I'm going to play the friend game.
I'll be your friend.
I'm gunna talk about guys and pretend I dont care about you in that way..
but its not going to change, you're still the only one I dream of.
thats the cold hearted truth of it all.
i see you at school, sometimes. you know, just passing in the halls and stairwells, and sometimes i just think of the way it used to be with us.
maybe it was nothing to you, really. maybe i was just another girl you wanted to try to find a date with or something. i don't know.
i have had a really long time to think about what happened, and i guess it's too late, you knew it all along, but i was wrong. so so wrong.
i remember so much about what i did wrong, and josh, you were the first boy to ever care about me the way you did, and i will never ever forget you.
i remember being at brian and kristi's house, and donavan was flirting with me, and i didn't even think about what you thought..
i shouldn't have even bothered with him.
but you knew that all along, i'm sure.
i remember all of those times when we worked on worship together...do you remember when we got along so well?
like on the shoulder to shoulder mission...when i sang and you played, i just never wanted it to end because that was the only time i had with you.
i don't think you even have a reason to think about me, anymore, but i just needed to let you know all of these things that i never told you.
i remember being at church, and trying to talk to you, every time, and feeling like you didn't want to talk to me.
i can understand why you wouldn't.
but it still hurt a lot.
and earlier, when i told you...that i didn't like who you've become...i should have never even said that, because to be quite honest, i don't even know you, anymore.
i regret giving you back all of the letters you gave me.
in fact, if you still have them and want to, i would like to have them back.
but that's only if you want to.
i doubt you saved them, anyway.
i just wanted to say that you mean so much to me, and i do miss you a lot.
but i understand that most of what happened to pull us apart was my fault.
i made some mistakes, and i really want to say that i'm sorry.
you don't need to respond, i just had to get some things out.
i'm sorry for hurting you, josh, of all people, you deserved it the least.
if you ever want to talk to me, i'm always here.
i'll always love you, and i mean that.
whoever it may concern,
i have no idea what is going on with me, as of late. my emotions are haywire, there is a drop in my stomach and i feel like seeing if screaming will help any of this.
im up to my neck in things. i have to keep reminding myself that the technical details arent important. that the emotions and what my heart says is what matters. but its so hard to listen to my heart. sometimes i cant distinguish between what my heart is saying and what my head is saying.
besides, hasnt my heart often lead me astray?? i know i'm jaded and i have a...difficult outlook on things, but most of the time i dont let that stop me. why am i letting it now??
how does he feel?? does he like me?? does he not?? why cant i just ask?? why is it so difficult for me to tell him?? is he still hung up on her?? what is so special about her anyways?? nothing that i've ever noticed and ive known her for a long time. if i dont come clean with these emotions, will i loose any chance?? why is he so damn special?? why do i care what he thinks, what he feels?? what sepperates him from all these other faceless, mindless boys who arent worth my time??
what about college?? what lays in store for the future?? or the six million page report i have due next week?? how about the lights for the play?? ive practiced them a million times, but what if i mess up?? and not to forget that i have to learn my lines for the drama play too.
for fucks sake.
cant anything ever be simple with me??????
with every tatter my heart shatters more