September 6th, 2005


(no subject)

dear tall blonde fella,
its been such a long time that i dont even know what to do or think anymore.
i care about you alot. that i cant deny.
but lately, very much lately, ive been wondering something to myself.
do i care about you cause of what we have? or becasue of what we had?
and this has nothing to do with dayna or anyone elses opinions. because i havent talked about this to anyone. not even in my journal. its just been something that was in the back of my head.
the other night, when i slept at your house, it was so nice to lay down in your bed and have u scoop me up and cover me with kisses and let all that passion out. it was so intense and i loved...everything about that night.the way you tocuhed me that way your breath felt your mouth your body next to mine. i even loved waking up next to you in the morning and seeing ur smile and having u kiss me. and the early morning sex was fantastic.
but then i saw you later on that afternoon, while i was with my friends and you were with your friends was so insanely awkward. why? is it cause i dont know your friends and you dont know mine and needless to say none of them knew each other...except the stories i have about you and you have about me. i dont know. all i know is it was awkward and you know it was too, cause you said as much.
i dont know where im going with this.
i guess all im really trying to get out is that i dont know why im with you anymore.
i really dont.
besides the fact that u make me smile when i see your screen name sign online or your number is on the caller id or when i see you riding you bike around the corner to meet me or whenever i poke my head up in your window or when you show my ur pot plants nad that cute little smile breaks out on your face or when im laying with u watching tv or when your kissing me....basically anytime that im reminded of you.

um... i think i just confused myself.

unconditionally, your confused dreadhead.
  • Current Mood
    confused sadly confused.

(no subject)

For years, years and years and years, I let you take out your anger on me.

It's my turn now.

Don't you know how angry you make me? How annoying you are. How blind and needy you are. How you're such a whore.

You're a whore. You really are. And now, this is the part I take out on you. What the fuck is your problem? I might be moving to a total hick state and you don't even give the fucking time of day for me? After all the times I sat there on my ass listening to shit I really didn't give a rat's ass about. You can't even pretend to listen like I did?

You know what? You can go fuck your boyfriend who doesn't love you. He cheated on you. Know that, and stop trying to pretend that YOU'RE the victim. You know why? 'Cause really, you aren't. You were begging for this. How you would feel so threatened. How you would just take it to me.

I don't care what you say or do.

And now, you don't wanna accept the fact he's STILL with that girl. She's still with him, he's still with her. They've been together longer then you and him have. Yet you don't want to accept that fact. No matter what the truth is, you have to know it. Otherwise you're living in a different world.

You will never make it as a model. You will never make it to California. ____ and I are not moving with you. We both dislike you and your boyfriend who doesn't love you.

That's the difference between us. People love me.

So fuck you and goodnight.
  • Current Music
    Move Along - The All-American Rejects

(no subject)

This is just in general.

This year should be grand. My last one and I get out early. On to better things...and hopefully picking up better people on the way.
I want to take you with me. You don't even know but I've been thinking about going to your college when I get out. Not because you're there but because from what I've heard the environment sounds good for me.

This is my last night before I have to suck it up and try to get to bed early.

Schools already having an effect on us. I couldn't see you tonight because you had school work. I'm really not ready to get used to this again. I like having you all to myself all the time. Selfish, but true.

I wont be seeing much of people this year in school. I'm going to have to rely on my horrible people skills and try to ask people to hang out when I feel I'm losing all human contact.

Atleast I have Kyle. My little brother figure.

Oh pooh.

I can't wait for college.

(no subject)

Dear Casey Lobstein,

I suppose I was infatuated, hoping in unspoken promises, just thinking that maybe I could be someone to you, and I was wrong in that. I should have known better than to expect anything from you.

And I shouldn't have wasted my reject's tears on you, because I set myself up to fall, and I knew all along that you didn't feel the same.

But somewhere inside, I thought that maybe you liked me. I had hoped, I had dreamed, I had imagined things that will never happen.

And even as I think about it now, I never really wanted you, or to have you want me, or to kiss you or touch you, I just wanted, and still want to know what it is like to have somebody love you.

I just wanted that. And you seemed like maybe, just maybe you would see me.

I expected too much, I did.

When I sit down and think about where we will all be in 5, even 10 years, I can easily see you still here, a beer in your hand, and some girl waiting on you.

I don't want to be that girl.

I want to be the woman that you all see in the news and think, I should have gotten to know her better, and wow, I never knew that she would make something of herself.

I hope I'm that, one day.

I hope I come back for a High School Reunion, and see you...for what you are. And I hope you want me, and I hope I get to turn you away as flippantly as you have me.

But dont we all wish that sort of thing?

heartbrokenly yours,
little mermaid

(no subject)


i just sent the email asking you if i can go see a therapist.

please please please, i am praying that you dont flip out.


dear self


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    Death Cab For Cutie - Marching Bands Of Manhatten