August 14th, 2005


(no subject)

Dear Boy,
i really really really like talking to you.
and pretending i like football, and i know something about it.
just so i can see you.
and i love how cute you look when you play guitar.
because you looked so adorable.
and i love that you like my car.
and that you waited for me to quit watching sex and the city.
so we could talk some.
i also love, how you said i should spend the night before school starts.
and i think you might actually care.
and i really really REALLY like you.

please please please dont hurt me, or bring that other Girl into the picture.
i hate her because i know you liked her.

dear self,
if you fuck this one up, you have no reason to live.
fo real.

(no subject)

To you,

So tired of me now. So tired of the situation. You have moved on. I'm still here - treading water in the vast ocean frantically waving for attention. This confuses you - hadn't you already saved me? Years ago you did. But I need it again. Our deal was to be together forever which meant that we continually saved each other from the storms. But the clouds filled the sky and we were plunged into darkness - you took your things and ran from the weather leaving me alone in the rain. I have no choice but to find my own shelter. But that wasn't the deal! We said 'forever' and the deal was not to give up without a fight! OK OK. I left first. I left you. That's how we see it from a practical point of view. I felt I had no choice - is this how you feel too? I wish I knew. But you are so tired of me now. So tired of this situation. You hear my voice and it reminds you of war. You see my name in the inbox and work and you think of battles. My name sprining to your phone does not, as it once does, fill you with joy, excitement and the purpose of life, but fills you with weary dread.

I want to scream. No! Not to us! It's happened before - but not to us. We even lamented for other's it happened to - the distance I hoped we immuned ourselves from. 'Us' was special. It was fresh and forever. And now I am 27. Instead of settling down I am starting again. All my money, all my hopes, all my dreams were with you - my little hand in yours. My little life in yours. The last time I felt this way was six years ago with a different man. The last time I felt this way I thought was the last time.

If I had a million dollars. I'd pay anything to be with you again and erase the past six months. What hurts me more than anything - more than losing the house, losing the life, losing my sanity, losing a promise, losing you. More than losing you I am saddest about knowing you did not fight for me.

I love you. Forgive me. One kiss would turn back the clock. I promise.


(no subject)

Dear Heath,

You'll be a United States Marine in less than a week. You've finally made it, and I couldn't be more proud of you! Congratulations!

I want you to know that I still think about you everyday, even if I didn't cross your mind once the entire time you were away.

See you when you get back!