November 12th, 2005

(no subject)

dear ex- bestfriend of mine

i just wanted to say i miss you. i miss being your friend and having someone i can relate to, who understood my quirkiness, my loves, my fears, my obsessions. just me. we both fucked things up, you fucked me over, hardcore. you made me qusetion myself, and who i was. i didn't like that at all so i backed away without thinking, maybe i just needed a little time away, not a whole year away.

there have been many friends who have come and gone in my life, and most have left a slight impact on me. you prob know i got a friend back this year, someone i hadnt spoke to for two years, but is my best friends, my other half. im not saying i want you as my best friend again, because wh en you were you hurt me too much, im not saying i want to go shopping with u and be all friendly

i just want you in my life again. i feel that their is an emptyness in me, since you left & it really hurts me.

as much as i say i don't want you back in my life, its lies, a defence mechanism, because im scared, scared to admit maybe i was wrong, i was harsh and th at i do need you more than i ever though i did.

inside me, the pain is tearing me up.
i love you. i miss you.

- jen

(no subject)

i hate flatbush.
i hate being there.
i hate how my parents think i'm slacking off.
they don't know how hard it is.
they don't know how difficult it is, not only to have 10 hours of school and work a day.
not only being surrounded by people practically fluent in the language when yo feel completely lost.
not only getting home late and still having more work to do.
but staying happy while doing it all.
i'm not happy with this.
i love my boyfriend.
i'm hardly gunna have time for him.
i love my music, my new band-ish thing with my new friends. not gunna have time for that either.
i love BBYO. it's my life, and you all know it. i'm writing and reading a d'var torah on the first friday in january. but i hardly think i'm gunna have time to make it every week like always.
and if i hardly have time for the things that i love because of school...
how do they expect me to have tutors also???? do they want me to me a flipping hermit and never come out to play because i'm completely absorbed in work??

i don't even have a say in any of this. my mom sed "well u've gotta succeed in flatbush." i said "and if i don't?" she said "well then we'll switch you into solomon schechter." i told her i wouldn't go. i told her i wudn't attent. i refuse. i will not go. so she tells me i better shape up in the school i'm in now... cuz i honestly don't have any other choice... i'm so trapped...

what are they doing to me...

i hate this...

someone save me... please... someone... idc hoo... anyone... just help me... idk how u'd be able to... idk how anyone could do anything... but i need a savior... i need a hero...
someone save me. please. i'm begging you...
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(no subject)

dear tall blonde boyfriend
i know when we met i said friends come first.
well i didnt think you were going to take that literally forever.
if you have plans with me, you have plans with ME. you dont break them jsut cause a couple guys knock on your door.
unconditionally, your favorite dreadhead