October 13th, 2005

just bored so im writing some letters...

dear papa john,
hey there! how are you doing? im a litte under the weather but im pretty good. so my mom told me you are having open heart surgy tomrow. i cant belive this is happing. i know where arent the closet to people in the world.but i love you very much. even though dad(mark) might not be my birth father, hes my dad. and your my grandfather. i rember growing up and seeing you. i also rember when i was 4 or whenever i frist meet you i thought"thats my grandpa!",i was exticed to get to know you. as i got older,we never talk much. but know your in my prayers,and others ,i have alot of friends that treat my faimly as there own. i hope your okay and can get through this. i dont know if you have cancer or what not or why your having open heart surgy.but i dont wanna lose u,your my grand father,the one who watched me grow up.the other day my mom and dad where talking,and i over herd them. they where saying how my mom rembers near christmas that you and grandmarose called and asked if u can send us a card each signed "grand ma rose and papa john".and how from there on in you started to be in my life more and more. then some time passed,mom and grand ma rose got in a fight.and i was mad at grandmarose. but im not anymore. and i dont think my mom is eather,not sure about that. i really enjoyed seeing you a few weekends ago,the littel berd looks nice on ya. good luck,i know you can get through this. your in my thoughts.
love you,
~im thinking of printing this and sending it.not sure yet.

dear sarah kris,
hey sup? your probly sitting in class right now,i have the day off b/ c its a teacher work day. im really bored so thought..lets write to ya but on the commutiy! just wanted to remind you how much you mean to me. you never give up on me,u dont just go say fuck this its to much bye. you help me through thosse nights where i just wanan give up and die. and i help you out. you give me something to live for.after i lost katie,i thought that was the end. but then i meet you,you brought a littel bit of light into my world.now im letting it in,things are going so well for me right now. there is alot going on ,that i cant contorl and it hit my last night,i just gota let go of thosse thing b/c i just need to let happen whats gona happen. cutting,thats a really scary world. its even scarier when yourfriend (you) say your gona call and tell my parents about it. you cant do that,you gota understand,thats something i have to do.and i know every day that gose by and i dont tell them,its gona get hader. mabey next summer. or when i can say im done with it ,and im not gona do it again.. once the scars fad some more..once i can learn to stand on my onw,learn to deal with my life on my own. please just understand,like you always do. understand its not time to let others see the real me. i am so breakbull right now. im starting to pick my self back up,i wanna bebale to stand up and not fall again. i dont wanna have to cut to be realxed. i wanna beabel to look at my self and think,i love who i am. righ tnow i look at my self,look at my scars. and say to my self...wow i am not who i wanna be,if i want to be who i want to be i need to change that,and im the only one who can change that. so im going to. right now,today. im gona look at the bright side of things. i have such a great life. i have so much,i am so thankfull for each and everyday i live. thanks though,for helping me realize this.thanks for bringing that light in.thanks for not turning your back on me. thanks for living. thanks for saving me,hopefully one day i will beable to give back to you wat you have given to me.
love ya always,