July 30th, 2005

dying

(no subject)

Dear lover,
To put it simply, you are the flightiest, suckiest, most candyass punk I have ever seen, even if that is all I have on you. Fuck you.
xoxo
Nikki
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buddy!

(no subject)

dear self,
thank you for having the courage to ask questions. thank you for having the guts to speak up and end so many months of confusion. the months that we drifted apart. thank you for holding nothing back and asking the one question that you needed the answer from the most. i don't give you enough credit. you're strong and courageous when you need to be. you do what has to be done. i don't like the wayy you let your friendships with some people fall apart though. but the people who matter the most are still with you. thank you for reading the letter, and realizing that he's only doing this because he loves you. thank you.
LOVE,
chelsea

dear andrew,
thank you for not throwing away our friendships on the many opportunities you've been given. i treated you badly. i yelled at you, and got flustered with you and you sat there and took it. you didn't deserve it. thank you for answering my questions truthfully, and like myself, holding nothing back. i needed the truth and i needed closure and you gave it to me. thank you for making this friendship work, by saying "this conversation isn't over" when i thought it was. thank you for making me laugh. for giving me the longest goodbye i've ever had. for giving me the longest crush i've ever had. for being an amazing guy. for being an amazing friend. i don't deserve you, but you're still there for me. we're growing close again, and i love it. i know next year is going to be tough. having you be a year younger than me and the chances of us having lunch together both semesters are slim, but i will try. my goddamned hardest, and i hope you will too.
i love you, and you love me too!! haha =)
LOVE,
chelsea
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(no subject)

Dear A.,

You know that saying, "For every girl there's that boy, and the summer he changed her life"?

Well, you're it, and it's now.

Every girl deserves three kisses in her life: her first real kiss, the top-of-the-ferris wheel kiss, and the freezing cold-pouring rain kiss.

And you, my dear, have two of mine.

Every girl experiences her first love.

And every day, I find myself more and more in you.

It's utterly amazing how incredible you truly are. And I am so lucky. So lucky to have a boy who tells me every single day how lucky he is to be with me.Other people tell me how good I have made you. But I think the real miracle is in how you have changed me. You're my miracle.

Yours,
J.

PS- And I forgive you for turning me into an every girl.

.....yeah....

Brandin,

I can't decide if I want to let you read that entry or not. I can't decide a lot of things when I am with you, because my mind doesn't work right when I am with you. Trust me I am not complaining about that, I love how I feel when I am with you. I know for the longest time I said it just couldn't work out with us, but I was just scared. I always am scared to let people into my life, because I am scared to loose them. I'm scared of a lot of things, I think you have figured that out. I am scared that you are sick. As much as you want to tell me you are fine, your not. I know these things. Normal people don't feel sick and/or throw up when they eat, not as much as it happens with you. I wish you weren't stubborn. You won't go to the doctor, and I promise you this, if it keeps happening I am going to talk to your mom about it. Yes tests will most likey be done, but don't worry needles don't hurt as much as you think they do. Take this from a girl who gets 10 viles of blood drawn at least twice a month, okay? It is nothing. Babe, I don't want you to end up like me. I told people I was fine for almost three years, and I am not fine. Not fine at all. Now my life is full of doctors and tests. I know you don't understand, but being sick isn't fun. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. So you see why I get so scared? Because I can't loose you. I just can't. I wonder if you would get as scared as I do if you knew about me being sick. You know I get sick a lot, but you don't know what is really going on and I'm not sure if I want to tell you or not. I don't want you to be worried, but I guess then you would understand why my mom gets to worried when I get a cold or not enough sleep. Why is so strict with me. You think it's just a cold, and it is for you, but when I get a cold, I can end up in the hospital very very ill. I don't want to get into that though, it doesn't really matter. So yeah...yesterday when you left Caitlin's house, you didn't hug me or anything. Sadly, I got really upset when you didn't. I understand you didn't feel good, but I guess I am just a loser. I cried when I got home. Not because it hurt that much just because you mean so much to me and it confuses me. I have never been in a serious relationship and I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I have never felt so strongly for anyone. I am so scared I am going to ruin something. I haven't been this happy since Jr. High. (when I didn't care about anything.) I want to say  I am in love with you, but I don't know what being  in love feels like. Everyone keeps bothering us to kiss eachother, but I am really nervous too. I mean I have kissed a guy before, but none that mean as much as you. Plus I don't want to look like a complete idiot if we make out. Since I never have before.(Yes I know amazing. What can I say, I don't like being a tounge whore.) I mean I don't get why you don't do it, maybe your nervous too. Why are you nervous though? It's not like you haven't done all of this before. Sometimes I feel like I am being too bitchy to you, but I can't help it. That is how I am. Just like when I got upset today, I put up my walls and walked away. I can't keep doing that. Hiding from my feelings and shutting people out. I don't mean to do it but I just do. If you knew how I grew up you might understand. I don't know. Being with you just makes me so happy and I wish I could be with you all the time. Just being able to hold hands with you makes me happy. It's pathetic, because when I have to leave you, I get really upset. I am sorry for ever hurting you, if I did. I don't know why I didn't see all of this before. I think I was just scared to accept my feelings for you. I hope you can deal with me and know I am new at this whole relationship thing. Dating has never really been something I wanted to do. I always thought is was dumb because relationships normally don't last long. So just be prepared. And know I am a bitch. I'm stubborn. I have a horrible temper. I am over emotional. When I get mad, I shut people out. And I complain alot. I'm scared of everything. I get sick all the time. Im not perfect and I have alot of flaws. I get nervous over everything. and I get very ditzy sometimes. I don't think before I speak. I don't know when to shutup. I don't know what to say most of the time and I don't give in easily. So yeah....

Promise me you'll be different than all those other boys. That you'll never hurt me. Promise me that we can make this work and that we can be together for a long time? I don't want this to be just another high school romance. I want it to be real. I just want to let you know you mean the world to me. And I am pretty sure this is love. and I love you.

<3 always, Jessica.

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