November 14th, 2005

unsaid

(no subject)

Baby,

I missed you terribly all weekend. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing trip. And I was with my two best girl friends and two really amazing guys. Both of which I've had a thing for at one point. But then one of the bands would play a love song, and I'd think of only you. And right at that point, you called me! I left everything just to hear your voice. Yes, you still mean that much to me.

I'm sorry I bailed tonight. I still hoped that you would call, but I wasn't gonna wait around like I usually do. Because of that whole trust thing. I want so badly to trust you, but I can't right now. That's why I didn't wait for you. I can't wait forever. But you showed so much effort. You called right when you said you would all night. You wanted to see me so badly that you even suggested watching my girly TV show with me. And then afterward when I went to your place, you didn't fall asleep. And not only that... you talked to me. Sounds so simple, but just the conversation we had was amazing. Even though it was only little stories and stuff... that's exactly what I'm looking for. I know you've had a rough past and you don't like it, but there's still lots of good in it. And those little tiny stories about this one time or that one joke... it's so good to talk about those things. I thought that casual conversation was lost on you. And then when you suggested that we go somewhere, that was so great too. And then the way you held back when things were about to go too far. Thank you for respecting me. You have no idea how much tonight meant to me.

It was so amazing that I didn't even have to hear you say "I love you" because I knew you were thinking it.

And as long as you keep showing this effort and opening up to me [and as long as you keep of the drugs and let me know when you're struggling with it], one day you'll hear me say "I love you" back.

-me

(no subject)

Dev,
Darling, I forgot yesterday- my Dad's making me take religion classes, and I won't even be home until six-thirty your time. This really fucking sucks, because I miss you so goddamn much...but there were some things I wanted to tell you, and this seems like the only way to do it, currently.
First, if you finally did get your phone number or address, either, give them to Breezy, because she'll give them to me, and I'll call you tonight when I get home if you give it to her...
Second, about Breezy and Trevor: you promised you wouldn't bitch them out, either of them, and I'm holding you to that. I'm not much happier about the two of them together than I'm sure you are, but I've also come to the conclusion that they are miserable without each other and it's really pointless to try. No, I don't think he deserves her, but he makes her happy. No, I have not forgiven him for what he did to her, but it was her. It's up to her to decide, I guess. Much as we might like to sometimes, we can't run her life, even if we *do* think we know what's best.
Another thing- if you could, I'd really like you to find out your ring size for me. I know you don't usually ever wear any jewelry, and you really don't  have to, but I was thinking about it, and I'd like to get promise rings. It's not really a big deal and you could just say "No, don't, I don't want one," or "I wouldn't wear it," but..I don't know. Since we're both so paranoid and complex-ish, I thought it would be nice..
I'm sorry for being so preoccupied yesterday, but Breeze and I got into a really bad arguement..We're okay now, of course, but- I dunno, it bothers me a lot. The two of you are the best things to have ever happened to me and I'm afraid to lose you.
Breezy's been telling me I have to tell you how Tony's been harassing me, but I don't see what the big deal is...I mentioned it yesterday, to you.
"So, you did him, didn't you, you easy slut? How much is he paying you, whore? I'll match it. He's going to get sick of you eventually.." And other things along those lines.
However, she's told me what you said to her and I think I've got to set you straight on a few things.
-I might adore Breezy as my big sister and best friend, and I might even jokingly kiss her because you or someone thought it was hot, but I'd never date her. Rest assured.
-Tony is not competition for you. Neither are any of my guy friends. You will never have to compete with them,ever- you're in an entirely different class than them. Get it through your stubborn head, I absolutely adore you. I love you more than you can know. That's not going to change, not now and not ever.
You make it seem like I'm good enough, Dev. Like maybe I really am intelligent, and pretty, and sweet, and all the things I've never, ever attributed to myself. After that happened over the summer, I felt like I was never going to be clean again. You make me feel like I am. I love you not just because of the person you are, but because of the person you make me want to be, or seem like.
I'm sorry things are sucking there so badly, but you'd better believe I haven't stopped missing you. Not for an instant. Breezy sent me your hoodie, I got it around the last week of october, and I nearly lived in it for the first week. I still sleep in it. I love it, it's massive on me- it comes down almost to the tip of my middle fingers, and just a few inches short of my knees. And it smells like you. Your cologne, whatever it is, I love it. Then again, there's not really a thing about you that I don't. I might not like something (like you chopping your hair ALL off before) but that doesn't mean I don't still love it. You're not perfect, I know you're not (even if you're closer to it than me.), you're just human. But for some strange reason, it seems like you're perfect to me, and for me.
Heh...I've been whining at Breezy a lot about missing you...Sometimes she'll tell me a story about the two of you when you were younger. Whether it's to shut me up or to make me feel better, I'm not entirely sure, but I like it...She's told me about meeting you, about you eating a worm last year because of Matt, or something along those lines...My personal favorite was the two of you, five years old, eating dinner with the nanny..."Fuck you, Lady! No carrots!"
Heh..I've already been typing for a half hour and this is getting long, so I'll let you go.
I love you. I absolutely adore you. I don't care how many people in your lifetime will ever tell you that, none of them will love you like I do.
Anyway, I'm sure if you ask Breezy, she'll tell you some horrible things about me- I think she's actually got a whole long list of them, starting with something about your hoodie and ending with a "You could get l-"
I think I'll let her tell you, if she's feeling mean enough.

Hopefully I'll talk to you tonight.

xox-yours,
Liz(zy)/ Devi/ your own personal chew-toy/ whichever you prefer...
firefly<3

(no subject)

dear ryan wolfe,
i was just making sure you knew we're getting married.
well im sure you already know but you look sexy as hell in a beard.
and i really cant quit thinking about it.
which is horrible, i should be thinking about that you know when our relationship would be legal.
you know when i turn 18.
and you're 28?
heheh<3