August 5th, 2005

help me

(no subject)

dear mee,
okay so things have been going pretty good the past too days have they not? my mood just went from blahh---->weeeee! so now its wearing out tonight, and im scared. im going to miss it. i don't want to go back to that other side. it scared me. i get to see him tommorow finally and that should help but why do i have so much anxiety about him today? i always think that when he's in a bad mood that there's something wrong and he's gonna break up with me though he loves me and i know it. im sure of it in the back of my mind cuz he reminds me every single day. whenever ithink about this, i get this sick feeling. i don't want to talk to anyone else on the phone except for him. everyone else who calls me just gets me even more annoyed. i don't get it and i hope no one thinks that im mad at them or avoiding them. im just getting back into old habits. soon i'll just hardly eat anymore. and i'll just mope around. people think that this is easy to get out of but its not, its really not. people say oh just go eat something if your hungry but then you go on some guilt trip after you do and that just makes things worse and then you start to feel sick and think that the next day you hafta eat even less. or they'll say then go out and find something to do. wellwhen you've lost intrest in everything then its hard to find something to do. you aren't motivated to do anything, to talk to anyone-even your friends that you love. maybe tommorow will be another one of my lucky days. i want this to last as long as possible but i have this feeling that tommorow is gonna be the same old stuff.
love.
Azure in Wonderland

To my Son;

Today, you are 7...

It seems so hard to believe. Only a few years ago, you were so little, in my arms, so happy, full of energy and full of life, excited to see the wonders of the world around you...

You are still my wonderful little star. The one who when I look at, I smile. I'm proud you are my son. I'm proud that you are the wonderful person that you have become. And I'm proud that you are all that I had ever dreamed a son could be.

No mother could be so lucky to have sucha thoughtful, loving, caring and beautful son, as I have. I look at you and I see so many wonderful traits, talents and abilities, I never know where to start with praise.

You are a phenominal child. I thank every day that you are here in my life making it better.

I love you.

Mom
  • Current Mood
    loved loving
infinite

(no subject)

dear tall blonde fella,
we said last night we needed to think. obviously were going to keep talking, but what happened the other night has thrown us both for a loop and now we are equally as clueless as the other.
we have decided that our options are either we stay together or we are over for good. and its something that we need to figure out. you say that your going to spend alot of time seriously thinking about all of it and what you want.
in the words of you, it comes down to: stay with something you know was good, but that you seriously fucked up, or end it and save ourselves some future problems.
well, i have to admit.... i really dont know if i want you back.
this is something i really need to think about.
love your favorite dreadhead


dear everyone here
do you go with what you know?
or how you feel?
love me.

(no subject)

i'm nervous. because i'm going to be honest.                         (shocking.)

sometimes i swear i am heartless. and entirely confused. i live with 6 europeans. and the only things i picked up were

 a little class, and a few cigarettes.                   you want to hate me for this but i don't see where you're coming from because you do this too.  i've felt out of character for quite some time now. i don't really like any of you now. don't take it personally, maybe it's just...well...                      this isn't high school. and i'm working my ass off for what. when i get out of here what am i going after. some glamour. some change. some shocking images and finger paints that costs 40, 000 dollars a year. some silly bands to keep me moving and spinning and shaking and twisting when i can't stay at home because i am always all alone with a bunch of chain letters and pen pal pictures that feel so distant it hurts to even try to feel it.

              i want to burn all my photos, because looking at your faces makes me so happy i can't cry any harder.

it's a dizziness and a shaking in my hands from a lack of substance. &everything i abuse. my body my heart my self respect.

i wake up in the middle of the night on the wrong bed and go into the other room stumbling. and i see a few people passed out with wine bottles and cigarette boxes on the coffee table. and the smell of it all makes me sick, like i'm in paris all over again, like it could ever feel the same way. and i can't shake the feeling of wanting something better.

it's not that bad. i swear. when i'm outside inhaling fumes. burning up from the heat. trying to breathe. but all i can think to do is play some song over . and over . and over .                       it's not that bad.

i have best friends. that live to far away to tell me everything. i have love. thats so distant. i just don't want to feel anything else, but i do. and i let myself go. i say things i don't mean.

i lead everyone on. acting like i want to see them again. acting like i want to spill my life story. to hold hands and kiss in the movie theatre.             i don't.                                        i just don't have anywhere else to turn to.

i try to sort things out. and i make them worse. i wear this gold makeup now, to bost my self-esteem, i just like the way it looks. i just like to get the impression that i'm glorious through and through. even when the best i can do is give out my number and never pick up the phone.

i walk back to my house after 9 hours in the dark. and i don't think about the dangers. i'm not cautious. and i tricked myself into thinking i was invincible, and now i can't shake it when i want to grow up.

i could get myself a cape and a mask and fly around town and look just as indifferent as i do now.

i don't want to keep these habits, but i wont let myself shake them either. i go one way. or the other.

or the other, or i'll get ya i'll get ya.

i've done too many nites accidentally. and i plan it all so well to work to my liking. and when i think it's all going to be okay, i realize the minute i wake up, that i hate every second i make a choice on my own. i don't do well this way.

i don't hold up so well under certain kinds of pressure. i don't hold up well, under my own influence.

i need to told how to walk and talk and look and feel. because when i lead, i bring everyone else down with me. and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

so honey,  please i insist.                 you lead, and i'll follow.

same sky

And so I write this.

I write this now. To everything that's happened. Everyone that I've hurt, everyone that's hurt me.

Just Rip Me Away.

Oh, rip me from this nightmare
Your blood for me no longer shed
Take me from this torture
My life right now already dead

No, no, rip me away
Rip me from the hallowed night
The day I cannot bear to fight
Just take me, and break me
Shake me, make me

Because I'm tired of being
So frustrated
I just wanna be
Somebody, just not me
I'm tired of sinking, down
Down, down
Trying to understand
Won't you take my hand?

Forever you can see
This person known as 'me'
Just rip me away
Rip me away, yeah

Tear me into pieces
Oh, I don't feel the pain of it
Watch me stumble, now again
You don't care one single bit

No, no, rip me away
Rip me from my darkest dreams
I am just not what I seem
Just take me, and break me
Shake me, make me

I'm tired of being
So frustrated
I just wanna be
Somebody, oh not me
I'm tired of sinking down
Down, down
Trying to understand
Won't you take my hand?

Forever you can see
This person known as 'me'
Just rip me
Rip me away, away yeah

I'm tired of being
Somebody else
Frustrated, and jaded
And everything that I can't take

(I can't take) x 4

Because, because

I'm tired of being
So frustrated
I just wanna be
Somebody, oh not me
I'm tired of sinking down
Down, down
Trying to understand
Won't you take my hand?

Trying to understand
Won't you take my hand?

Forever you can see
This person known as 'me'
Just rip me
Rip me away
Rip me away
Take me, and make me
Just rip me away yeah yeah

Comment if you wish.
  • Current Music
    Something Corporate - Bad Day

(no subject)

dear ___

stop liking my boyfriend and stop calling him baby and stop going " love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" it pisses me off to fuck. i want to rip yr head off.

me. :)

dear b/f

open your eyes. she likes you even one of yr others friends knows this. she doesn't stop hitting on you. i hate it and it makes me pissed off at yu for not seeing.
it gets me in tears. i hate it.
you don't seem to see
OPEN YOUR EYES.
and you can't understand why i was mad at you when it was just you and her going to the cinema together and you staying over at hers. ffs.

your current girlfriend. x

(no subject)

Boy,

I could hear you heart racing tonight as my head was on your chest, it is such an amazing feeling to know that I did that. Of course my cat had to ruin the moment, but he is gay and he wants you too. I really do love being with you. I wish I could stay in your arms forever. I wish I could kiss you forever. I can't even explain how I feel right now, I am at a loss for words, which I never am. I can't decide if I want to scream or giggle like a twelve year old. I can't get this stupid smile off my face though. Thank you.

Goodnight babe,
I hope my dreams are of you.
I love you.

Love always, your girl.