September 21st, 2005

FOTC - Shakers!

(no subject)

Dear Austin,

I'd say you were avoiding me.
Please tell me that's not the case.
Why would you?

Maybe you're still in Sho Lo. Maybe you get on the computer over there but are unable to message to me. It would explain you being on myspace and not on yahoo.
Maybe that's not the case...

Maybe your girlfriend some how found out we talk and told you not to talk to me anymore, even though we're just friends. Even though you told me you like me and I told you I like you. You'd go out with a girl that is bitchy like that? Just to let you know, I wouldn't be like that.
Maybe that's not the case either...

Or maybe when you told me you like me and I told you I like you, you would avoid me for that? But you talked to me the day after that.. so that can't be it either...

Maybe you don't know how to take off "invisible" and expect me to talk to you first.

Or maybe I'm not much to talk to.

You're really confusing, Austin. So much that I don't know what to do. I see that you're committed and happy with your relationship, yet you flirt with me. And if "When I can drive, I'll come over and we can have fun," is not flirting then I must not know what flirting is.

And that moment when you said "I was going to ask you out, but I was too shy," my heart beated out of control, my ears turned red, my fingers fumbled, and my face was a shade of cherry.
But when I read it again a day later I actually read the was and the could have, and the I'm sorry part, I got sad. You see, when I read it the first time I was stuck on the ask you out, make out, and the I had dreams of you too part so I wasn't really thinking clearly.

I wish you wouldn't have said was or could have or I'm sorry. You should have said: Wanna go out?, we should, and let's get together. I'm sorry you said the wrong things or better yet, didn't say the things I wanted you to say.

You're right to say sorry though. You were going to ask me out. You should have because I was (am) crushing bad on you. Which made me mad for a while because, well, I am crushing.
You should have for a lot more things. You're timing to tell me this was way off also. You should be sorry for that to. But it's so hard to be mad at you.

And I know I should be mad at you right now, but I'm not for some reason. I only get sad. Not so much depressed though. Just sad about what could have happened between us if you weren't shy. I think of that all the time.

If I could dedicate a song to you it would be Moving Units - "X and Y" just to be funny. Another song to you would be Go Sailors - "I just Do" for real.

So take a moment to analyze all that. Think of something to do about it. Think of me.

  • Current Music
    The Postal Service - Be Still My Heart

(no subject)

Dear you,
I know I swore that it would be your last letter...twice...I miss you so much that it hurts. I don't know how I got myself into this mess, and I don't know how to get myself out.

I love you.

I hope you go on to live an amazing life. I'm sure you've already completely forgotten me. You'll make a great dad, you're a great guy in general. I'm sure you'll date some amazing girl that deserves you, and she'll know that. I don't wish you any ill at all- on the contrary, I wish you as much happiness as you can possibly handle. I just never want to meet her. She'll be your world just like you were mine...

I still love you.

It's disgusting how much you're on my mind. Completely stupid, random things, and I know, people change. Sometimes, I almost imagine you like those science film strips, when that one cell divides into two? I think that must be how it is. I see the you that I love, and the person you'll become if you haven't already. Everyone grows up, right? It just fucking hurts to think about.

Breezy and I found out about what you did for her, trying to save her from Trevor hurting her the way that he did. I just want to apologise to you. I should have known you weren't the asshole you seemed to  be.

I can't stop thinking about what you said, how I was no longer your concern...

I don't think you know how much that hurt me. How much it still does.
Not your concern.

I really want to get fucked up. Will it make a difference to you how fucked up I get, seeing as it's "not your concern"?

Matt said you cried when we talked the last time. Just a few tears. Trevor said you did, too. I didn't believe Matt until Trevor said so too. Why? What could I possibly have said to you that would have struck home?

I'm sorry. And I love you. And I wish you could know both of those things...
Lizzy/Devi/Chewtoy/ whichever you prefer...

(no subject)

did you want to let me go like that

i heard you say you love me
i heard you say youll miss me like hell and you cant wait to get back to see me

but did you want to only kiss me once, and hug me for a total of 20 seconds, let me go, and walk off all happy with kane chris and john?
i dont know
i just miss you like hell already

you just let me stand there crying

on the fone you just let me cry

yesterday you just let me cry

i hung up on you cuz i was crying too hard thisafternoon

you said i love you, ill miss you, ill read your letters, bye

did you really want to let e go like that?
  • Current Music
    night drive~All american rejects

(no subject)

So this is how this went:

Really though THANK YOU for everyone who gave me advice. I needed it. You all are amazing people. <3

Me: I got really upset over that comment you made to that girl the one that went "okay, just don't tell my girlfriend." Yeah, I know I am probably over reacting about this, but you know I take things to heart easily. It's not really the fact I was jealous or anything, it was that scared me. It makes me worry and I don't want to have to worry about it. You know? I love you and I want to make sure you love me. I know you say it and there is really no other way to reasure, but I guess I need it. I am just hoping it was a joke, because if not that would really suck. Okay so maybe I was a tad it jealous, because I mean of course I want to be the only girl you ever think about.

Him: Im sorry about that hun, it was just a joke, and I shouldnt have even done it. You are the only girl I think about, I love you with all my heart and I dont want anybody else but you, You dont have to worry at all. I was just bored and I was commenting on peoples sites and stuff, it was just a joke, I dont even know that girl and I think she lives in a different state anyway. I just want you to know that I love you and nobody else ok? I am really sorry about that.

So yes I am still a little "blah" over the whole thing, but he came over today and we talked about it. He basicly said he realized it was really dumb, he was sorry, and that I have nothing to worry about. Yet everyone I talk to says I should be SUPER pissed off at him. It's hard to stay mad at him, because I just love him so much. I hope at least some of you understand that.

...It still worries me though...

Good Night

Dear Someone Beautiful In My Future,

I know that you haven't met me yet, but I'm really looking forward to sleeping by your side. I find that late at night I have the most difficulty being alone because I do not want to sleep in this oversized bed without you. You belong next to me, holding me close, keeping me warm, flooding my every dream with your sweet smile. I do not wish for cold nights, nightmares, and waking up to an unattended pillow beside my head. I wish to smell your skin, to taste your kiss, to wake up to your gorgeous smile. I have been patiently waiting for you to come and find me. I anticipate the day I can call you my own. Please, my love, find me soon. Why sleep alone in this empty house, when I could share it with you.

Sleeping To See You In My Dreams

  • Current Music
    The Humming Of The Dryer