July 26th, 2005

(no subject)

I see you there. Being your awsome self. I watch girls from around the room gather around you seemingly asking questions and such. we all know what their doing. They like you, I like you. I just dont have courage enough to do anything about it. I sit in my corner on the window ledge behind you and watch while you humor those girls and amuse them and force back the feelings of pain and anger i feel when one shows the slightest bit of interest more then friendship. I know, I'm just jealous. i really wish i could talk to you now...

I really wish you'd talk to me. I feel horrible for what I did that day. It's not that I dont like you, It's that I don't trust her. You had her tell me that for you and I didn't beleive her and i acted evil. (plus i was having a bad day.) Then the next day I saw your reaction and my heart just sank, when our eyes met for a minute I felt horrible. I really want to tell you this in person or actually tell you, but since you are evading me quite well, i cant.....

(no subject)

dear my good ol friend,
so yes im sorry but like what the fuck are you thinking?? i know that i tell you i love you but thats because you say it first. im sorry if thats the lamest excuse but like i just want to be nice and friendly. and you know that were good friends. but to be very honest IT FUCKING BOTHERS ME YOU FUCKING WHORE. like seriously i dont care if its your personality or life time dream but like shut the fuck up about that i love you bullshit. like im sorry that i made out with you and im sorry that i feel this way, but hey at least im not a fucking liar. i just dont understand why you told me that you "loved" me all this time and like not dump your bf and hook up with me. but as soon as im single and youre single you start to make a move and all that shit. i do not fucking understand. you probably wont read this mail but fuck you anyway. i thought you knew me but i guess youll never know this part of me.
from, me

I'd rather have tough situations with you, than complete perfection with someone else.

Dear ..Friend

I always write to you, because I dont want to write to myself, because I can never answer my own questions. Im far too busy asking them. I love him with everything I have inside of me. I've chased him around for months. I stood next to him while he was with her, and I dealt with it. It killed me to see him with her. I waited. Then, throughout their breakup, I waited more. I was so anxious to see where we would go. Now, I have him. Now, he told me he was in love with me. I finally have what I've been waiting for for months. WHAT AM I DOING?! I don't know what Im doing. Im just going crazy. Why can't I just appreciate him? I want to. Why can't I just love him and never question him and never doubt him? Why can't I be there for him? Why do I have to be in a sad mood whenever I'm around him? Why do I say things I don't mean and do things I know I shouldn't do? I have everything with him. Everything I could ask for.. and more. I don't even deserve him. Hes the perfect guy. Hes the perfect person. I don't know why I am the way I am. He says Im not in love with him, and the things I do and the way I act proves it. The thing is, nomatter what I say, or what I do, I can feel that Im in love with him. I can try to explain myself over and over using any words I can think of and it just doesn't work. I swear that Im trying to prove to him that I love him, but everything I do is always wrong, or just proves the opposite. He is my world, and Im pushing him away. Im letting him go. I don't wanna do this anymore. I just want the okay life I expect would come with having the perfect person and/or people in it. Please don't let him leave me because Im failing him.

Thanks for listening to me.



nomatter what it seems like,

Im in love with you. the end.

can't you just fucking believe me and appreciate that I love you and only you will all my heart? It would make it alot easier for me to show you I love you if you believed me. Why show you I love you if you're so set in your ways? Why spill my heart to you, if I've done it over and over in as many different ways as I possibly can, and you just don't get it? I'm sick of proving myself to you, even if its worth it.

ps. thanks for the hickey. I like them. plus, I like your mouth on me or touching me anywhere,anytime.

~the one you claim to be in love with.~

Dear dad,

How is cocaine more important than me? I just want a fucking explanation. you live next door to me, and we don't even fucking talk...

I tried to come over. I knocked and knocked and yelled and called. You. you stood in that house and ignored me because you want to do drugs. I love you more than mom, but you're a fucking douche sometimes.Im not as important to you as I used to be.

your unwanted daughter.
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(no subject)

Dear Paul,

I know that you love me, but not like you think you do. I'm not destined to be with you. I'm your best friend, and I love you very much, but I'm not your soul mate and I'm not in love with you.
I'm sorry that this is so confusing.


(no subject)

Dear me,

Why do you have to be so stupid? Why can't you learn how to ride a bike properly like everyone does? Then you wouldn't have made the class get back to school half an hour late and miss their buses home. Then you wouldn't have to have sat in the bus and tried not to cry. Then you wouldn't have had to finally let the tears pour out when you called your mum to pick you up. Then you wouldn't have had to scream at her in the car because she refused to write you a note saying you were sick. Then you wouldn't have to Appear Offline on MSN to hide from your friends in embarrassment. Then you wouldn't have to show everyone what a fucking coward you are by not turning up next week.


Dear class,

Please forget today ever happened. And I'm sorry I made you miss your buses. Please don't hate me? I know I don't talk in class, but I'm really qute normal when you get to know me. Please don't tell anyone.


Dear teacher,

Fuck you for assuming everyone knows how to ride a fucking bicycle. I'm not fucking going next week and you're not gonna make me. I tried my best today and I'm just not going next week.


Dear ex-boyfriend,

I miss you so much but I pretend not to. It hurts me to look away from you and pretend that I don't give a damn about you anymore. I wish you were here by my side when I cried. Now, I bet you'll laugh when someone tells you about how 'your ex-girlfriend made us all late cos she didn't know how to ride a bike'.


sigh. i dont want to go to school tomorrow.