August 19th, 2005


(no subject)

dear tall blonde fella
there is a reason its called "love"
its because of the way i smile when i smell u on my tshirt.
its the way the stars shine brighter on the long walk home tonight.
its the way we need to kiss goodbye more then once while standing in your doorway.
its the way i feel right now.
unconditionally, your favorite dreadhead
  • Current Mood
    loved loved

(no subject)

Dear Daddy,

I hate you. I hate that you're happy without me, I hate that you can go on pretending everything is fine. I hate that you don't talk to me. I hate that you don't know that I cry at random times about losing you. I hate that if you knew, it wouldn't bother you a bit. I hate that after 16 years a connection we made was cut off. I hate your hands for wraping around my throat and I hate that you thought it was justified. I hate that you think I always lie and I hate that you had to lie and pretend that we had a good relationship for 3 years. I hate that you're going to do the same to my little sister. I hate that I have a bad relationship with my littl brother because of you. I hate that I never see my sister.

All in all though....I hate you.

im sorry.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Why don't you seem to take anything i say seriously? I don't get a long with 'them' nor do i want to. It's your fault that i left.. You made me leave. I miss all my friends because of you. I know people fall apart.. but aleast i wouldn't always feel so alone. I would love to tell you how i feel , i really would.. but when will you listen? I can't fit in 'here' because I AM DIFFERENT.. I do love you. I really do.. And im not afraid who knows.. just listen to me once in a while.. please. I'm sorry I am not what you wanted me to be.. At least you still have Joebus.

Your first born problem child.

  • Current Music
    Hit so hard.
wonka candy vs liquor

Am I just the messenger?


Look. I know that you don't want anything to do with Ms. Lafave anymore, but I have to say that it's not my job to tell her that. I'm still a member of the band. You don't wanna be, well good for you. I just hope you don't miss it too much-even if you do, then don't tell me about it. Because you made your bed and you can lie in it. I know that that sounds cruel, but I feel you've taken the cowards way out. And I'm frustrated with you. We've talked twice this week, and all of a sudden, it's my job to tell the director you don't wanna be in it? I don't think so. If you don't want to continue, you can let her know yourself. Now go screw off. Please and thank you. I'm getting sick of how you fall apart when things don't go your way. Oh, and great job on completely screwing up the Phantom's going to have a giant hole where you were, and you were a point. You defined it. So thanks for making us look like sh!t on the field, by not being there.

I'm still your friend...if you want me to be. It seems that you don't, and I'm not sure I understand why. We just got a decent friendship back, but you have so many other friends that I'm not important to you, at least I don't feel important to you. But whatever. I've got more friends, and if you don't need me, then I don't need you. But I'm not going to be used as a last resort. I just won't be. You've been decent as a friend so far, but I'm just wondering how it's going to be later, when you get busy, and when I get busy. Oh well. We'll see how things go.

I'm not the messenger this time. I've been it before to tell you things, and you overreacted to them. Oh well. That's your fault.

  • Current Music
    I'm not listening to anything...

(no subject)

Dear You,

I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts, memories, emotions, going a million miles per hour in my head. I don't know where one becomes another, I've become lost in time. I guess I'll just let my fingers say what I can't get myself to say out loud. You and me. My first real boyfriend, first true kiss, first boy who I'd give up so much for. But all of that is so lost in all my memories now. Months of being so afraid to let you in, months of just being so me. And you put up with it. I would give myself to you, but not everything. Let you in, but only as close as I could stand. Finally, I let myself truly believe that I could actually be real. It's ironic how much I stay away from people for being so fake, yet I am probably the least genuine of them all. Genuine. That word that I always use to describe you. I always have kept love away from me, did you know that? My parents basically can't stand each other, my sister has been scarred over tenfold from how much he hurt her, my friend doesn't even remember that old her because she was taken advantage of, and I just don't trust myself. I am not good enough for you. I don't even deserve you. For so many months you've called me every night, only to face me. And yet, everyone else makes it seem the other way, you make it seem the other way. That I am this epitome of girl, and you are the one that I positively influence. You can't even see that it's not even remotely that way. I know this issue, I thought I overcame it a long time ago. But I still face it every single day. Only it's become more aparent that I haven't ever since you. My unforgiving relationship with perfection. I hate it. Because even though I know it's impossible, I still can't stop myself from continually trying to be it. I pretend. I am stuck in my own idealism. And I realize it and that's what frightens me the most. Because I am trapped in this "me" that I can't even live up to. And you deserve so much more than this.

I can't even begin to say I'm sorry,