November 17th, 2005

I feel so alone. . . . .

Dear Ray,

I would never want to put anymore pressure on you than you already have, that is why I am writing this, knowing that you will never read it. You have been a wonderful man and work very hard for your family, but I am so lonely, I don't know how much longer I can keep things going without cracking.

I put alot of effort into the girls and making them happy. Sometimes I think I am too involved in their lives. Especially Kim's, her relationship with Chris has given me excitment because it reminds me of us when we were younger. But they are experiencing their first big disagreement and she wants me to tell her what to do. Now that she has me thinking about it, I find myself wanting to tell her things that would keep them together. But then again is that only because I am missing something that she is experiencing and want to see that the love and affection between two people still exists.

Honey, I miss your touch and your kisses. We have not been alone together for a very long time now. If I was to complain to you, I already know what the answer would be. I know that you work alot of hours and when you do get a day off you have other things that you want or need to do. I just hate being alone all the time. I feel ugly and untouchable. I really need to feel good and loved again. I find it very hard to function sometimes and I know there are things that I should do, but all I think I really need is you. Your company, companionship, alright I will just say it, I want to have a night and just fuck like dogs. Get drunk and shower with you, run aroung naked and just let the world go on without any thoughts of it.

I dont know how much longer I can keep my head on straight. The girls think I can get through anything and be happy all the time. But too many nights go by that I cannot sleep, I think about things too much, things that maybe I shouldn't and I really feel like I am falling apart lately. I see Jessie and her angry moments with me as a sign that I am slipping and not being there for her. She is growing up faster than Kim and she sees alot more than Kim did at her age. But I dont think she will be as honest with me as Kim is. I am worried that if I don't get things straight in my head, that I will miss something with her and she will lose out on some things.

OK, I think that maybe I have released enough here and I probably can get some sleep now. So goodnight.

I love you
  • Current Music
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(no subject)

Good sister, bad sister. Better burn that dress, sister. Scar tissue, blood blister. Suck up on the dreg, sister. But I can't and I want to so bad and, I try but I can't and I want to so bad and, I try but I can't and I want to so bad and. Good sister, bad sister. You're different from the rest, sister. Choke, strangle, rip, trist her. Sell me down the river, sister. I try, but I can't and I want to so bad and, I try, but I can't and I want to so bad and, I try, I try, I try. Come here and sit and talk about it just for a second, yeah, you sit back down. You're choking on big, black, bloody mouthfuls of it. You left me lying in your dog descent, and choking on your candy flesh. And I'll be the biggest scar in your back. Run down, and jagged, and naked, and black. I'll be the biggest dick that you ever had. Hey, want it bad, hey want it bad, you want it. Good sister, bad sister. Tell me what you want, sister. Better watch your back, sister. Even you cannot resist her. But, I can't and I want to so bad and, I try but I can't and I want to so bad and, I try but I can't and I want to so bad and, I try but I can't and, I try, fuck try. Sugar star eyes fall down and talk to me. She comes to crucify all who now release. I am not in a ruby to grease, and sugar comes from her arteries. I'll be the biggest scar. Run down and jagged, and naked, and black. I'll be the biggest scar in your sky. Hey, want it bad, you want it bad, you want it bad. Sugar star, she is incredulous. All over, wipe her feet, rips off her dress. She wants you, in her descent. You're choking on her candy flesh. I'll be the biggest scar in your back. Run down and jagged, and naked, black. I'll be the biggest dick that you ever had. Hey, want it bad, you want it bad, you want it...... HOLE_GOOD SISTER,BAD SISTER
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    HOLE. dying

(no subject)

as long as we're being honest i think there's a few things ou should know about me. some things you taught me about myself when you didn't even know i was listening, and maybe some things i had to learn on my own. well i know you're not so big on talking so i thought maybe you could just listen. but then i realized, i'd never be able to stand in front of you and say all these things. so here's one more letter i'll never send, one more you'll never read. see, i guess i've always had this tendance to run away from things. people or situations that could hurt me.. i run. and as long as i've known you, you've had me. right there in your hands with every ability to crush me. but i never ran from you.. i'm sorry, i don't mean to sound cliche. but you know those silly little butterflies the lucky girls are always talking about, the ones they feel flying around in their stomachs when they're around somebody who's special or means alot to them? i used to be one of those girls. every time i heard you tell me you loved me, every time those words fell from your lips, those butterflies went crazy inside me. but today, when i looked you in the eyes and you smiled, and when we were walking next to each other down that empty hallway, you know the one. and our hands bumped into each other like they used to, no, today there were no butterflies. and maybe its because i didn't really know why you smiled at me or because the last time our hands 'bumped' into each other, we both knew it wasn't an accident so we never bothered to let go. maybe it was just that hallway and how all i saw walking down it was me and you and every memory we ever made there. and i guess knowing that we weren't doing anything worth remembering this time. but for whatever reason, there were just no butterflies. maybe they finally learned how to run away. maybe they were just as tired of being fragile and helpless when it comes to you as i am. so here's one more letter i'll never send to you, adressed to no one but postmarked from my heart. and i'll waste a few stamps trying to find the perfect one until i finally do, and i'll seal it shut and place it into that shoebox where i keep every other piece of you that i have kept. maybe some day i'll find the courage to mail it off to you, and give myself nothing but a few days to wait out. but i'm so afraid of walking out one morning wearing your t-shirt that i still sleep in, and opening that mailbox just to see that envelope with the perfect stamp marked with a big red "return to sender."

so i'm running away.

(no subject)

i miss you so incredibly much. everytime i see you in the hallways it just kills me. i still flash you a goofy look and say hey. you were my best friend for as long as i can remember. we talked about raising our kids together and what we'd do after college. we were so close but it wasn't even sickening. if someone saw me, they saw you. sometimes it hurt because all of the older guys wanted you more than they wanted me. i didn't let it get to me too much though because it didn't ruin our friendship. sometimes it created tension but usually it didn't. you understood that i was more important than any boy could ever be. then you got a boyfriend and things got serious [a little too serious&i told you how i felt]. when we'd hang out, he'd always be there, but i was okay with it usually. i took it cos i knew that's how it had to be. now i have a boyfriend and you won't even give him a chance. you're actually really mean to him. what happened to you? where did you go? you left me for some new friends. in fact, you left our whole little circle of friends. i mean i'm friends with your new people but not that close. you were mine always. you never call or want to hang out anymore, either. come back please.

(no subject)

where did you go? why are you doing this to me? i cant fukin take the shit no more!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am goin crazy again... and you will never even no.... god damn you it hurts... wtf man... i cant handle it anymore... i am in god dam misery.... do you know what you do? i tried evrything... everything... i cant stop crying.. why do i even care? hmm? i never ever gave a fuck before about anyone like that not for a long time and wen i did i realized how stupid it was... thats why i stopped it but... now... its happening again... and i feel pathetic.. pathetic... i love you