August 12th, 2005

Isabelle at the looking glass
  • ziarre

(no subject)

Dear Boy,

If I wasn't absolutely sure of how naive you are, I would be convinced that you do this to me to be absolutely diabolical.
Would you please get somebody to stand between me and my hormonal self so that I know know what I really feel? So that I'll know if it's just you who's insane or if I'm just as culpable.
It would be nice to have a clear answer.

Love Girl

(no subject)

Dearest Community,

I know that basically all the letters that I write in here are about my boyfriend. And that they're all pretty much lame inside joke, sugary letters that make me laugh when I read them, but cringe that you all will see how nerdy we are together.

But, looking through my own personal journal, I found these letters that I wrote him ages ago- the first in OCTOBER and the second in DECEMBER.

First a little background:
We had known each other for a couple years, but never really talked- only little chats here &there, flirty comments that I just brushed off as being friendly. And then last summer, we spent a week together, &we're suprised at how well we got along. He got my number when he got a new phone &during the first few months of school, he would text me in the mornings- just to say hi, etc. We were like those friends that could possibly be something more [&everyone always thought there was something more], but just had that flirty/super friendly relationship. Then I realized that I was really starting to like him, but only told my best friends. Basically, I ended up totally crushed after two weeks of no more messages, because I found out that he had a girlfriend [not the entire time, just since the two weeks]. Of course I didn't tell anyone how hard it hit me, I just pretended to not care, &ended up becoming good friends with his girlfriend. Their relationship fell through &now he &I are [obviously haha] together, but reading these letters brings back all those emotions I felt.

It's crazy that he &I have been through all this just this past year. But I guess it is true that you just need to wait for good things to come to you.


Under the cut, because they are so long.

I'm writing again, these letters to you,Collapse )


A letter I'll Never Send!

Dear Sam,
I want you home now, another weeks going to kill me! I miss you! I know before you went away I was all confused about whether I wanted this to happen or not and I still am... but Im just going to give in because its easier and no matter how many times we go through this I always make the same choice! Its probably not the best idea to sleep with my ex, but I fucking love you and I KNOW we're never getting back together... so this is my choice- lets do this again! Friends with a twist im only to happy to go back to it! OMG last night was the first time in a week I havent had a bad dream about loosing you I cant keep going through this though, because I keep loosing you, and then suddenly your back in my life.. and then you hate me? and then you love me? and then your jealous but you dont want me? and then you want me but you dont want anyone else to know you want me?!?! Its so confusing and everytime you decide you want me back in your bedroom I think this is what it is, all it is- sex... and then I look in your eyes, and you hug me before I go and you give me little cute presents that mean something to our relationship like those quirky little things only we do. GOD I LOVE YOU! But all those things happen and I know you still feel the way I do, and I ask you about it, and you say you dont know... and it gets left at that... so I end it because I dont want to be used... omg and so I am confuzzled again! Why do I let you do this to me? Why cant I just move on?! Its been about 5 months since we were publically together as in officially boyfriend and girlfriend so why is this the way it is? Are we meant to be together because thats the only explanation I can think of! We wouldnt put ourselves through this if that wasnt true.. so why dont we just get back together, I know you dont want to for whatever reason, but PLEASE just think about it.
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(no subject)

To the boy who did more damage than he thinks,

I thought about you today. I have lunch with your cousin.
We were sitting there talking, and I just kept thinking about you.
I wondered if you ever even cared about me at all... noone who knows you that well seems to think you did.
I wondered if you knew what you did to me, how you shattered my self-confidence and made me feel worthless.

Then I thought about how stupid I was ever to have believed you. YOUR OWN COUSIN TOLD ME HOW COLD YOU WERE INSIDE! But did I listen? No. I wonder what would have happened if I had. Maybe I could have saved myself some pain.

But looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't listen. I'm glad I stuck it out for nearly a year. I'm glad you put me through hell and back again. I'm glad you tore my heart out and stepped on it then put it back inside.
--Know why?
Because it's made me a stronger person.
You might be a fucktard, and I might hate the very thought of you, but I am thankful for the lesson that you taught me.
--When it comes right down to it, I'm stronger than I think. I don't need to depend on anyone else for happiness, because nothing is perfect.--

Also, it's made me so much more appreciative of my current relationship than I might have been.
I love Pat so much. It amazes me. I never thought I could love anyone again after what you did to me, but he came along and showed me what it felt like for someone to truly, genuinely CARE about me. I love him so much for that. He knows all my little imperfections (he's seen me naked, after all, lololol) and he still loves me.
He's helped me heal. He's almost completely fixed in 5 months what it took you a year to destroy. I thank God every single day that I have him in my life.

I really don't know what the point of this letter is, I guess it's just to vent, and show you that I am doing quite well without you, despite what you may think.
And by the way, next time you decide to call me a whore and insult me and my style of clothing, hair, etc. make sure it's not to a friend of mine. MMk?

The funny thing is, I thought you cared.

I pity you more than anything, because I know how weak you really are. As careful as you were, you couldn't hide that from me, and despite what you may think, I still know you better than you know yourself.
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