September 16th, 2005

clear

i just wanted to say dear friends..

Dear Friends and Family,
you can take this as the rough draft to my final copy of my suicide letter. Or however you want to take it. I just want to say that I should take your advise.. and not take my Zoloft. I mean you all say you've heard bad things about it. But why can't you ever tell me WHAT u've heard. I just wanted to say.. i must have forgotten that you all are medical experts and that you know i can do this on MY own. i am so strong and a rolemodel. i must have forgetten that you WERE there for me when i cut myself in my room and cried myself to sleep every night. i must have forgotten that you guys always were so nice to me and encouraged me. i must have forgotten u all went to all my visits and therapy with me. NOT! all the above is FALSE. i havent forgotten a thing. i havent forgotten the fact that you said you couldn't help me. and i haven't forgotten mom and dad that everyday you say i have no friends and no one really likes me. i havent forgotten that you all told me to NOT take the one thing that makes me HAPPY and UNsuicidal. and i havent forgotten that there is no reason for me to live. I think I sum it all up when i say..

Thanks.

Love Always,
a face and a name not worth remembering
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jessica

(no subject)

Dear self,

Why are you so screwed up? Why are you so unsure of everything? One minute you don't give a shit what people think and the next, that's all that matters.

Honestly, all you can think about these past few days is if I go out with him, people will think lower of me, because he's younger. But I like him. Which is more important: that I like him or what people think of us? That's all that goes through your head lately.

But when it comes to other things, it's like you can't even hear what they're saying. All your friends are telling you that you're skinny enough. Your own mother tells you that you're a bit underweight. And yet, you don't listen. You just keep starving yourself, because you don't think any of it is good enough.

Oh shit. What do I do about this boy?

(no subject)

Boy,
I hated our conversation last night. I don't see why you didn't just ask what was wrong. Then when I yelled at you for it you played it off as "Oh well you never tell me anyway". FUCK YOU. If I didn't want to tell you anything I wouldn't have called you and left you a message. You know...the one you never looked at. I came online and there you were! Pssht.
I've been upset ever since you know...
Make tonight perfect, because we're not at the moment.
ILOVEYOU.
<3me.
BOYS IN MY CLASS!
Stop picking on me, it sucks being the only girl.
I know you're just joking but it's getting old.
Just shut up and do your work?
<3me

(no subject)

Girl,
Please stop being so fucking annoying.
Other girl.

C,

Please stop this, its not going to happen, and your just making me doubt everything and i dont want to doubt him.
So please stop trying.
me.
me//default

(no subject)

why does my heart cry? feelings i cant hide....

fuck i still miss you boy. yet everyday you walk past me, like i dont exist, like we never happened, like you never kissed me, like you never used to love me. like i wasn't your first love.

i'd do anything to go back. anything. i know what i'd do then.

i wish you were with me now.

 

To the Sydney Swans,

collapse and die please. it should be my Cats playing and winning tonight. You guys suck and don't deserve to be in the finals thankyouverymuch.

grrrr!

 

Dear Catters,

i love you! next year's our year. we'll kick everyone's ass and look sexy doing it!

the Geelong Cats are total kinky sex dance.