Yes. You're still my baby. I didn't break up with you. I couldn't. You said you love me. You said you didn't wanna lose me. You said you'd do whatever it takes. So you claim that you're gonna stop doing drugs and blowing me off. But you gotta show me. You gotta live up to your words.
It sucks, because I've become so detached from all this now. I don't feel like I can tell you. But I was so ready to be done with this whole emotion thing, that I think I kinda shut down. Because tonight I didn't feel anything for you. Anything. The holding hands, the sweet kisses... I didn't feel it. I wanted to. I really did. Maybe if you had looked at me with those eyes like you use to. Maybe if you had said you love me again. Or maybe if you hadn't fallen asleep during the movie. Why are you so tired all the time? It's the drugs, isn't it.
I know you didn't go home last night after you walked out on me. Your bed was still in the same condition. Those little stacks of pennies that you made when you were pretending to think about stuff [but since you didn't say anything it makes me think that nothing was going on in your head], they were all still there. You went out with your friends. You had fun. You acted like I have no effect on you whatsoever.
Meanwhile, I cried. I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up... I pretty much cried all day. I was jittery and nervous and anxious and couldn't sit still. Yes, you have so much of an effect on me. Why? Because I care about you. Because you matter to me. Because I want you to be a part of my life. Why don't you get it?!
I am dying, again.
I do this to myself, over and over again.
I never learn my lesson.
Here I am dying over you.
There you are not paying a single thought to me.
Why cant i be that girl? why the fuck cant i be her!?
I dont get it.
I dont understand.
I dont know why I want someone who has no interest of ever being with me.
I dont know why I want you over this guy whose 10 million times better looking and trying to pursue me.
I just want you to look at me. Figure out in your head. Jesus fucking christ.
I cant take it any more.
I wish you hurt every time my heart broke.
Fuck you for exsisting.
fuck you for not giving a shit.
fuck you for pretending that you did.
I dont want your friendship.
I want you to fucking realize me, for once.
I hate you. but I dont.
Im ready just to move to chicago and pretend you never exsisted.
My Dearest A,
I don't know where to begin. Should I take the angry approach? Because I am bitter, and right now, I resent you fully. Should be pragmatic? I'll be the logical me, rationalizing this...us. I can't be everything and nothing. I can't pretend like I don't care. And I won't pretend that we're not happy anymore. What happened to us? I cry rereading old journals, entries that exude my happiness; times when I loved being with you, when I though I loved you. I don't know what that feeling is like anymore. I've lost it. We've lost it. We let it go away with the summer. I won't deny that this summer was the greatest summer of my life by far. The constant love; we were each other's world. You we're my first love. I'm just sorry that I never told you. But I still can't act like you aren't being the biggest jerk. You know what happened between my family, and you know why I don't talk to my dad anymore. Yet, you chose to act exactly like him. That's what frustrates me the most. I feel like I don't know anything about you. I told you every last one of my secrets. Things about my family, my sisters, myself that even my best friends don't know- that even my sisters don't know. I exposed my entire life to you, and you became my life. I had you, and that was all that mattered. I forced myself to believe I loved you, because I didn't know any other way. I used to cry, remembering last summer and everything we've lost. But I know that it's not something I can try to recapture. Because if you don't want it then there's no point. As much as I want to be with you, if you're not going to make any effort, then why waste time? If you would be happier with little miss strawberry shortcake, then so be it. There's no use in us being together. Don't waste time being with me, where I'm miserable. It's not okay. And I refuse to fool myself again. I can't believe that I thought I loved you, even if I did. You don't take any time to be with me, we don't talk, and when we do it's empty. You pretend like I'm not upset with you, and you take me for granted. You get no culo, but all you try to do is stick your tongues down my throat. It's a beautiful relationship that we have, isn't it. I know I've never gotten mad at you, but I have to say it. I have to end it. We have to end it. I'm sorry. I just wish I could actually hate you, because then it wouldn't be so hard.
Just listen to that cheesy card: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
i know that i shouldnt be saying or thinking this, because well. it's only been 2 weeks. but i can honestly say that they have been the best two weeks that i have had in a looooooooooooooooong time. and looking back on what i've done, i dont regret one thing that i have done in the past 2.5 years. i happy that we're going out now, instead of in grade 9, and im happy that it wasnt my best friend that i crushed, just an aquaintance. and i love the fact that you say the stupidest things, just so that i smile, and that right when i say im going to bed - you do too. and even though everyone says your new hair makes you look 7, i love it, because i get to see more of you when you arn't hiding behind all that hair. it give a sence of innocence about you, that i want you to hold onto as long as you can, because i dont want your mother to hate me, or yell at you the way she has for all your past relationships.
i want the two of us to last for as long as we possibly can, for us to have a mature relation ship - not a highschool fling, and i haop taht you want all of these things too.
Tonight was perfect. Dinner, a movie...and our talk. It might not have been the best talk but it was a break through and you recognized that. I voiced my thoughts and feelings (go me!) and there might be some improving on that.
I love my picture that you drew for me on the computer.It's going up on my cork board as soon as a venture into my room.
I like your hair spikey too.
You know what, I just love you.
you make me laugh.
so much, one of these days
you'll wake up
the life you're living
is just a big fake.
ps. your friends hate you.
might wanna work on that pal.
please stop this. you never even realize when you're hurting me.
and i'm trying so hard not to care.
-annie.(remember? your girlfriend...)