I'm not really sure if that does annoy you, but it's my habit, so until you say it does, you'll remain as such...
Anyway, I think today I finally was able to articulate my thoughts on things a bit better, and I think you know what they are, hopefully.
It really sucks that there has to be a first time.
It also really sucks that the only thing we're not just straight out with is the whole physical thing. Nearly everything else is just like...there.
Which I really like.
I way more than like you so much more,
for derek,promises to myself.
i promised i would never speak to you again. i promised i would never look you in the eyes again. i promised i would never let myself pity you again. i promised i would hate you - i promised i would hate you forever, and i promised i would stop hating me.
for the love of god, what is wrong with me? you tried to kill me. twice. i still spend nights waking up in a cold sweat from a dream in which i felt your hands around my neck - i get out of bed and check the mirror for bruises, just in case. just in case.
but here i am, thinking about you again - and i know. i know. i know i'm going to be judged..."how could you even think about him ever again!" but i am. i'm thinking.
you've been trying to talk to me - and i let you two days ago. i'm just pretending i'm mad today because i don't think i'm ready. i can't face you - even after a year and a half. but i miss your voice. i miss your eyes. i hate hating you. and i don't like me any more.
or do i?
i don't know - you were always smarter than me. so tell me, is it better to live with danger without rational fear, or better to live safely with the irrational fear of loosing us?
My life is in your hands at this moment. What you chose to do with it I can't help, but you know the consiquences either way. You know I <3 you and you're a great friend. I'm trusting you. The end.
I haven't left my house in two days, if I don't make it out today...it'll be number three. I'm putting off taking a shower (which isn't like me at all) and eating because every time I eat I feel sick to my stomach. I remember this feeling. I don't care what anybody says, I haven't been to this place in a while. I haven't even been on the computer alot... am I really going crazy?
You're mine, all mine...and I'd like to keep it that way. I realized how much of a bitch I've been to you, and now I'm going to treat you how you deserve. It's like I just got it through my thick skull that you'll treat me the same back. Trust is still a big issue but I'll hold back my nasty comments no matter how wity they are haha. I "aw my baby" you. I mean duh, my boobs grew two sizes Just for you!
Haha I love you.
Thankyou for buying my ticket! I'll pay you back. Can't wait for the four of us to hang out on Sunday. It shall be fun!
Thankyou for dealing with me being so needy but if you can't find my birth cirtificate and I can't graduate I'LL BE PISSED.
so i've been lying. a little, anyway. so i'm not over you compeletely..or at all..or something. so i've been doing everything in my power to convince you that i'm chill with being just a friend, including: beating you up in a best friendly manner, pretending to be mad at you so you will keep you distance, etc. i'm a loser. i know.
..and so what if i know that you're just doing the same thing to me?
....so what??? ^ that's everything, that's what. ^
tomorrow will be one month. and it doesnt seem like it's been a month. it seems like it's been a week. but the best week of my life. and i havent seen you for 2 days, and i miss you, and all i want to do is be in your arms. and you tell me that they want to meet with you, and that they want you back up there to play, and thats so good. but i'm gonna have to miss you more, and it makes me sad when i have to miss you, cause well... i kinda like you.