December 10th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Nobody,

I haven’t left the house for weeks, though it is no record. I’ve gone longer without seeing a stranger’s face. I know no one is missing me.
I’ve been thinking of making myself sick again, and I don’t know why. I’m beginning to think there’s something inside of her that actually likes to feel this way.
I seem to confuse those around me with the things I try to say, enough so, that I even confuse myself. But it’s the things I don’t say that mean everything and nothing, because no one can understand and I don’t give them a chance when I am silent and falling quietly as the new snow. I love how cold it feels tonight.
My room is warm for the first time since summer and I can’t sleep in it. I suppose I’ve gotten so used to the empty grip of cold, stagnate air. The windows aren’t frosted now and I can see the sky, though no stars shine for me tonight.
I didn’t sleep much last night. I forgot to turn my brain off. I was thinking of the things I want and need to do, everything I haven’t done and acknowledging that somewhere along the way I lost myself… and I don’t know if I can get her back. Sometimes I hate her for doing this to me, to us. What a ruin she has made us. It seems she’s left and now there’s this empty shell to mark the only remainder of her. Sometimes I feel her presence still, or hear her whisper to me, and I let that faint little glimmer of hope shine through again, only for a few passing moments and it is banished from my heart once more.
I feel like a ghost, drifting through time that moves so fast I can’t keep up, and it almost begins to feel like it has stopped completely. I remain the darkness that goes unseen in the night and the corner that remains untouched to the day. I’ve become afraid of the sun again for reasons I can’t explain.
I almost stopped breathing last night and choked on the breath caught in my lungs, I was pleased to know there was still a panic, which I hope means that she is still here with me, somewhere, hiding in the stark frame of a winter soon to be .
Sometimes I just have to feel my heart to make sure it’s still beating, and when I confirm it is, I can only wait for the light of tomorrow and linger in the memories.

Just a little while longer, she said.

- A.

Its Him

Kevin you mean so much to me, I am so happy that we finally have the chance to be together...again...the first time was a rough one but maybe this is the chance to make things perfect between us again. You are by far the most amazing guy I have met. The way that you look at me the way that you kiss me. I feel so beautiful when I am with you, I have never felt that way before. You touch my heart in so many ways. Is it possible to fall in love this quick or this soon? Gosh...Im lucky...we are lucky! Its time to break down my barriers and let you take my heart in your hands. I have to stop being so afraid because not all guys are out there to hurt me...I need you...I need your help to overcome these fears...are you ready? "I wish things could be perfect with us" (Do you remember that?) Well, baby...its just beginning!

(Hi, im new everyone)
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(no subject)

there's never a good moment tot ell this to you and I really don't want to do it on AIM. So I will post it here knowing you'll never read it.

calm down, I'm not breaking up with you. I just need to let you know how I feel.

the other night you said something about the movie theater off campus and how we wouldn't go to t hat showing because it was off campus. Is this what we are. An on campus couple and a couple when we go to phoenix. I want to go out to dinner with you. I want to go to the park and have a picnic but we've discussed all these things and it sucks because I can't force you to go because you're the one who has to drive...unless we walk to the park which is completely possible seeing as I did it today. We went stargazing once and that was cool but it wasn't could have been though.

you tell me that you love me but I don't believe you. I really want to but at times it feels like you don't want to be around me at all. if I get on your nerves tell me what annoys you and I'll work on it. You said the other day that at times you get worried/scared and wonder if I'm the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. why don't we fix this, why slow down until you know you want to be with me. I find it wierd that you were saying that you loved me first and really early in this relationship( keep in mind it's almost three months, that's it) and yet now you're the one that's timid about the future.

hun, I love you but I don't want to force you into anything you're not ready for. I know that we both have protective walls around us and that slowly each of us is breaking them down but if we need to go slower that's fine. Just please if something is wrong let me know...and maybe I'll let you in on this letter.

honestly I just want us to be able to talk

(no subject)

To you both:

I know you believe I have no knowledge of it. However, I'm not a little kid anymore. I can read book titles and prescription labels. Hiding this from me is absurd. I can not ask questions nor get answers. Was it in part my fault? Could I have prevented all of this? Probably not. I'm sure I would get the usual answer, it's not my fault and it's not my problem. I don't believe any of that. It's not just a betrayal of one person, it's a betrayal of the whole family. Currently I am unsure how you expect me to trust anyone. My emotions vary between anger and hurt but they will not settle on either. You do not realize that you are the lucky ones, you get to choose to love each other. I do not have a choice; I must love you. Yet, so much of me is filled with hatred. You set a horrible example for me. Will I inherit this disgusting pastime? I am expected to face the world as a strong and confident individual but that does not seem feasible when even my parents believe I am too immature to handle this. Don't be a bitch, be strong. That's not like you though. You are weak. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to become you. As often as you deny it, that poem is about you. You were supposed to love me, not destroy me.

Your loving (at least that's what they tell me) daughter.

(no subject)

dear _______,

this is nothing new.  you know everything already and i'm trying my best to hide everything and anything from you.  i'm entirely too scared of living.  and of monsters.  and of the dark.  i don't like it when you don't understand...  or don't listen... or don't care.  it makes me hurt.  i hate to hear my parents fight because it leaves me cold and hopeless on the floor of my room.  i don't like it when my little brother goes out in the morning and doesn't come home til late night.  or how my sister parties way more than i do.  it wasn't supposed to be this way.  i'm scared shitless of pills because i overdosed on them a month ago.  i'm afraid that i might have a mental illness and how i'm going to let that define who i am.  things are supposed to be getting better.  but it seems like they're not.  and i'm tired of hoping and wishing and waiting and whatever.  seventeen years and already jaded and pessimistic.  it wasn't supposed to be like this.  i used to believe in God, and now i'm not sure if i exist either.  i sleep entirely too much because that's the only way i know of escaping this reality.  i'm scared.  i'm so scared.  i'm on the verge of something new and i'm afraid of falling.  i have a great boyfriend whom i love very much... but i can't help feeling like i'm waiting for things to just... crash.  i don't know.  i don't know.  i'm thinking i need a make-over...  don't save me.  i'm not worth it.

yours truly.