September 2nd, 2005


(no subject)

dear bronco or whatever your freaking name is,
where the fuck to you get off making me get rid of my fucking dog. haven't i had it bad enough this summer? fuck you. i will never like your fucking house. so fuck you and fucking die.
your fucking tenant.

dear you,
what the hell? why are you doing this to her? she doesn't deserve it. i am beyond pissed at you.
your friend.

dear life,
get well soon. it's not fun when you're like this.

dear dad,
please tell me what's going on. i read the email you wrote to mom. how you wish you could explain everything to us. you can. do it tomorrow. i need something; anything.
your daughter.
TV- Spartacus- Warrior

To My Best Friend....

Dear Julie,

Today was strange. It was exactly a year ago that you were killed in that horrible accident that seemed to have turned my world completely upside down. Don't get me wrong Julie, I don't blame you. I blame no one. Not even God. Not even the fucker that just happened to have a siezure because he couldn't take care of himself or admit to the fact he had a problem, on the road. No not him.

I remember what happened after you died. I cried a lot. I became angry. And when I was able to (which was a lot) I drank and became very quiet around others. I went to school functions drunk and decided that I was going to try to kill the guy who killed you. But each time, as if an invisible force, held me back. It was as if you took my fists and just held them until the anger passed.

I remember having to go see a psychiatrist because I couldn't handle my out-of-control emotions. I couldn't handle school because each day was a reminder you were gone. I remember feeling stupid having to walk into Dr. Harvey's office and feel like I was crazy. But I'm not! But for some reason...I was convinced I was.

I remember Christmas most because that was when it dawned on me that it wasn't your death that hurt me most- it was the fact that the person who did it was able to laugh when neither of were able to. He was able to walk with his friends and smile unlike us. I was angry and jealous and full of hatred because instead of himself, you died.

I remember the day we left for Winter Holiday, I told him he was forgiven.

It was that day that all my sorrows seeminly fluttered away in the cold winter air. I remember feeling glad. I remember feeling free of my anguish.

I remembered you and only you. Not your death or your killer- just you.

Now, a year has passed and all I feel is sad that you are gone. I feel nothing more that saddness.

Thanks for giving me strength Julie. Even when you left, you hadn't entirely gone.

  • Current Mood
    sad sad


Dear confusing,

There's something intriguing in the way you smile and bite your tongue over your bottom lip. The mixed signals you give off are exciting. And I like your hands.

A writer who doesn't believe in love.
  • Current Music
    A Change of Pace: "Chippie"


Dear Schenectady High School,

I plan to unload on all of you soon.

Dear davegunn,

I also plan on getting in your face as well.

Shotgun that will be invested on in the near future.
  • Current Music
    Life Of Agony: "Love To Let You Down"


Dear chameleon t-shirt,

I don't miss you. In fact, I want to smash your ugly cute face open. I just miss your lips' ability to make me dizzy.

Sloppy seconds.
  • Current Music
    Name Taken: "Cover Up"


I'm sorry you're sick. Thankyou for bringing me shopping and making fun of me getting mad. Oh and I'm worried about your memory, it made you say something STUPID yesterday that I still have yet to get over. I'm sure though on the ride home you forgot about everything

Thankyou for making me smell yummy.

Stay strong...


Boy, How come I only ever write to you now? You seem to be the only thing on my mind lately. Maybe it's the way you treat me, the things you say to me, or just who you are. I got your text message last night, it made my heart melt. It made me giggle to know you couldn't sleep, because you couldn't stop thinking about me. It those kind of things that remind me how lucky I am to have you. I love the fact you always tell me I am beautiful, even though I fight with you about it every single time. I like that we can act like friends, not just boyfriend/girlfriend all the time. I really love the fact you treat me the same, no matter who is around. Everything about us makes me feel good. I know this relationship is going to last. I love that you say you will wait for me and they you don't want rush anything. Your seriously the best boyfriend ever. Love girl.


Note to self: Good job taking care of yourself. You made the doctors happy, so that must mean you are doing something right. Keep it up, because now you don't have to go to the doctors till December. You've lost over twenty pounds in the last few months and it's great. You dropped two pants sizes as well. Your taking control of your life and it seems to make everyone happy. As well as yourself, I don't think you have ever been this happy! You're not letting the little things effect you as much, and you're not getting mad at everything. Your growing up and maturing. You found an amazing guy, who trears you better than you could have even imanged. Don't let him go. You aren't as shy anymore and you are able to talk about just anything. You haven't drank in a year and two months, even though you have had many chances to. You don't call yourself edge anymore, which is a good idea. You just have morals. Your parents aren't controling your life anymore, and you can pretty much do anything you want. You got yourself a job and one that you enjoy. Your going to be getting you liscene next month and a car. You are letting people into your life esaily and you actually open up to them. You got rid of the bad in your life and let grudges go. You accepted the fact your mother has a serious addiction and she can't stop. It's not because she doesn't love you. You haven't forgave your sister, but she still doesn't desereve it and probably never will. You've made new friends and actually kept them. You let some friends go, but that needed to happen. You made college plans and such. You're doing good. Don't ruin it this time.

  • Current Music
    Sugarcult-Hate Every Beautiful Day

(no subject)

dear tall blonde fella,
i havent seen you much this week.
actually, i havent seen you at all.
slightly odd, but ok, cause ive talked to you and weve both been busy.
but i miss you and your couch and your tummy to put my head on while we watch bad late night tv.
hopefully ill see you this weekend.
unconditionally, your favorite dreadhead.
Richey - heart by sleepless_icons

(no subject)

Dear you,

You've gone from my life, but now I just want to say that I'm gonna miss you more than anything. You inspired me and you helped me. I learnt so much from you. You made me laugh, but there were times you made me cry. I'd lay awake at night thinking of you, and I'm still going to do so.
I like to think that this is love. But it obviously isn't.
Have a nice life. I'll thank you for everything in person one day...hopefully.



Dear Jo,

It was two years ago today. Two years ago since you left everything. I almost didn't realise it was today, but everytime I look at the calender I remember. It doesn't seem like it's been so long.
People have moved on, but I know that lots of people still think of you. I'm one of the people that think of you.
They've put up a bench in your memory with a plaque on it. It's kinda if a bench is enough to remember a person.
I'm sorry this letter isn't as good as last year's. I just don't know what to say to you. It's difficult to say stuff to somebody I rarely spoke to. I wish I'd made more of an effort whilst I had the chance. I'm just glad I had my chance to apologise before it was too late, even if I couldn't fully admit to what I'd said.
I hope you're happy...where ever you've gone now.

Somebody who misses you


(no subject)

dear whichever old greatuncle you are,
im sorry that you were real old and sick.
and im sorry that you died.
im sure you were a great man
and im sorry i havent seen you since i was two.
and im also sorry that i wont know anyone in that part of the family at your viewing tonight.

so please forgive me that i am not looking forward to getting dressed up in uncomfortable clothes and standing around a creepy funeral home with a slew of family that i do not know from strangers on the street.

i guess im a bad person.

but i am sorry for the grief your part of our family is suffering.
i wish i could feel a little suffering too, just cause you are my moms uncle.
and i know shes sad.

with love and all the grief i can feel,
your distant great niece.

(no subject)

dear self.
you finally got your shit together. you finally figured out what was important. you finally realized that all you really had to do was be completly razor sharp honest with yourself and everyone else about where you wanted to be and what you wanted to do with your life. in the past month you moved to german by yourself, you're living with a host family, learning german, going to german school..and you're completely on your own. fuck you gastonia, i'm never going back.
self i'm proud.


(no subject)


You have my head so screwed right now, and I just don't fucking get you. A test of my trust? Of my loyalty? To see whether the promises I made of loving you forever were actually more than just a waste of breath? How can you even start that shit with me? What the fuck? For the past few months, ever since I left your house and moved here, you've messed around with girls. First behind my back, then when I found out, you decided not to bother to hide any of it anymore and just said straight to my face that you didn't want to be with me right now. Oh, I can't even begin to express how much it hurt when I saw the things you said to her, how my heart swelled up and felt like it was choking me when I realized you kept lying to me over and over and I kept buying it. I craved attention from you, just one piece of the heart you gave me and snatched away again. I love you, and you threw it back in my face. Now, I try and move on. I realized you didn't want me in your life anymore after the calls you promised but never made, after the emails I sent that were never replied to. It hurts too much. I do not know what you WANT. You tell me you love me, you're in love with me, but I cannot be your safety net. You can't tell me these things once you realize I'm slipping away. I want you.. I always have. But I don't want this, what you're doing to me. It's killing me.. I try and let go, try and get out and make a new life, and you draw me back in and do it all over. You're worse than smoking for me - at least I can quit that.

All I ask of you right now is not to fuck with my head, nor my heart. Just let me know what you want and I'll do it.

awful truth

(no subject)

to the one that broke my heart all that time ago..... i have a song for you....

Ani Difranco.... fuck you

Think I'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want noone to follow me
except maybe you

I could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
and I do

Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but I think you two are forever
and I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am I
that I should be vying for your touch
who am I
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbowes with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down top 20 country songs

Out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know I really don't look forward
to seeing you again

You look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and I won't know what to do
and I won't know what to say

Except fuck you...

I see you when I'm so perplexed
what was I thinking
what will I think of next
where can I hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and the fan that's on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
the only thing I can think of saying is

Fuck you...

i love you..... you don't care....
  • Current Music

(no subject)

I'm writing to you, the person without a face or name, because I am left with no one else at the moment. I enjoy college life but I do not enjoy this seclusion. i do not enjoy the fact that there are only showers and no bath tubs and that I generally have little to no privacy when Katie is in town. I hate the fact that I am left to clean and vacuum the room and that katie leaves the lights on and ignores what I want and yet I give her what she wants. I turn the tv down when she goes to bed but I'm still up or plug my headphones into it. I never turn the lights on when she is asleep. she turns the lights off when she goes to bed even if I'm doing homework. She practices japanese constantly and it's really annoying.

I had fun tonight without having her here. She comes back for a little but then is gone tomorrow to. I think I will get the RHA rep position with little opposition which gives me an in for being an RA next year which means free room and no roommate typically.

I also resent the lack of interesting boys my age. I mean I know there are some out there but I can't seem to find any that might be interested in me or willing to go out and have fun with a random person. I finad myself surround by people who look like people from home.