i'm nervous. because i'm going to be honest. (shocking.)
sometimes i swear i am heartless. and entirely confused. i live with 6 europeans. and the only things i picked up were
a little class, and a few cigarettes. you want to hate me for this but i don't see where you're coming from because you do this too. i've felt out of character for quite some time now. i don't really like any of you now. don't take it personally, maybe it's just...well... this isn't high school. and i'm working my ass off for what. when i get out of here what am i going after. some glamour. some change. some shocking images and finger paints that costs 40, 000 dollars a year. some silly bands to keep me moving and spinning and shaking and twisting when i can't stay at home because i am always all alone with a bunch of chain letters and pen pal pictures that feel so distant it hurts to even try to feel it.
i want to burn all my photos, because looking at your faces makes me so happy i can't cry any harder.
it's a dizziness and a shaking in my hands from a lack of substance. &everything i abuse. my body my heart my self respect.
i wake up in the middle of the night on the wrong bed and go into the other room stumbling. and i see a few people passed out with wine bottles and cigarette boxes on the coffee table. and the smell of it all makes me sick, like i'm in paris all over again, like it could ever feel the same way. and i can't shake the feeling of wanting something better.
it's not that bad. i swear. when i'm outside inhaling fumes. burning up from the heat. trying to breathe. but all i can think to do is play some song over . and over . and over . it's not that bad.
i have best friends. that live to far away to tell me everything. i have love. thats so distant. i just don't want to feel anything else, but i do. and i let myself go. i say things i don't mean.
i lead everyone on. acting like i want to see them again. acting like i want to spill my life story. to hold hands and kiss in the movie theatre. i don't. i just don't have anywhere else to turn to.
i try to sort things out. and i make them worse. i wear this gold makeup now, to bost my self-esteem, i just like the way it looks. i just like to get the impression that i'm glorious through and through. even when the best i can do is give out my number and never pick up the phone.
i walk back to my house after 9 hours in the dark. and i don't think about the dangers. i'm not cautious. and i tricked myself into thinking i was invincible, and now i can't shake it when i want to grow up.
i could get myself a cape and a mask and fly around town and look just as indifferent as i do now.
i don't want to keep these habits, but i wont let myself shake them either. i go one way. or the other.
or the other, or i'll get ya i'll get ya.
i've done too many nites accidentally. and i plan it all so well to work to my liking. and when i think it's all going to be okay, i realize the minute i wake up, that i hate every second i make a choice on my own. i don't do well this way.
i don't hold up so well under certain kinds of pressure. i don't hold up well, under my own influence.
i need to told how to walk and talk and look and feel. because when i lead, i bring everyone else down with me. and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
so honey, please i insist. you lead, and i'll follow.