August 28th, 2005

If i dont make your heart skip a beat, then hate me.if i dont make you feel anything, then its me.

Dear me, (burgundy)

I have many valid reasons to hate myself and the life I live.

I hate myself because Im mad...all the time.
I hate myself because Im always fucking confused.
I hate myself because I've wasted a year of my life being a depressed, emo bitch.

Yesterday, he asked me out. But, I told him that hes gonna change his mind in a few days anyway because he'll want to be single again. He said I was probably right.

I hope im very very wrong. and I hope we go out forever.

Today, Dave told me Im not grateful for katies friendship...and that I talk to him like hes horrible. I hate myself.

Im sorry that Katie, and Ashley and Dave arent enough for me. Actually, dave is, but he has his own life.. and I dont.

I dont like being around katie for long periods of time, because im so fucked up and i feel like im infecting her. her parents make me uncomfortable. we talk about the same depressing things all the time. I need a friend who is just like me....but has more motivation to do things, and who is more interesting. Therefore, they would understand me, making it harder for me to ruin things with them...and they would give me something to do.

I should be a better friend to katie....I should be a better friend to everyone

I suck at kissing, and thats the reason why I cant give anyone that 'kick in the chest' feeling that I wish I could give people. (boo hoo)

sometimes, i secretly wish that someone would do something to me that really really bothered me (for some reason, nothing really bothers me anymore) so that they would push me over the edge, and I would have the guts to kill myself.

I wish I had a friend with a car.....

This is something I wrote on August 7th, and I havent gotten any better since....Collapse )

I can't remember

I'll be a n.b. in your discussions with your new girlfriend. You'll paint yourself in wonderful colours lik a famed artist. I'l be the sketch you designed the future on.

You can sell it to the world but there will never be another us. I know that. You so know that. So this one's for you .. you coward.

I remember

I can't remember your kiss. I can only feel his.

I can't remember your love. I know his lust.

I can't recall your anger. I feel his heat.

I can if I wanted to feel you on my skin, my lips. But he is better.

Is that what you wanted?? Together at New Year, together. In every way. Now so distant.

(no subject)

Dear Greg,

I miss you already. March seems so far away. Why'd you have to leave so soon? I know you didn't do it on purpose, but it sucks that you left just a short few months after I met you. And even though we really never took the time to get really emotionally close, I still love you to death kid, and I'm praying for you. Thank you for having my back so many times. Thank you for sticking up for me. Thank you for showing me some good times. Thank you for being my friend.

I'll be waiting.
<3 Nikki


Dear Mr.President,

THANKS, for sending several of my lovely friends and family members to Iraq.
You get a big FUCK YOU for that one.

i&#39;m not...

okay its been so long its like i can't remember your face...even with the pictures

Dear Benjo,
My my, aren't we in quite the pickle? I'm glad you won Alexa over last night, she honestly doesnt like you and for you to stick up for me like that made me feel so amazing you have no idea!!!!!! I've decided I need a better way to show you I love you because obviously you don't get it. what I mean by pickle is...your ex-best friend keeps trying to get me to be his fucking whore which I will not do! and I've heard rumors circulate about you and Katie, you and Sarah, you and girls I don't know. then again we're not exactly together are we? I have no reason to be jealous...yet I am...I am insanely jealous of any girl who has a crush on you because she'll probably get to be with you or get your attention...oh god if I werent so fucking possessive then everything would be fine!!!!! you have nothing to worry about because all you have to fucking do is say my name and I'm there...though I'm sure you don't know that...look maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and this kills me. I've got this tough exterior and you make me feel all butterfly-in-my-stomach-y. is that all you know of me? because you make me into something i've never felt I could be and it scares me. the thought of all this built up happiness...all these flirting scenes...all of gone? I'd break in half...I wouldnt know how to deal with it. I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL IF AND WHEN YOU KISS SOMEONE ELSE!!!!
I want to know if your lying about loving me even though I have no reason I still doubt it because of all the shit I've heard about you. I want to believe you...I want to trust you...I want you to remind me constantly that you can't live without me...but only if you can't.

(no subject)

Hello. I never really got a chance to put a post in here.
My name is Ashley. My frined Burgundy told me about this community.
I have no life, and I find enjoyment in receving letters. so if anyone would like they can mail me at:
Ashley Devane
402 Hamilton ST
Schenectady, NY 12305

and I will gladly write you back. :)