September 1st, 2005

(no subject)

I might just let you read this letter. Might. If I get the courage to. I might not because what's the point in telling you I don't know if I could be without you...if you never say the same to me?

I know you tell me you'd do anything for me, but would you love me forever if I asked you to? Would you tell me every day that you agree when I tell you I almost cried because you weren't next to me? I was sitting in the back seat of Franks car today almost in tears because I realized as little and unimportant I am in this world, you're the only one who makes me feel larger than life. And I wanted to tell you that...but you weren't there and I would have felt doofy waking you up to tell you something you've heard me say a million times. My heart races when you tell me you were thinking about me and missed me. It's a hint of truth when you say you love me as much as I love you. This whole school thing is taking a tole on me, it's taking a tole on us. You have to work harder this year which means you can't work as hard on us. I want more than anything for us to be okay, I just want to make it a little longer. I see you all around me. You're in everything I do...and even if we do break's still going to be like that and it would tear me apart. If we don't make it, I still love you and always will.

This might not mean anything to you, but just so you know...everynight you weren't mine I cried myself to sleep. I deserved it, but it hurt.

I just need reasurrence.
I need to know if you love me, because it's comfortable or not.
I just need you to end it now if you don't think it'll work.
I dunno, I just want to be with you.

I can see us together. Imagine our lives. Why does everything right now have to be so hard?


It's better than the fire is, to heat this lonely room...

Dear Casey Lobster,

Are you aware that you take my fucking breath away? I don't think you realize the magnitude of the situation. Seriously. I wish you wouldn't smile at me at school, or send me messages on Myspace, or tell me that you think I'm pretty. I really wish you wouldn't. And I wish you wouldn't come to school wearing a suit and tie, with those eyes and that smile, walking with the rest of those athletic monkeys that you are nothing like. I wish you would either take me by the hand and call me yours or tell me to leave you alone.

Because I just can't stand wondering, or making up these fantasies in my head that I know would never happen, and time is running out. I never thought I would hate to say that it is my Senior year. But I just wish I had more time to think about asking you to the movies with me, and I could dress beautifully, and you would be glad to have me in the palm of your hand...rather than indifferent. I wish you would kiss me, and tell all of your friends that you're lucky to have me, and be romantic to me.

I know that you are more than I could ask for, and for that reason, I don't imagine that you and I would ever be together. Not to mention the fact that we are two entirely different people. The jock and the geek unite? Yeah, in some freak crazy dream. But you leave me breathless, my heart pounding, and that feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. You make me shake just from looking at me.

I shouldn't be so weak at the unsolicited adoration of you.

I know that in many ways, I am more than you could ask for, and for that reason, this entire situation is tragic. I just want to be with you and hold your hand, and drink cocoa and kiss in the rain with you. But it seems like you're so hard to get to, and like...maybe you dont want me to get there.

Most of what I'm writing, you wouldn't understand. And I guess that makes me more intellectual than you are, and usually I would say, I don't need him, he's dumber than a rock, and he goes out and gets drunk on the weekends and he's just young and lusty. Usually...guys like you are nothing of interest to me. But with you, it's like...I would go out and get drunk-if it was with you. I wouldn't mind you being a little bit challenged- If you would be with me. I would fulfil your fucking lust...if you wanted me to.

And I guess if you really knew me, you would know that that is saying a lot.

You drive me insane.

I guess this situation goes along with you being a little bit slow. Because I've been waiting for you to catch up with me, so that you would see what I have to offer- because I think I have a lot to give. And I want you to have it all.

And it hurts the most that you barely even see me.

That I feel excited just because you look my way, and smile. Or that my heart jumps when you send me a message.

This entire thing is painful to me, and I just want to shake you up and scream in your face that you're turning away something wonderful.

But maybe it's for the better. You'd break my heart either way, and I guess I would rather hurt from a small chip off my heart than from a full on shatter.

I want you to see me.

With a brilliantly broken heart,
Kari </3
  • canvass

(no subject)

dear best friend,

I wish I knew what I could do to help you. I tell myself to just be there for you, but you arent telling me things, you arent telling me your problems so even if I wanted to listen, I can't

I think the worst thing is being afraid that the 'you' you are talking about is me. Because I'm such a self-centered person and honestly I dont know if I've done my best for you. I hope I have.

and I realy hope you'll be happy. I wish that for you everyday.

I'm just scared for you, honestly.

Much love,