October 18th, 2005

When you wish upon a star...

I once knew a boy that hurt me.

Physically and emotionally. He tore down my self-esteem in every possibly way and even though a year has passed and I haven't seen him since then, I'm still scarred for life, like an unsurfaced battle wound of something dirty that you don't want to go into detail about. He also left a big imprint on memories, which sadly enough, stay with me and nag at me more than they should.

I don't think about him openingly. I don't talk about him, mention him, see him, remember him. But I do, all of those, subconsciously. Which causes a lot of my dreams lately to be about him.

In the dreams, I see him at some random placed with all these people around us. I see him first, but right after my gaze goes over him, he initially just has to look my way and catches my glance. We stare at each other for a long time before he starts walking towards me. And I panic. My throat constricts and I feel like the room is beginning to spin as I start to walk away from him, but he's right behind me. He grabs onto my arm and I can feel it, I can feel his grip on my skin, and I'm screaming at him to let go, to leave me be, but he doesn't hear me and neither do any of the people around us. But I just keep on hearing him repeating one thing over and over again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He apologzies and apologizies and aologizes.

But I never stay asleep long enough to see if I forgive him or not.

So here's my letter to him.

Here's to the boy who left me brusies and broken and still haunts me in my dreams with something I know he'll never do.

Here's to you, you asshole.
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(no subject)

Dear ...,

I think I'm fat, even though I'm underweight for my age/height. And I think I eat a lot, when really I eat way less than most people. And I still want to eat less and lose more weight.

♥ me