December 4th, 2005


(no subject)

dear boyfriend,
i'm sorry. i'm sorry a million times over again. i can't believe i kissed a boy that wasn't you. it sucks more cos you always thought i liked him. but i don't. you're the only one i want to be with. i don't remember it that well, either. i'm so fucking sorry. maybe our relationship won't work out. you're always making me cry, and now i have a reason to upset you. i'm never drinking again.
sarah [the stupidest whore ever]
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(no subject)

dear you

we used to be such good mates. if we could call it that. do you remember all the nights we'd talk for hours on the phone. i miss those. i wish i could have a conversation once a month like that with you. i miss you. i miss those times with you. i miss all the crap we used to talk about. i miss how you used to let me win the competitions. if i wanted free cinema passes i only had to ask and you could get them for me. I miss caling you up and talking about my day and sitting there for hours while you did your show. you used to say that i was too young. i used to always believe that if i was older and we had met through normal means, and not a radio station we would be good mates. the kind that would meet up randomly and see a movie or go for a drink. remember in the days before email i used to text the studio? one night you went online and replied and i was so ecstatic about it. i used to wait all week for my saturday nights so i could get a bottle of something in, listen to you and talk to you for ages about anything and everything. You used to help me out with stuff, like homework or general advice. i turned to you in times that i didnt turn to anyone else. we used to have a good laugh. I always laughed at how you would answer the phone with a stupid voice when you thought it was me and sometimes you'd get caught out and it wasnt. Now i'm 23 and i dont listen to the radio station anymore. I don't speak to anyone at the station except you on occasion. why can't it be like i always wanted it to be? I just wish we could be normal mates, emails, random phone calls etc.

Do you remember that time a yr or so ago when i came to you when I was havin a problem with Steven? You gave me your other email address and we spoke about it and you helped. that made me feel so much better and i will alwyas be grateful for that.

i email you now and then but it feels like if i dont have a specific reason for doing so you dont reply. I'm older now than what you were when we started talking and i miss you. i think of you now and then and i wish that you would email me out of the blue just to see how i was doing.

you used to always freak out if you thought i fancied you. that makes me laugh. no chance of that now since i am engaged and have been for years.

I want to send this, a huge part of me wants to take that risk and send it. i want you to know how i feel. there's nothing more to it than i miss you as a friend. thinking of how you used to act,i'm so scared that this might scare you off completely and i never speak to you again. i'm terrified that that will happen and i will lose what little i have of you left. there's nothing more to this than i miss you and wish that you would just email me out the blue now and then, text randomly...not having to go through the radio station anymore. its too much of a gamble that i am too afraid to take. I'm scared you'll dissapear out my life, or that you'll just laugh it off like you do, or that you'll say i never meant that much in the first place, or that you're afraid i'm going to start stalking you again, i'm scared that i never meant much and you only put up with me.

i just wish with all my heart and all my soul that we could be mates like before

(no subject)

Dear You,

No more of those My Dearest A letters. Those days are long gone. I can't believe I trusted you. I told you everything about me. About my family's divorce, my mom's problems, my sisters, my eating disorder. I though I could keep my secrets safe with you. It even took me months to even tell you anything. But I still spilled my heart out to you. I've realized that even though we were together for 11 months (how nice was it that we broke up on our 11 months?), I didn't know much about you. I told you everything; but you couldn't be honest with me.

Now that we're not together, I see that I didn't know anything about you. I can't believe I gave you everything. I can't believe I ever kissed you. I can't believe I opened up to you. I can't believe that I thought you were worthy. I can't believe I convinced myself that you were different. I can't believe I ever fell for you.

We were together for almost a year, but you couldn't be straight with me. Meek little me had to confront YOU about the things that YOU had to confront ME about. And when given the chance to be completely and utterly honest, you still chose not to be. It wasn't like at that point we were trying to save anything, so don't even pretend like it was to spare my feelings.

And I even apologized to you? When you're the one who cheated on me? You're the one who prides himself in being able to be straight with anyone- no matter how blunt it i, yet you couldn't even break up with little me? I'm sorry, but you are nothing like I thought. I had convinced myself that you were some sort of amazing. Because you were my first, I idealized everthing about you, and refused to see or accept your faults. I was one of those girls that pretended like she didn't notice. I became one of those girls that I hate.

What puts me the most off is that you would rather avoid me for weeks rather than just break up with me. Oh big bad you, can't even break up with his girlfriend? And even after 11 months, couldn't be a bigger person and just say what was wrong?

Yes, I know I made a mistake that night. I wasn't fully honest with you. You scared me that night. How am I supposed to tell you I love you when I'm not even positive that I believe in true love? I sure as hell didn't learn it from my own parents. A marriage and a family based on a rebound relationship. And you think that I would be ready to jump into a long term "love" relationship with my very first boyfriend, at SIXTEEN? I loved you, but I wasn't in love with you. And that was the difference that drove us apart. And I apologized for it.

Even after everything, I still RESPECT you. And I choose to not make what happened between us anyone elses business. I didn't tell them about how you felt when your aunt died, or anything about your family. But obviously not only did you not want to be with me, but you did not want to respect me. You cheated on me. You weren't honest with me. And you told every one about the break up.

It's funny how I wasn't the one that got dumped, yet I chose to not say anything. Essentially it was mutual. I wouldn't have broken up with you for another person; I cared about you more than that. But the mutual part? You treated me like shit so that you could frustrate me into breaking up with you. You didn't have the balls to do it yourself, so you dragged it out. Ruined my SENIOR homecoming night. Didn't even acknolewdge my birthday. Played games with me. But I was better. I could play games too.
And now here we are.

I'm sorry I made you such a jerk. I was way too nice for you. You need someone who won't be your doormat. You took advantage of me and you lied to me. I hope one day you find that girl that can set you straight.

As for me. You tainted me. My first real relationship, and I was cheated on, lied to, and taken advantage of. They say the first relationship is what defines how a girl will be in every relationship. And I've learned my lesson. You've made me a bitter, cynical girl that will never ever let a boy have as much leway as you did. Because of you, I am angry and I will not trust boys as I did you. I won't be nice. I will play games. And I refuse to ever be lied to again.

I hope you'll be happy with Miss Slut-berry Shortcake. But I hope you know that neither she or ANY other girl will EVER treat you as nicely as I did. And when she cheats on you, or dumps your sorry ass, DON'T look at me. I will be far away from you.

I've learned my lesson.