August 8th, 2005

infinite

(no subject)

dear tall blonde fella
i love you.
but i hate you.
still.
i want u to hold me in ur arms, laying on ur couch in our favorite postion
while i cry my eyes out about how wrong u have treated me.
but i still love you.
unconditional love, your favorite dreadhead.

(no subject)

Dear B,

Um, we broke up 8 months ago. Yeah. And we were barely a couple, it felt like one of those middle school relationships. So please stop interefering with my other relationships, particularly the one I have with my best friend. I wish the two of you would stop talking about me, about the things you want me to change, and about the people I'm interested in. Who asked you? Seriously. You're messing everything up. You messed up one of the best things that could have happened to me. So with that in mind, I'd like to give you a nice 'fuck you,' because I know that I'll never say it to your face, and I don't even want to since then we wouldn't be very close anymore would we? You're my best friend, and things are going so great this way, and I'm happy. Please just stop.

Love me.

(no subject)

dear boy,

it's slowly breaking my heart. ive tried to hide so many thing from everyone. and i feel that eventually my heart is going to burst. sometimes i just want to scream out at the top of my lungs how i feel about you, but most of the time -- i just want to restrain myself from breaking down in tears infrot of my friends. its taken more than a year for them to think that ive started to feel better, and i dont want to fail myself now. because if i cant feel better on the inside, i atleast want to look alright on the outside.

im so tired of feeling rejected by everyone in my life. i know they dont mean it, but its me, and i always feel as though im being left out. i hate being like that and i think thats just why i take things even worse, because im beating myself up over so many thing that i cant control.

dear friends,

i want you all to know that im so sorry for what i do to myself at night, im feel so bad at the fact taht i think i need to bleed to cause my heart to stop aching. and i feel even worse that when you see scars i lie about where they came from -when clearly you know im lying. but you're all just so great that you dont push the matter. you lt it go and trust taht ill find a way to solve my problems on my own, and i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for that, because if my parents ever found out what i do.... i dont even know if i would survive through that night. and you all understand.
i love how you all have sleep over so many times, and i knwo that in the back of your heads your all think ing 'this means tonight she wont hurt herself' but no one even says it to one another - its just understood...