heart to make sure it’s still beating, and when I confirm it is, I can only wait for the light of tomorrow and linger in the memories.
Just a little while longer, she said.