August 10th, 2005

i'm hot

(no subject)

Dear Boy,
we broke up. i got over you, finally. then the other night you texted me, and after us hating each other all of july, you wanted to be friends again. you said the only people you can really talk to stuff about is me and your girlfriend. i thought that meant maybe we would just talk sometimes and just not be in a constant fight. that would have been fine for me. then tonight you called me. and we talked, like old times. and then you came over for a while and we hung out, sneaking out just like we had planned when we were together. only you have someone new now. and i thought i was over you. but hanging out with you, laughing, like old times. i just dont know. you said we should hang out again. what is that supposed to mean? i don't know if I'm going to be able to go back to friends. sometimes i think you think the same thing, but maybe not. maybe im just a fool.

From, Girl.
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i'm not...



i cant say that we're here again because i'm not sure where here is...let alone if we've been "here" before. all i know is i just dont want to feel like i'm being mean to you, or annoying you. so i try to talk to you and i know you read what i write, you just dont write it that you dont know what to say? or that you dont care? i want to imagine you as this amazing person who is as shy as i am...whos so accepting about everything. i dont ever want to be with anyone else, but i'm scared to tell you that. you have a girl right? well, whats stopping me from getting someone? its not like i want a million people to be all over me...i just want to know if you mean what you say. would it hurt you if someone took intrest in me? but if you care about yourself being hurt then you must be an asshole to not care about me. i'm not asking you to leave anything for me i just want to know if your expecting me to get caught in that moment of my own imagination...when your not even there. if i trust you i'll be going against everyone i know and love...but if i dont then my world will fall apart. i want to be that independant girl you want but i dont want to be an asshole. i want to shower you with attention but i dont want you to get sick of me. i want to hear your voice again but i dont want to call. i've got this dream Ben in my head...he calls me for no reason. he lets me know he loves me. he'll wrestle with me. i want that tought Ben exterior with a sweet person inside...but not too sweet...sarcastic sweet...asshole sweet...and i dont want you to be like me because i'm not worth shit.
i want to know something...if you dont like your girlfriend now...and you break up...will you end up asking some other girl out? am i supposed to just sit here? would you think i'm a whore if i have a guy? what makes it okay for you? what does she mean to you? what do i really truely honestly mean to you?

i dont want you to think i'm something i'm not...because i want it to be like it is but i dont understand. you said that you couldnt even date me for fear of hurting me and part of me wants to think your full of shit but the other half thinks that thats the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to ma and if you leave...if you walk out...if you just stop feeling the way you did at that moment...i dont know how far i'll fall before i hit the ground. i dont know how long i'll cry before my eyes dry out.

i dont want to be with another guy to be away from you...i want to be with someone else to protect myself. i want you to scream that you cant stand it! i dont want to hurt you but i want you to understand that i'm not just something you can hold when youve borrowed out all your blankets...i'm not some replacement heart to use as you please. i want you to realise that i may not be much to myself but what i'm giving you is more than i allow myself to be happy. i truely love you, and i hope you see that if you break me apart itll be more than you can handle.


(no subject)

Dear Alex,
I know how many times you've said you love me, and I can't even find words to explain how much I love you. I never want to break up with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I know most people would say that we're too young to think things like this but they can't stop me. I just worry so much that you'll break my heart. It's happened before and I promise I'm not saying I don't trust you because you are one of the only people in this world that I actually do trust. I know I'm really clingy sometimes and that I can annoy you to a point of insanity. I guess what I'm really trying to say is thank you. For being here, for not hurting me, for.......loving me.

Love always,
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