August 24th, 2005

(no subject)

dear she
im sorry im just not a very stable person. and its very hard for me to think lately. i really dont know what to say or do because i know how you feel and im sure you kinda know how i feel. but then one time you didnt talk to me and i was like "damnit i miss her" i have to admit that i felt that way a little. it was weird. maybe i do like you but hey youre never going to find out. because once you do im sure that ill fuck things up. and like im sorry but im sure our friendships not going to last. i know that im not god but thats just how i feel. i know its mean but i dont really care by now. ive been through this one before. but i just wanted to say "thanks for being there for me". and the sad part is shes never going to read this...i think
from me

(no subject)

Dear You,

I'm not a jealous or suspicious girl.
And I don't hate people or get easily annoyed or intimidated.
So, I don't understand why everyone thought it would be
"awkward", "...interesting", "kinda weird" that you invited her last night.
Just because you have a history with her [though it be a 9+ month off&on history],
I'm supposed to be put off by her presence?
Even your sister pulled me aside, "Did you know about this?...Are you okay with this?"
Um, since when was I NOT supposed to be okay with her?
Especially since I actually like her.
And people thought it was "weird" that I was talking to her and hanging out with her.
Like I would be so petty.


Dear You,

You are my sunshine.
My honey.
My everyday.
My tall blonde shaggy-haired surfer boy with exactly ONE dimple.
My nightly call [9 o'clock on the DOT]
My pair.
&of course my favorite.

I absolutely love it when you call me love. And that you do so much for me. And that we've made it this far. :)

And who said there was "trouble in paradice"?


Dear Rancho Buena Vista Little League team,

You boys are absolute STUDS. Kalen, when you come back home to Vista, you KNOW you're gonna be macking big time. WORLD SERIES! Take it home boys. You can beat Saudi Arabia &Japan &the other team that I don't remember right now; you haven't lost a game this year yet. Vista loves you. :)



(no subject)

dear boy,

it's so good to know that it wasn't just a drunk thing.
and that maybe you like me<3
actually i think you do.
laskjflkasjdflasdfjksadfjsd :) :)
you make me so happy, but you make me hate you at the same time.

like last night when we were in your bed i just wanted to be like, dan i hate you, why are you torturing me like this?

then i just decided i didnt care<3 and that you are so wonderful sometimes.

okay okay

bright eyes<3
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

(no subject)

Dear Killian,
I guess I have tried too much, too hard, have thrown myself up against the wall that is your heart too many times and the blood spattering this time is just more than I can take. You tell me that you love me but this is the evidence that says that you will never love me. you never did.
And I beg for a reason, a simple fucking reason so that I can walk away with something- if not you- to hold, but you won't even give me that. My "psychological conundrums" need to be fed, so you say, and you will not feed them. You won't even give me the why of leaving me scraped out and hollow and broken and left with nothing to feel and a burning nasal cavity and swollen eyes and weakened wrists.
I never thought that I would let it get this bad.

But I guess broken hearts is just what we are. You bleed just to know that you can feel and you fight and you scream and you try to be more than just hurt, so a paper doll smile is plastered there. And we are plastic and you don't remember.
You don't remember? you don't remember needing me and wanting me and feeling me?

fucking bullshit.
I guess I should let it go, but Im bound to you.
and that's the way it has to be, this is how I say goodbye, my hand still clutching to yours.
I will never let go
  • Current Music
    From Autumn to Ashes _Autumn's monologue_

(no subject)

he wakes up holding me, while dreaming about holding her. I hate myself for not being able to leave him, because he doesnt love me like I love him. and he never will. I wanna die.

(no subject)

dear my exam results
please be better than expected. please allow me to make my parents proud. please be something i can be happy with. please don't be something that is bad.

dear Jack
please keep talking to me just for something to do.

dear fate
please let me see him this bank holiday and for us to hang out and just be..good friends. i want to be his good girl friend. i don't want him freaking out about us being good friends. i just want to enjoy his company and for him to enjoy mine.

dear all my friends
please start making me laugh, think, feel good, inspire me, keep me sane, feel happy, feel needed again. we've drifted apart this summer and i've been too lazy/anti social to do anything about it. i need you guys to be good friends again not just people i see out of neccessity of leaving the house once in a while.

dear all the people out there that could be my friends
please hurry up and show yourselves! i would like to meet new people who become good friends.

dear all those guys that could be my boyfriend
run to me, tomorrow if possible. i need to feel something inside because i'm starting to feel dead. i need to feel loved and horny and i need to get fucking laid! but make me feel safe and cared for cause otherwise it'll suck.
  • Current Music
    jack johnson-banana pancakes