August 30th, 2005

(no subject)

The concert was grand and I wanted to thank you for coming with me.
You coulda gotten a massage, I swear I woulda pretended it didn't bother me for the rest of the night.
Women are beautiful but I should be the best.
"You'd make a great son-in-law" -Thankyou mommy.
"Let me sleep on it!"
I'm gunna call you at 10 to wish you a good day at school, but you don't know that yet.
"Porcupine head"


(no subject)

I feind you, so you should call me.

People I consider friends,
"GOT YA!" - it was all a joke. We were just a joke.

Stop pretending like we don't tell you things. Playing dumb may have worked when you were younger but you're almost 60 now.
How much money are you giving me?

Your check better come...I'd like to get school clothes.

I still hate you.

(no subject)

Dear You,

Did I ever tell you that you make me jealous? Not because you have or are anything that I envy. It is that you make me jealous of other people. I look around, and I see my friends, random people...and I just want the same as them. They live lives that aren't denied. They are happy. They enjoy what they have. They smile. And not the pretend smile that I do. They love their moms. I am ashamed that I don't have that. But you are the one that made me this way. You keep me from the only things I love. And force me into everything I hate. For so long I've gone along with it- to only be your perfect daughter, to only have your love. But I knew I was never enough. You keep me chained. All the countless times I've lied to my friends. "I don't feel like going out." "I'm busy." "Maybe..." Just to delay the inevitable. You say no. You always say no. I wish I could confide in you. Tell you my dreams and secrets. But you make me ashamed. Because I can't be your perfect angel child. It never is enough for you. I only want you to be proud of me. But you only want to keep me down. You make excuses to keep me away. "Your grades are slipping." No. Actually they never did. I'm sorry that I'm not number 1 in my class of EFFING 700 instead of number 21. And like it matters anyways because you are forcing me to go to State for college rather than one of the UC's. "You won't focus on school." Um, I'm sorry but since when did parents keep their children FROM CHURCH? "You're becoming lazier." Ever think about anyone but yourself? YOU ARE THE PARENT. It is your job to take care of me. To protect me. NOT TO SMOTHER ME. You don't listen to anyone. Because you are always right. And you are sovereign. And I always just get in your way. All your daughters do. I'm sorry I'm SUCH a fuck-up. And that I'll never amount to anything. And that I'm such a horrible child. But I guess it's just a reflection ON YOU.

I'm sorry that I'm not you.
But I'll never be sorry that I don't ever want to be remotely you.


(no subject)

You never mean it when you say you're sorry. Please don't ever say it again.
I'm sick and tired of being your emotional punching bag, do you think you could let up every once in a while?
...Or atleast treat your own kids like shit on occation.
You didn't deserve to have your apology be accepted...but I gotta make my mommy happy.
And she seems to like sticking up for you...I mean she does it enough, right?
You told me to leave, so I did. It's your fault the foreign boys talked to me. They didn't believe me when I said I didn't use phones.
Now I'm staying the night at Karlies, because I don't wanna be here and I have no one else to depend on.
I'm sorry you thought I had more friends than I really do.
Now I'm just waiting for John to call so I can tell Karlie that Justin can come pick me up.
I'll be outta your hair for the night...


i&#39;m not...

love is just a game

this may very well be the last letter i ever write for you...but its not like your reading them on the edge of your seat, right? I'm getting over it but i know i never will fully be able to remove you from my mind...i tried to convince you that what i felt was more than just some hormonal kick and you told me to "chill the fuck out". i tried to make you see that i'm not being hormonal...your full of shit if you say you love me because i basically strayed myself infront of you and let you say what you wanted...but you didnt say a thing...i asked you questions but you didnt answer and now your in my head more than before. i was kidding myself thinking we were such good friends when we've known each other our whole lives and you barely know me. i can get over you i know i can...but it wont be over...itll just be this...pushed aside need that will grow and eventually turn into something ugly. the second you pop into my head my stomach turns to think you think i'm stupid when i know i'm not. i love you so much and i know i always will but i cant watch you give people a chance when i know i never get one...i'm too insanely jealous to watch you get hung on by someone else...just thinking about it makes me want to cry but i know i wont because i refuse to let myself. something made me always press on no matter what your telling me the truth but none of it would hold me up and i just ended up showing you what i really am and i scared you away.
i guess now i'm your...

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!! i can't believe you'd pull this shit. you try to make a move with me when your planning to ask my FRIEND out?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! its not even me i'm worried about...its her!!! you know how well we get along you fucking twat! i hate it when you do this!!! i hope you feel terrible for ever being dishonest to her!!! i hope it tears you a-fucking-part!!!! ugh!!!!
THIS! is why you disgust me!!!
your a FUCKING PIG!!!!!!!!!

(no subject)


Fuck you and all your bullshit. I'm better off without you and not only do I realize it, but I'm doing something about it.
Never thought I'd try this one, did you? It makes me laugh to think how badly you're kicking yourself right now. And yes, I know you hate it that I've finally exercised some self control and told you to fuck off and actually mean it because even though I don't reply to your pathetic emails, I read them.
Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, you've been a huge fixture in my life for a long time now. But I no longer care. You're a cowardly lying bastard. And I already know enough of them to have an extra.
So, have fun with your new little girlfriend. We both know it's never going to work. But try and be happy with your choice.
I have a smile on my face.
Hello, little miss self-reliant.



Don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

Dear parents: Stop acting like you know everything about me. You know nothing! Your making my life difficult right now.

I don't know why everyone thinks I am anorexic. Just because I have lost weight doesn't mean I am effin' starve myself. You all know nothing about how I take care of myself. I eat healthy, I exercise, and I don't shove my face with sugar. Is that SO hard to except? I can't help it that my stomach can't hold much, would you rather me eat more than I can stomach and then have me start vomiting up? That would be really unhealthy. I have a busy schedual and sometimes food just isn't on my mind. I have to watch what I eat, because of the medicine I am on, I don't want to gain weight. What I do with my body is my effin' decison. Get over it, stay out of my life, and leave me the eff' alone. I promise you this Mom and Dad, if you put me in the hospital for this, I will never talk to you again. I am eating effin' icecream now! Damit.

Sarah: I really miss you. I am so glad I only have to wait another week to see you.

Kyle: Your flippin' awesome. Thank you for everything. Without your help, I would be lost and confused. Your an amazing friend. Even if you are a whore! ( :

Dear boyfriend,  I need you right now. I want to be laying in bed with you, all tangled up, and warm. I am cold and I want you to keep me warm. I want to be in your arms, because it is the only place I feel safe. I want to kiss you. I need to hear you say you love me.  I want you..... I love you.

Dear um whoever. I have a doctors app on Friday. I am asking my doctor to put me on birth control. If my step mother finds out, she is going to slit my throat. I am a little worried. They can't tell her, can they? I need advice!

Love Jessica.

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