August 7th, 2005

don't forget to breathe..

You marry a role and you give up your soul 'til you break down.

Dear Danny,

The problem isn't that I don't love you- It's that I love you. No, I don't even think that there IS a problem. This snuck up on me, this feeling that I'm feeling now. I was fine every other time someone has cheated on me or have fallen for someone else, because I could accept it. I could accept my mother dying, my best friend completely fucking me over, my father leaving my mother, anything. I can accept everything in every situation, but this. I cannot except that fact that you don't love me like you want me to believe.

The fact that I'm your first real hug. The fact that I'm your first cuddle. The fact that I'm your first kiss. The fact that I'm your first hand job, your first blow job, your first fuck, your first GIRLFRIEND terrifies me to the point of hysteria. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe. It's killing me. You're killing me.

It's not even that I'm insecure about myself. Because I'm not and I know that's your first thought. That's what you said to me. You asked me if I knew my self worth. Babe, I know my self worth but I'm afraid that you're the one that doesn't know your own self worth or mine.

I'm in love with you. Completely. You, nor anyone else, will ever understand this. The reason why you will never understand this is because (you told me yourself) there's the possibility of you falling for someone else. There is no possibility for me. You won't believe me when I tell you this. You will never don't know what you mean to me.

And because you mean so much to me, explains me falling in love with you. Yes, I've fallen in love before, I've done things that you haven't, but you feel so right. Or you felt so right. I've become aware of how many people yern after many people could POSSIBILY yern after you.

For fuck's sake, one of my dearest friends told me tonight that they liked you up until the point of the end of this school year..which is when we got together. She didn't seem to truthful when I asked her if she still liked you. (To be completely honest, not at all.) Her passion for you still didn't exceed the amount of time in which I have wanted you..

You don't know what I'm worth. You don't know what could be between us. But I do. You have this twisted, my dear..

You're going to cheat on me, you're going to think that you've fallen for someone else. I know you will. It's not just a feeling I have, I know you will. You can't promise me this (as I have you), because you know you will, too.

My question is..why am I being selfish? Why am I staying with you for my own pleasure? Especially when I know how things are going to end and how it's going to tear you apart. You're going to know my worth then, won't you?

A more important question...Why can't I never have in return what I give out? It's not that I always look for repayment for every "good deed" that I do, because I do not think of them as "good deeds". It feels right to do certain things in certain situations; I do expect nor need repayment. But this one time..this one time when love snuck up on me and I did not see it coming...why can't I have it in return?

In between each and every statement in this letter, there are 2 counter thoughts. If I were to write those, I would have to write the 2 counter thoughts to each of those 2 counter thoughts, and so on and so forth. I feel every situation, every emotion, every person all the time.

Please, just make this stop.


(no subject)

my friends are in a band called corporate saturday.
they are the most talented people ever && i love them all to death.
the singer used to be my bestfriend, but we both drifted. we're still friends though. he's a sweetie.
the bassist is my reallyreally ((i'll say one of my bestfriends)) goodfriends older brother.
the guitarist is my best guy friend, and my one of my other bestfriends boyfriend.
and the drummer isn't really in our group of friends, but i used to like him haha.. and he's a really great guy. hyper, but awesome.
i know this isn't really the place to do this, but you should all listen to the songs on their myspace. everyone can use a little corporate saturday.
don't mention where you got the link or anything, cause they'll probably make fun of me haha.
the song that plays when you go to the site is called fire in the sky, written before austen ((the lead singer)) joined the band. it was recorded at a local festival which they one some recording time. you can most likely hear me screaming =)
the second one, sunshine state of affairs, was recorded in christophers ((the bassists)) basement.
aaawweeessomeee song =)
they're recording another one of their originals when brendan ((guitarist)) gets back from ireland.
it's not soon enough
well, enjoy =)

p.s if it makes a difference, they're all between the ages of 15 and 17 and the four of them have been playing together for less than a year.

(no subject)


When I was in Tennesee for two weeks, you couldn't stop calling to say you missed me. When I got back, everything was great. You said you wanted to be with me. You liked me soooooooo much. When I left for another two weeks, you didn't call me once. Every time I called you, you had nothing to say to me. You didn't even want to talk to me. Never an "I miss you." "I can't wait for you to be home." You told me you didn't want to date anyone except me. I agreed with you. But when I was gone, you were with a different girl every night. And me? I stayed true to the one I couldn't even call mine.
I get home, school starts, you still don't give a damn. How am I supposed to take that? I start seeing someone else. He's amazing. He actually actually lets me know that he likes me. He shows his emotions. Hell, he actually has emotions.
And I'm the bad guy here? Let's not play the blame game. You had your chance. If you liked me so much, why didn't you ever want to see me outside the one class we have togther? Steve and I can spend hours together and cut up and laugh and have an awesome time. You and I can spend 55 minutes together and never say a word.
I'm seeing someone else. You had your chance.