October 9th, 2005

(no subject)

my love?

i'm really, really happy for you. if he hurts you, i will kill him. i love you more than anyone. the end.

<33 Sosan.



i actually care about you so much that it hurts. i think you're beautiful in every way. it's true. you're such a sweet, caring person, but so, so much more. like, driving forever and dealing with stuff was so worth it to see you for about three minutes. to have you kiss me, to be in your arms, even for such a short time. i cried the other night 'cuz i was scared about how this is moving, but well, you know that.
it's crazy what you do to me. this hott guy randomly hit on me today.. that doesn't happen often. and i joked around, laughed a bit, you know... but i thought about it. i can't ever actually imagine not being with you. ever. i'll give up every hott guy in the world, because you're more beautiful.
your eyes were so cloudy today. you looked miserable at work and i didn't know what to do to cheer you up, so i walked away, letting you do your job and get better.
you were sad 'cuz i wasn't there.
but i'm not leaivng you. ever. if this whole thing ends, it won't be from me. i love you more than i can say, more than i've ever loved any guy before. ever. looking into your eyes is a beautiful pasttime. talking to you.. blows my mind. i love the way you think. i love the way your mind stretches around things, i love your jokes, i love your laugh.
i love that you care about me. i'm so insecure sometimes (moreso with you then with anyone else before. it's so wrong, it's so backwards. you treat my like the most precious, rare jewel ever, and i'm still insecure. i apologize... it's because.. i don't want something this wonderful to ever go away..) but when i'm not feeling well, you hold my sides and help me walk. i love how you sat on the blanket under the stars, and held me when i shivered.
i love the song you sang.
i love your touch, your kiss, your caress, i love sleeping next to you and waking up in your arms. i love being with you at anytime, ever.
i love you.
it's really that simple. i make it complicated, but antonio, i fucking love you. my heart hurts from not saying it.
.. but if i was in your arms right now, everything would be perfect.
"well, i didn't mean for this to go
as far as it did.
and i didn't mean to get so close,
and share what we did.
i didn't mean to fall in love,
but i did..
and you didn't mean to love me back,
but you know you did."
i love you so much. this won't die. i love you with everything in me. forever.


(no subject)

My dearest A,

Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
Spin me round again and rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years, they were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivty of this still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
Oh, you wont catch me around here
Blood and tears
They were here first

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need?
And you decided this.
Mmm, what you say?
What did he say?

I know I'm overreacting, overanalyzing, overthinking. Overdoing, overidealizing, oversimplifying, overcomplicating, overreasoning. But over you? Never. But I can't help that thought creeping around in my mind, playing hide and seek with all those happy moments I've spent with you. It tells me what I don't want or need to hear, whispers things in my ear that I pretend to no hear; ducks around in my head, only to face my rationale: No, I couldn't be feeling this way. Why now? Why today? Somehow, I can't shake the feeling that I've been feeling like this for a while. But I know it's because before I was constantly showered with your presence, your personality and laugh permeating the room, soaking into my brain, saved for later enjoyment. I can't even tell you how many nights I've relived in my head, just to recapture that warmth that I felt with you, even for just a second. I was too scared to let it go; I don't want that feeling to disappear. Along the way, the memories fade, muddle together. I can no longer differentiate every hug, every kiss, every glance. I can no longer remember every moment exactly as it had been. How you looked in the moonlight at Tamarack, how it felt to be wrapped up in the blanket with you, your arms around me as we danced under the streetlight. How we just seemed to fit. All I remember is this sinking feeling, this pit in my stomach, this hole in my heart- the realization that maybe we aren't as I thought. Perhaps it is my own fault. I know I pushed you away hard that night; I was terrified. You whispered a secret in my ear, and I honestly couldn't handle it. I became the immature me, unable to be straightforward, unable admit to you how I really feel. Believe me, it hurt me more than it did you to say what I did. I couldn't make myself be honest. I know I became detached. I was scared. Because I push those who mean to most to me away from the intense fear of hurting them. But in the process, I already am hurting them, hurting you. Those who are the closest to me get the least love. I am down right terrified of committment, scared to be completely honest, incapable of tuly letting you in. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm afraid that I already have. And I'm afraid that I've already lost you. I know it's because of that I'm feeling so horribly. I can't let this be my biggest regret. I'm sorry I couldn't say it to you before, but I love you, too.
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