we said last night was weird and confusing. weird in a good way though. but the scary thing is i'm not scared. and it's not that confusing for me. i like you. i know you don't want a relationship, but i know i want you in someway. because i dont think i've had a more honest conversation with anyone in a long time. when it comes to liking someone i mean. and i don't feel uncomfortable with you, even though this is both really new to both of us, and there's just something about you...and when it comes to telling people..i want to know what you think first. telling them which parts is the question.
stroke my arm again because no ones ever made me feel like that before, hold my hand and trace my fingertips because no one else can do it aswell. tickle my feet and say that we're ok. kiss me again because i want more. i've fallen hard for you, i just hope you don't get scared.
dear my wife.
thank you so much for not saying anything last night. thank you beyond words for being ok with it and not making a big deal about it. thank you for being you. still love you the most of course. legal law and all.
Shit. I fucking hate you.
And yet, how can I say that when you consider me one of your best friends?
I don't hate anyone. and I certainly don't hate you.
But sometimes Amanda.. gosh, you seem like such a fake.
Why do you do the things you do? Is it really who you are? Shit.
You're so into pretending. Not on stage. So into the drama. I'll bet you actually like it. Just so you can tell everyone how unfortunate you are; how wronged you were, just to get the pity.
I hate pity. It makes me feel even worse.
What I'm totally mad about is how you came to me, like.. "I thought this would never happen.." gosh, I forsaw it a long time ago, darling. I knew you would come to it.
But there are people who actually do it, not for attention.
Why the fuck did I tell you I did it. You didn't need to know at all. I'm not proud of it. Everything sounded fake to me, even in my own ears.
What do I do now? I wish I could take it back. I'll lie and say I lied, maybe.
Even though I was totally telling the truth, maybe for the first time ever, to you.
-The one you call "Kar Bear"
You play my heart as a flute so well, covering each hole, if only for a minute. I'd succumb to thee, my darling, our moments would be infinite.
Except you aren't mine anymore.
Why do you keep telling me you love me and we're not together? Like.. I still love you. The things you said to me before still run through my mind. You broke up with me. How can you say that our relationship depends on me? If it were up to me, we'd still be together. Maybe.
I want so bad to believe that you aren't lying. And I don't think you are; I can just tell.. I think. I want to believe that if we didn't have the Pacific Ocean as a barrier, we'd still be together.
Would we still be together, darling?
I love you. Why aren't you calling me?
Love, Your Kariann.
It freaks me out how well we get on and how well you know me. We've known each other just a little under a month and already I feel completely at ease when I'm with you. It scares me cos I don't wanna rush into this and get hurt like the last time. I hate it that I'm holding back cos I dont want to let you in so you can hurt me. Its shit cos you are such a little lovely and you are so cute. I hate feeling this way because of a few dipshits from my past that still mess with me head.
Sorry sweetness, I'll try and get past this.
I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
I promise things will get better. It might seem crap right now but I swear it will be easier. We love you to pieces n will be there for ya no matter what. And we'll throw in a cute boy for ya too, just to make sure ya smile every once in a while.