November 1st, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Jay,

You will never read this letter, but that's okay. I'm afraid to send you letters because way back in April, I used to send them to you and I would be disappointed when you didn't write back. It's okay - I understand that's just how you are. This is our 10th month in our relationship, and I've learned to accept your faults and find them almost cute. You don't write letters or poetry like me because it's just not you. You're horrible when it comes to words. You almost always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. You don't call a whole lot. You don't put cute things about me in your profile or anything, like I do for you. You act like an ass when your friends are around you. And you can't even enter the same room as me without getting a boner. Those are some of your faults in a nutshell. But it's not you in a nutshell. It's true that you don't always say the right thing, but that makes the times when you do 100 times sweeter because it's not expected. You will just randomly call me sometimes and say something like, "Baby, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me" and it makes all the times you said something stupid just disappear. And when you do call me, you leave me voicemail. Sometimes you will sound really sleepy and say, "I'm so sorry I didn't call you last night. I fell asleep. I love you so much. Muah." Other times, you will sound really goofy and stumble over your words like, "Hey babe. I'm at work, so um...give me a call...when you get this? Okay? So yeah, whatever you're doing, give me a call. I get off at 10. Yeah. Love you, bye." Your voicemail messages always make me happy, no matter what they sound like. The sweeter ones bring tears to my eyes, and the goofy ones make me laugh. And when we finally talk, you'll tell me how much you miss me. And it also may be true that you're always horny, but in a way because it makes me feel attractive. Remember when you were really sick with the flu awhile ago and you were telling me how you couldn't even think about sex, but the minute you heard my voice you got hard? That was so sweet in a gross way. It makes me feel special that I'm the only one who can have that power over you. And I want you to know that you have more power over me then you will ever know. If I'm having the most horrible week of my life, if I see your gorgeous blue eyes looking into mine or those full lips of yours smiling at me, I am more happy then I have ever been, just in that one moment. I love you more then you could ever comprehend. I think I've made it clear before that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've felt that way since the first day you asked me to be your girlfriend. That very first day in January when you said you were falling for me. It had snowed that day, and it was so beautiful. We talked on the phone all day while I sat on my porch and looked at the snow. I knew then that I wanted to be your wife one day - and I know it now more than ever. I want to have your little curly-haired blue-eyed babies. I want to be next to you when you wake up, and running to the door every day to greet you when you come home from work. I know you don't like thinking that far into the future, but I do - and as far as I'm concerned, these 10 months could turn into 100 years and I would perfectly happy.

I love you, and I always will.

Your Girlfriend,
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(no subject)

Dear My Tall Blonde Boy,

I like you.
And I like how you spent last night watching a movie with me instead of at a party with your friends.

Thank you.
Because it was the best Halloween I have had in a while.

Your Short Girl.

*letter to you*

wow, i hate it when i have to write in this community, because it usually means I'm sad/ worried/ or best of all... scared.

I've been with you for neary 11 months now, and if I counted before we got together "officially", a year and couple of months. but really, since we met, we liked eachother- everyone always used to say, just go out! -both too scared (especially me) that it would end and would lose our amazing friendship. so i resisted a little, and battled with it, but eventually, i know we weren't just friends anymore, put it this way, if you'd have got a girlfriend, our relationship we had wouldn't have been able to carry on. and that's when you know how you feel about someone.

so anyway, usually, if little things have bugged me, I've been able to handle it by myself, without telling you. because the last thing i have ever wanted, is for us to end up like ben and nikki did. splitting up because basically he felt trapped because she didn't like him going places, or arguing or being moody. and at the time, i couldnt understand how they would argue, but now  i think i can. she just said what she felt to be honest. and look how its turned out, ben to flirt with everyone + nikki on her own really. so i spose you can say im pretty paranoid its going to hapen to me. (especialy cos i knew how much ben adored her the year before ) + well, you're ben's cousin arent you?

so i spose this is kinda always in the back of my mind. plus the fact that, well im not very confident, i pretty much cant understand how you can want to be with me, how you want to love me and stay with me. and i wont ask you, because you will think i am attention seeking. so i have kept these thoughts in my head. my i guess, i just want reassurance. I remember thinking this and writing this to you in a letter before we went out: "So many nights I've cried myself to sleep, now that you love me, I love myself. I never thought I would say that, I never thought there'd be you..."

but now, i don't really love myself, and i feel pretty crap + i feel so sad that i'm back to my old shitty-self that can't fucknin be happy. i dont even understand why. :(. it's just, now you want to go to all these places, these places that, damn it my age- stops me getting in to, and im scared, there's so many beautiful girls out there, people into exactly the same things as you that you could be with. so it goes back to the same thing again, why are you with me? why would you want to stay with me? :( sorry, but because i dont know it, i just worry more and more about the other stuff. and i  just dont like myself more and more.

i'd literally do everything for you, anything, I'm sadly always the one chasing after you, and lately, I'm getting tired, because i didnt used to have to do this. but i guess i've seen it with a few of my friends, once lads 'have' the girl, they don't think they need to work on keeping her... as for me, i'm constantly scared of losing you and how i need to keep you. i want you to be happy, but i am so fuckin scared of just going through so much pain watching you basically fall out of love with me.

so when nights like this go wrong, it sucks. i feel so lonely + i hate the idea that I have to go to sleep in a bit, all alone, and i'll probably jjust cry again to be honest. i really need to see you tomorrow, but i bet you will make some other plans, so a) it will drag out in my brain for longer and I'll be worse b) so you can be away from me- so then i will think, ek, i have still pissed you off and you're basically fed up of me now.   i just hate worrying. i could really do with a boy's opinion because i dont understand how you think to be honest.

i didn't think i was arguing with you tonight, but you seemed to think we were and you said: " We're arguing, I dont like it cos we're going to split up". to you,, it might have been a thing you just said, but you don't know how scared i feel now. :( and lonely :(  so then when i cry, ( yup, sorry had to in the end. i tried not to). you feel bad and wished you hadnt told me basicaly what pisses you off, but it wasnt that, it was the splitting up thing. ::( it really hurt me, and i couldnt even stop crying. but now, again lol,i'm so scared its just pissed you off more, or put you off telling me thngs.

even though, I'm not really sure what to do, the point that i use " I love you" to you too much? and it will lose its meaning. well yup, okay, i use it sometiems cos u dont fuckin speak to me online, + i just want you to knw how i feel about you as much as id like to hear it really :( but nah, different views on that, so il just shut up. i think at the moment, im just taking everything offensively, and as much as i want to run up to you and just sort out all these bastard things i manage to do, or how you mak e me feel. i just wana curl up in a corner and cry... and yup, other stuf :( . and its not really how you're supposed to feel in a relationship is it? but i love you. and we were so happy. how can there me so much fuckin wrong with me that i cant even do this right. really, not meaning it cheesy. but i always give up anything to be with you, i wish id feel the same. but i gues like on that film. they say theres always one person who loves the other more. well when we used to argue over who loves each other more, it's honestly me now. and its ironic, you were the one to say all the crap about wanting to be with me forever, and actualy loving me and being in love, but now, i'm fuckin hooked and scared of losing everything.i just feel like iv failed you + myself cos iv e let my pathetic things get in the way, and argh :( i dont even like thinkin of memories, or reading stuff from you, cos you dont ever do it. i kno you might htink- you dont want it to lose its meaning, but well thats how i am, i'm a loving person, and i just wanted to feel it back. i'm too upset now and i just feel sick really. this makes him sound like a bastard, but hes not. its mainly my shitty insecurities + i know other people have worse problems than me so i should get over it really.

sorry to anyone who read it. x

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