August 25th, 2005

(no subject)


You proved me wrong. Good job. I hope you're satisfied. And yet, at the same time, I know you're not. I want so badly to just sit around with all my girl friends, and call you an asshole, and tell them you were a bad kisser anyway, and I don't really care, and why should I, because I can get another guy in five minutes. But I can't. Because none of it would be true. Maybe the last part. Maybe. But not without me severly lowering my standards. The ones which you played such a big part in the raising of. Good job you. And, I want so much to be mad at you, to give you the cold shoulder, to say "I HATE YOU", and mean it, maybe even just a little bit. But I don't. And I can't.

And I want to stop listening to all your dumb music, or to at least really think it was dumb. But I don't. And I won't. Because I love it to death. And I'm still so glad that you got me listening to atmosphere, and sage, and gym class heroes, and even LTC, a.k.a. you. because it showed me a different side of myself. and i know that i'll always remember you for that. and of course for all the other things, that i wish i could forget. but that i'm sure i never will. and i probably won't want to eventually. but right now, i wouldn't mind.

See what I mean about the meaningless nikki babble? This is it right here. You've just experienced it. And I'm sure there's plenty more to come. Because that's what I do. And I do it often.
But for now, I'm done. Because I don't know what else to say.
And I'm tired.
And it's hard to type when my eyes are all full of tears like this.
It makes the screen all shaky.
And my head is starting to hurt.

With love-

Say goodbye to the hearts you break

Dear you,
I lied, before. This is the real last letter and the real goodbye.
I don't know how to let you go.
I got to talk to you for a few hours, a few weeks ago, but it left a lot more questions than it answered. I don't understand. Not everyone who loves you is going to hurt you, okay? Just so you know.
Please tell me how to forget you existed.
But you're not ever coming back. This is so much more final and so much more real, but it feels so surreal, almost like I watched it happen to someone else.

You're just gone.
You were so...cold. Not like my usual greeting at all. It was uncomfortable as hell because you didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to phrase it. I'm glad I did get to say goodbye no matter how much more it hurt. It didn't HAVE to be a goodbye though. If you wanted to badly enough you could have kept in touch or something. I mean, you're not just going to say goodbye to your best friends when you leave. I know I'm still.

You said that I'm not your problem anymore.
Is that so?
Does that mean you won't care how fucked up I get?

I'm sorry all of this happened.

I wish you hadn't apologised. There's nothing you could have done and even if there was, "Sorry" doesn't fix things that have been broken. It wasn't your fault I was stupid enough to let you in and give you this kind of power over me.
So this is my real goodbye and this is really the last letter. This is still, however, me missing you.

I guess it's obvious. Breeze knew right away. Spring's getting married on your birthday, remember? Breeze is going to call me so I'm not alone, then.  On her sister's fucking WEDDING day, she's going to be worried about me.

I don't know if it's going to be okay, Dev. I don't.
Matt says it will be, but I'm not sure I believe him.
People say that sometimes to make you feel better but that doesn't mean it's true. I'm sure people told you it would be okay when your mom died. Did that make it better?

I didn't think so.

Have you forgotten me already? That wouldn't surprise me. Matt said he caught you crying a little after we talked.. I'm not sure I believe him about that either. You, the impenatrable Devyn, cry? The last time I've known you to cry was over Jackie, and she broke YOUR heart, not the other way around. What did I say? I was just rambling and babbling at you. I wish I hadn't said what I said because it didn't fix anything. I should have stayed in bed that night.

I don't know how to explain how sorry I am.

I don't know how to explain that I didn't mean for this to happen.

I don't know how to tell you how I can't let you go no matter how hard I try.

So I guess this is the end of this goodbye, isn't it?

xox Liz(zy)

Fuck you.

To whoever feels like reading.

If you REALLY love someone, you wouldn't be able to cheat on them. If you really loved someone you would be faithful to them, always and forever. If you really loved them and they cheated on you, then you should do the right thing and let them go. Even if it hurts, because THEY DON'T LOVE YOU. If they truthfully loved you, then why would they do that to you. They knew it was going to hurt you, yet they still did it.

For you.Collapse )

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(no subject)

To feel better about myself, I like to give advice. I like to give advice mostly to people I can relate to, because whenever I make decisions, I conciously make the ones that are wrong, and that will wind up hurting me. I dont know why I do this. I get some satisfaction out of giving other people advice on the right things to do, as a way to justify all of my wrong doing. If that makes any sense.

Im getting tons and tons of really strong urges to do really bad things that arent normally how I would be.

I want to meet a friend. I have the perfect friend in my head. I just have to meet them.

I dont know what Im thinking.

if anyone wants to randomly IM me with a secret or because they want advice, they can.

Asthenia18220 is my sn.

(no subject)

Okay so here's the thing.

Don't take the time out to write me a letter telling me how much you hate me and don't be in my life. If you didn't care, if it didn't bother wouldn't have written anything. I'm sick of trying with you. If you're going to get mad at me all the time atleast pretend to stay mad. There's always a time period where we talk again...then you get mad..then we fight...then we don't talk. How about we skip all that and go right to the end. I mean seriously...we know this is going no where.

Just do me a favor, and don't talk shit or anything.

Don't even speak a word about things you don't understand.

You want me to break up with him? Okay. Don't worry about it it'll happen soon. And you will be happy beyond reason that I'm alone...because you can't wish happiness for anybody but yourself.

I hope you and Brandin have a great life, or however long you are together. You two look cute together.

Yeah you hurt my feelings...but that's what you meant to. Overreacting is one of your best traits.

You wont ever have to deal with me again.