October 16th, 2005


(no subject)

ughhh... there's something wrong... and he isn't telling me... and idk what it is... but i hate it when he leaves me hanging... possibley a whole 20 minute conversation in just silence........ yea, it started out find & he told me he missed me & loved me.... and then idk wat went wrong??? but he just wudn't say anything! and i was definitely not convinced that i wasn't annoying him or that he was angry at me... uuuggghhh i know this is gunna turn out bad.
i just know i'm being too ontop of him... with EVERYTHING. i know i piss him off. whether he tells me or not, i know i fucking annoy him... nd i feel really terrible about it, because i love him just too much... honestly--- i love him too much. and i'm so SO scared he'll let me go... i'm so scared of losing him... i'm so scared he'll leave me...
it's not that he doesn't love me.
i know he does.
but sometimes, love isn't enough... and when the person you love annoys the crap outta you everytime u talk to 'em, sometimes u just can't stand to be with them.

but i really do hope to G-d that he really was just tired... :-/

someone help? i don't think anyone really can... but i just really don't wanna lose him... and i know a lot of you can know how i feel... being so scared of losing someone you love, it literally makes you sick...
y duz he make my stomach turn?

he makes my lips curve up when i think about his smile.
he makes my heart beat so crazily i'm not sure if it's going faster or slower when i remember his touch.
he makes my cheeks flush red when he looks at me that way...
but it's almost like someone's clawing at my stomach when i think about nights that i almost lost him-- even before we were together... i almost lost him... and even though he insists he didn't mean it... in his words one crazy, hectic night "you're annoying more than half the time." yea, we both appologized for everything we sed that night... but even so... i can't help feeling i really am gunna lose him, just cuz i'm annoying. i really am. i always have been, i am now, and i always will be.
i'm just annoying.

and i really feel bad for anyone that encounters me because they'll probably see after not such a long time, just how annoying & aggravating & obsessive & blahhhhhhhhhhh i ammm...

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(no subject)

My Dearest A,

I'm stuck. How is it that only you can do this to me? When it comes to everyone else, ANYONE ELSE, I am always straight with them. I am mad. I am upset. I hate you right now. But not you. I couldn't. Couldn't ever. I rationalize myself with you; I make excuses. I always let you slide.

But only you.

All I wanted was a damn HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I didn't expect a present, a card, flowers, I that knowledge that even though we wouldn't be together yesterday, you were still thinking about it, thinking about me. Am I being selfish? Putting unattainable expectations onto you? I am incredibly frustrated. How is it even possible that people I don't even talk to can wish me a happy birthday, people I don't even see anymore, people who I couldn't care less about can? But you, the only person who it truly matters to me, MY BOYFRIEND, CAN'T? Do you want to know that saddest part? Midnight on friday, I stayed up for those first birthday wishes calls. And I stayed up hours laters, waiting for yours. But when I didn't get it, I somehow knew I wouldn't get one, even at all. The entire day, I kidded myself, pretended to have fun. Yes, I did, but I cried myself to sleep. As I lay there, in bed with my two best friends, I cried. I was alone in the darkness, the ocean and harbor smell permeating the room, the lighthouse flashing every couple mintues through the window. I cried as I lay next to the girls, on the phone with their boyfriends, a smile on my face when I heard my own phone ring. But no, it was after midnight the night after my birthday, and it was H. AND IT WAS THE SECOND TIME HE CALLED THAT DAY TO TELL ME.

And it's not about the fucking "happy birthday". It's that you royally skrewed up. I didn't get a call my entire birthday. And when I saw you today, I still didn't even get one. You messed up and you know it; You just don't know how to apoligize. You really don't. Today was the first time in this past year that I've shown you that I'm upset with you. I saw you staring at J, A, and me getting out of the car, I saw you stop where you were, waiting for me to run up to you with a Hello. I wish you could've seen my face as I walked away from you. I tried so hard to not even look at your face. You know I'm upset. But why do you use everyone else to try to get my attention? Come up and talk to ME, apoligize to ME, look into MY face and say it. DON'T pick up my little sister and play with her until she yells at me to help her fend you off. DON'T wait for me to come up to you. And DON'T pretend like I'm not mad. THAT was what made it even worse. Why would you JUMP ON MY BACK and try to wrap me up in you, why would you try to kiss me? It's so frustrating that you spent all that time, watching me, snakeing around me, waiting for the right time to approach me. I hate it that you even tried to semi-apoligize. I don't need that crap, especially from you. I know you were in the desert. I know you got home late. I know you were tired. But there's something called Friday night and a midnight hello. A HOUSE PHONE. And the fact that your sister could text me WHEN SHE WAS WITH YOU IN THE DESERT to tell me happy birthday and that she got me a present. Or that I wouldn't have care in the least if I was already sleeping when you called.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH US? Why do you continue to test me. Why do you pretend to be your best friend and tell me you like me, only to get mad later on that I didn't tell you about it. Why does H call me and tell me you're breaking up with me. Why doesn't it make sense.

Is it my fault? That I didn't say "I love you" back that night? Justify your actions. Is it because I am going away to college next year and you're staying here? I know you're scared; BABY, SO AM I. You don't think I care about you the way you do about me. YOU'RE PUSHING ME AWAY BEFORE THE INEVITABLE.


I hate this. What we've become.


Dear Community,



i didnt ask for you to touch me like you loved me

now everytime those songs play, i think my heart dies a little.
it had just started, and instead of go off with some drunk slut you chose to stay with me. three slow songs of the night and you danced two of them with me. i wonder what would have happened if sara hadnt asked you to dance to find out stuff for me. i promised myself that i wasnt going to dance like that, and i did. but only with you. and only because i wanted to spend every moment i could with you - and it seemed like you wanted to spend every moment with me too...
and when she came over after and told me all the things you said to her about me. i swear i fell even harder for you < 3
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(no subject)

dear sarah kris,

i hope your okay right now. i know you had to go call that friend. and that she is going through a rough time. hope that phone call with her went alright.hope your alright with everything. you ,your so ..caring and supportive. but i need to hear you say it.that its gona be okay. im just like ..i feel so depressed on the inside.im trying to fight it,but its hard. i wanna write more but my dad is telling me to go to bed.
thinking of ya