I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope

dear m
where the hell do you get off spending the entire summer talking about how you hate this girl, and then spend the entire night sucking up to her! your a fucking hypocrite, and dont ever talk to me again!!!!!!!

uuhhh...duhhhh....YOU SOOOO STUPID!
not only was i going to let you fuck me, if you were charming enough. BUT i also had like 6 of my hot single girl friends here for your fellow army studmuffin friends to play with. you guys are visiting this small little town for a month. not allowed to go to the bars. chances of meeting women are SLIM TO NONE! and the completely off-the-wall coincidence that we would run into each other in this small town...that at least deserved some perusal. i thought you felt the same, until you pussied out. i bet you didnt even tell your friends that there was an almost empty bed and breakfast hotel, with a hottub and 7 sexy ladies, partying it up and waiting.....FOR SOME NON-LOCAL ASS... YOU FUCKING TWAT!
well, i'm sure that your hand, and that nice little hotel bed thats about 2 feet away from another guy's bed, and your dying-to-be-satiated-havent-fucked-pussy-in-6-months sex drive met all your needs that night, right?
have fun with yourself there studly. now i know how you went 6 months without getting any. i would've loved to give you some attention, if you hadn't pussed out and stood me up. now, i am just turned off by your lack of communication and your extreme lack of balls. i hope you have to wait another 6, you douche.
i would've worshipped your penis for HOURS.

hoping your buddies do something really embarassing to you in your sleep,
GB

dear specific guy,
YOu are the one who started talking to me first and I got hooked on the idea of having you as possibly more then a friend. I get crushed easily and I wish you had known this because maybe you would have stayed away or no led me on so fast. But then I get to hear about how you are waiting for this girl to get back and maybe getting her roses and so on. And then you comment that if you had just wanted a physical relationship you probably would have asked me on a date alredy. damn you. couldn't you have kept this to yourself and not to me that fact.
the girl in your calc class.

dear guys in general,
why do I always fall for the ones who like someone else. What's wrong with me and what's wrong with you.
always,
just a girl.

Hey, you.
Know what? I love you. And I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not scared to say it, and I'm not scared to admit it. I'm head over feet in love with you, and I don't want to stop now. You're pulling away, and pulling away, and I can't take it anymore. You say nothing's wrong, but clearly there is. I understand that you have a life. I understand that you go to school. I understand that you work. I understand that you have friends. I understand that you don't want to spend every waking moment with me, because honestly, how boring would that be? I just want to know that we're going somewhere. That you're not going to freak out on me and say I don't really love you. How dare you throw that accusation at me. Are you inside of me? Do you know how I feel? Obviously you don't or you wouldn't pull these stunts. I can't be anyone else besides the person I already am. I can't change to suit you. I don't know what you want. When I ask, you tell me you want to take things slow. I want need a relationship. I need to be able to call you mine. I can't stand being just friends with you. I have enough friends. You're the only one I'm in love with. You're the only one I want to call mine. I hate when you tell me to call you at a certain time, yet you don't answer. I know you don't sit around, twiddling your thumbs, waiting for me to call. But could you pretend? Could you pretend like you love to hear my voice? Could you pretend that you've been waiting all day to hear me say 'I love you'? Because guess what. I do. I wait all day to hear your voice. To hear you say you love me. To hear you say I'm beautiful, and that we're meant to be together. I want that so bad I can taste it. Except it's turning bitter in my mouth. I refuse to compete for your attention. I refuse to beg you for anything. I refuse to let you know how you get inside of me and jumble everything up. As much as I try, I can't let go of you, or us. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't play this game with you. I can't win. I've never been able to win, and I'll probably never be able to. I'm sorry, but I love you. It's there. It's floating in the air between us, and I know you can see it. Please don't let it hit the ground and shatter. I need it. Almost as much as I need to believe we're okay.

To my father,

You're an asswipe. You're shitty at me for no fucking reason, and you're using the petrol-is-too-expensive excuse so that I have to choose between horse riding and staying over at one of my best friends' house. Whatever. I know you're just doing this because you're mad at me ad you have no reason why NOT to let me go.

And yes, I slammed the fucking door. Come out and charge at me, why don't you? You have no proof that I did it deliberately - I DID shut it with one hand thanks to my injured one, and I was walking back to open the door and shut it properly again. Don't tell me that you know I did it deliberately cos "I know you too well". You know JACK SHIT about me.

You don't know how much I struggle at school.
You don't know how I pretend to be over him.... but look longingly when his back is turned to me.
You don't know what my favourite colour is.
You don't know the next thing about being a teenager.
You don't know how much it hurt me, you celebrating our breakup.
Youdon't know how much I really loved him. or how much I miss him now.
You don't know anything. Anything.

So, fuck you.

At the snow, I thought you got better, I thought you'd changed. But when you yelled at mum in the car, just because of a little comment about your driving, you took all that away. And more. And today?

We all know Josh is your fucking favourite.

I wish I could just move out. And maybe fuck people for money, seeing I have my communication skills are zilch and I have to go to school.

 

Dear mum,

I wish you'd be on my side for just once.
I wish you could see how much I hate this home.
I wish you never married him.
I wish I were the younger one.
I wish you would just let me grow up normally, instead of smothering me.

I just want to be me. Just let me be me before I go insane.

 

Dear world,

Just fucking kill me now. I know God says we all have a purpose in this world, but I'm quite sure I don't. I just know I'm not gonna get into uni, I'm a closet slut, the current man in my life is a horse who doesn't even like me,  I suck at school and trying to live up to my parents' expectations, football season is over and I have no money.

 

Just fucking kill me.

 

My so called father, what has happened to you? We use to be so close, now I can't even stand to be around you. All you do is yell at me for stupid things. The thing I don't understand is you still treat Elyse better than you treat me, even though she almost tore about our family. I guess that doesn't effect you? Do you not care about our family? I really don't think you do, considering you always talk about how you don't care if Laurie leaves. I care if she leaves, she is more of a parent to me than you ever were. She might be strict sometimes, but at least she cares about what I do. You don't listen to me, you don't know anything about me, and you probably could care less. A good example is when I told you Shannon called. You didn't even pay attention, Laurie had to tell you, and you didn't even care then. It meant a lot to me that she called, considering I haven't seem her since June and she moved away. Not that you would know that, since you don't know ANYTHING about my life. It is depressing. Sometimes I just want to scream at you, but I don't think you are worth my time. You are not worth the stress. I don't know dad, I just don't know...What's my favortite color? Do you know who my favorite band is? No of course not. I think you pay more attention to Elyse's life then you do mine. How sad is that? Do you miss Debra? Would you rather be with her than Laurie? I don't like you...ugh. Not your favorite daugther.

Dear you
Please stop being in my mind. Stop making it hurt. Stop coming into my life when I just get you out of it n mess me up yet again. Stop making me feel like shit for doing nothing cos me being there upsets you. Were friends with some of the same people, we hang out at the same places. I cant put my life on hold because it doesnt suit you. Stop making me apologise for upsetting you cos you know how I feel/felt about you. You know how messed up I was when we broke up but you still dont quite understand it. I hate you for lying and saying you wanted to be friends. If you wanted to be friends you would have made some effort, you wouldnt stare at me blankly when I try talking to you, you wouldnt make up bullshit to make me look like the bad person. I want to hate you soo much but theres always gonna be something about you that keeps me hanging on like a complete ass. I apologised for what I done. It was stupid and I was drunk. We all do silly things, but now you "hate" me for it and hate me for getting annoyed when your standing infront of me with some girl all over her, sorry but that hurt, but yeah I ended up having to apologise for gettin upset. Sometimes its the little things that hurt the most, really what the hell happened. Literally one day everything is fine and we were close as ever then the next im not allowed to have any feelings about you. Arsehole.

Dear friend
Please stop going on about your 'perfect' boyfried. You dont know the truth about him and if you did then you would soon understand why I didnt n still dont like him. He is a fucking twat. But again im in the wrong for not liking him cos I am trying to protect you. Sorry im not gonna make effort with someone I cant trust not you shatter you. Believe it or not im a good friend and im looking out for you. I hate it how when we talk its all about him. Everytime we hang out its about him, not one conversation in the past year hasnt included him. When I needed you that one night to actually listen to me, you sat texting him and again it was all about him. It is seriously doing my head in and I cant take it anymore. Its not just me who knows it everyone does, wake up n notice what your doing.

Sorry this was a bit long.
xx

Dear You,

I can't believe you're gone.

Love love love like anything,

Rosie.

Parents,

Please, Please stop pointing out how pathetic and pointless and stupid and worthless I am.
I know I am, okay? I dont need you telling me too.
Stop making me cry, just stop it.
And I'm not a whore. So just shut the fuck up.
Olivia.

Dear A,
I'm not supposed to like you. But I do. A lot. But I'm not supposed to...
8 hours. That's how far away you are. 8 hours and 7 minutes that is, going at the speed limit and not hitting traffic, according to the map site. You're so far away. And you have a girlfriend. And anyy relationship between you and me would inevitably fall apart, because I think we're better as friends than going out...
But telling myself that doesn't prevent me from liking you. Telling myself that doesn't make my heart not skip a beat when we goof around being each other's "love". Telling myself that doesn't make this situation any easier. Telling myself this doesn't make me stop deluding myself into thinking there's chemistry between us. Or maybe there really is, but I refuse to get my hopes up, and it would seem so wrong.

It's just...gah. You're so far away. And attatched. Yet you seem like you LIKE me at times. Like, seriously LIKE me. But then you do something, become a completely asshole for a few weeks, and I tell myself I've just convinced myself that you did, that I'm reading into something that's not there...

What I need is to just stop thinking about you. Stop obsessing over you. You're not worth the trouble I'm putting myself through...

Now if I can only make myself beleive that...

~*M*~