July 31st, 2005

(no subject)


Why did I let you have so much control over me? Why can't I just go back to the way I was before you did this? Why did I let you mean so much to me? Why did I trust that you wouldn't break my heart?

I was stupid enough to believe you actually loved me.

Fuck you.

  • Current Music
    "Want It" -Darvoset
i'm not...

(no subject)

oh my god boy i could stare at you forever and you wouldnt have to say a thing about it. okay look i love you more than words can say...its like this pulling thing in the pit of my stomach, this lifted, flying feeling in my body and every piece of me belongs to you...not that you need to be aware of that just yet. see i'm not gonna approach you like i did before i'm gonna be a while away just to see your reaction. honey you have a girl already, and even if you dont want her i'm not gonna encourage anything...i'm gonna let you do what you want. unlike every other girl youve taken a fancy to, you havent gone through me. not that i'm proud youve never asked me out, its just it seems like you'll always love me and i want to keep that thought fresh in my mind forever. i dont want to be like every other girl whos seen you, i dont want to say "my god boy, your sooo hot" because i know youve heard it before.
i want to blow your fucking MIND ben! i want to be like nothing youve ever seen, heard, felt...when we finally get together its going to ba amazing and we'll always be friends...forever! i know you love me, i know but lets keep those thoughts away for a while. its not even about hard to get anymore...its about "this girl is probably as in love with you as i am". i want to be your friend i do remember you said what you want in a girl is what you want in a friend so we can be friends for a while. i really dont want you to leave anyone behind for me okay?
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love you so much!!!!!!!!
and i'm not even trying to sound conceded!!!!!!! i HATE myself but you make me feel 8 shades of Beautiful and i love it, i love you for being there when my eyes were empty to tell me that i dont need to cry anymore. i'm so glad to have you as my friend. i could talk to you for the rest of my life and never get bored of it...we're still young! we're gonna go off and have romances and whatnot but while all of it happens i want to know you inside out...i want to know your expressions i want to know your opinions i want to know YOU! when we get together i want to know you like no one else. thats why we're gonna shake the world when we walk around together...

  • Current Music
    depeche mode-black celebration

(no subject)


I got really upset when you said you were going to Dillons last night. I don't like the feeling of sitting home and worrying, and you don't know how many times I fought tears back because it's one of the worst feelings in the world. I wish you weren't stupid and didn't do things to make me have trust issues with you, but I wish more that you would just accept that I do and not make me feel even more horrible about the situation. I feel bad enough for not trusting you, but it's not my fault. I was hoping to call you last night when you were drunk already but to my luck you only had one beer in you. I wanted to check up on you...I wanted to know you were behaving. Of course you were...you didn't have anything in you. I know I shouldn't act this way though, you get upset when I hang out with my friends. I'm sure you know somewhat what I'm feeling, but the thing is...I haven't cheated.

Another thing. Hanging out with the girl you used to have sex with all the time wasn't a good idea. I hid in Tylers Bathroom for a good protion of the night because I didn't want to cry in front of everybody. When you called me up crying, telling me she just yelled at you the whole time and it was horrible I couldn't help but be like "Good, that's what you deserve". She's a total tweak and if you ever hang out with her again I'm bitching you out. I don't even want to hear her name anymore. Thankyou for helping me hate someone else. The thing is, I mostly hate her because she made you cry. How pathetic.

I'm sitting here waiting to hear from you. CALL please, I think I'm going to go mad. I want to hear about your night. About how much you behaved yourself because you love me.

I dressed up pretty.

Will you see me today?

I love you.


love me

(no subject)

My Darling Josh,
Sitting in the comfort of some room that I used to call home, and watching as you pour your heart out, as you cry your lungs out to this Lord that I used to call Father. My lips are screaming and singing and longing as my heart beats slowly, bleeds softly, as Im dying before all of you that seem to care so much. Im dead and can't you see it? Open your eyes, those gorgeous pools of blue, open them up and hold me. Open them up and pick me up off of the ground. Sing to me, sweet song, I will not be afraid.

Are your mountains crumbling the way you seem to see it? Generic words are generated through loneliness and I want to scream that they're mine. Weren't they once mine? But now they're hers and on to her, soon they will be for a girl I've never seen...soon you will forget about loving me.

Regrets are lost inside of me, and I can't help but hate everything that I am. The song that you sing to me, it's there, the soft picks at guitar strumming through all of me, and breaking me even more.

Didn't you say that you loved me? That you would do anything for me, that I was the most beautiful girl that you had ever met? But then, wasn't that before Sarah, before Elizabeth, before Mykenna...I was just a hint of the beauty you would see, and that you will see. Im the first, the least, the monster that you once longed for.

Didn't you say that you would wait for me?

My mountains are crumbling, and the asphalt breaks beneath me, locusts screaming through the trees and I have no peace. The oceans roar a threatening attack, and I am afraid. I will not claim fearlessness, I will not pretend that God is anything to me anymore. God of Jacob, He is defender, He is our Father, and he is here

Where? Can you take me to him? Where?

Take my soft hand in yours and lead me with song and take me to this God that saves that I once knew...or is it too late for me?

Let it not be too late.

  • Current Music
    The Bravery~ Honest Mistake

(no subject)

Dear Daddy,

I'm sorry I've changed, but I'm sorry you changed more. I haven't talked to you since you came to my house and choked me. (Sorry to be so blunt). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that andhow everything was, you know...before I was a teenager and you hated me. The thing is, I'm not even sure if I miss you. I miss who you used to be...which is something we both seem to share. Although I'm the one who was suppose to change, not you. You were already a teenager, but you still have yet to grow up. Ever since you married Gina things have just been different. She's a horrible wreck of a person. She's so secluded, I mean she does work with 3rd graders in a Christian school. She has no clue how teenagers act...and neither do you.

None of this was my fault, yet You both said I should blame myself.

I know for once that something isn't my fault.

No one deserves that.

Yet...I must, somehow.

(no subject)


You coulda brought me to the 'effin concert. I like them too. I woulda gone.

Maybe it's because I am money-less right now.

Maybe it's because of Joe.

Maybe you just shoulda asked.