July 25th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Paul,

I wish (once again) that I could hate you. I did for a long time... I think... if it's even possible. It hits me at strange times... like now, when I'm just sitting in front of the computer. Someone accused me of being obsessed...in fact, you have too. I don't think it's obsession... because that would fade, I think. I don't know what to think. I lied when I said if you begged me I'd never take you back. You pissed me off big time then... I wanted to feel in control again. Though I guess I never was in control. I wanted you to argue with me, tell me that you needed me. I miss you, damnit. I miss you like air. I miss your grin, your laugh, your lips, your warmth... the way you did things... just everything. And what sucks the most is that you don't care at all. That's what infuriates me. I'm feeling the way I do... and you're just depressed with life. You don't miss me... you don't want to talk to me... you just want to wallow by yourself in whatever state you're in. Maybe that's how you deal with it. But I doubt it very seriously. And all this about "second chances" is COMPLETE bullshit. You no more want to start over than I want a third leg. You just said that because you know how I feel. Because I tell you. Your feelings are a complete mystery. But you feel bad that I feel like I do and you don't back... so you come up with this shit. To make me feel better. Well, no dice... because I don't want your pity. I want your love. You dumbfuck. I can't bring myself to truly like anyone because I'm hung up on you. I want you back. I don't want to wait on you any longer. And if I can't have you back... I don't want you in my life. I want you to go away. I want to get over you. I guess that's what I have left. I have to get rid of you and everything that was you. Do I have to tear up everything and burn it? Hock the ring you gave me? I don't know what to do. And neither do you. That's all you can say, "I don't know." UGH. You fucker. You know. You're so fucking afraid of hurting me you just won't say it. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I agreed to break up with you. I'm sorry I took advantage of you and your money. I was broke and as you well know, I'm high maintenance. I wish you'd never given me that ring. That I didn't ask for. That's $200.00 that you could have now that you've quit your job. It would have helped you. And you spent it on me, the worthless wretch.

Help me,
Aforementioned wretch

Dear Matthew,
I wish I would have stayed online longer to hear what you were actually going to tell me when I asked you my question. Maybe what you emailed me was everything you said... but something tells me there was more, but you edited it out. Damn my impatience. I really don't want to start anything necessarily right now... the above letter is evidence of that fact... but I wondered how you felt about it. I really do like you a lot... just not quite in that way yet. I'm glad you were honest with me and told me that you were thinking of someone else... I guess with this whole MC thing, that's probably best. I kind of want to know why you didn't continue with me... but I'm afraid to ask. I ask too many questions. I want to know too much. Personally, I think we'd be good together. I'm not like her... I promise. I think we're similar in some ways... but we're different in key ways. :) But I'm alright with being your friend. You're cool to have around. I'm sorry if I've ever scared you. I'm rather forward with my feelings. She said I wasn't nice enough for you to like me... that I was too frank. But I think I've been nice enough. I'm only intentionally mean to those who hurt me or people that I love. Everything else is just an outpouring of honesty that hasn't been tempered with tact yet. I'm working on that though. I don't know how often you read this... I know you sometimes do... so I guess this is my way of letting you know things indirectly. If you read it, fine. If you don't... then it wasn't meant to be.

Thanks for being my friend,
  • Current Music
    "Here by me" -3 Doors Down

(no subject)

dear andrew,
what. the. hell..?!
we used to be close, we used to talk about everythingg&then one dayy everything had changed.
you started to distance yourself from me, makingg me feel like you didn't like me and that i was the onlyy one trying in this friendship;; the only onee who cared.
it's been that way for GOD knows how long? five.. six months??
_&then yesterdayy you finally openn up and tell me you basically made me feel like shit for most of the time we've known each other because i liked youu and you were afraid beingg close to me would have "led to stuff".
apparentlyy it already had?
well, fuckk you!
i'm sorry to tell you, but i liked you BEFORE we even became close.
so don't tryy to pull that shit on me.
i tried so hard, SO HARD to make youu want to be my friend.
that's all i everr wanted, i didn't want a relationshipp.. i didn't want to likee you but i couldn't control they wayy i felt.
and you used it against me.
you say you don't blame me, but youu obviouslyy did if the reason you don't talk to me like you used to is because i liked you.
i'm sorryy, i should have KNOWN you wantedd nothing to do with me.. i know i should have, but it's not like i could tell myself "alright chelsea, you have to stop liking himm"
I KNOW that we woulld never be together..
which is why i tried so hard to be your friend!
i tried to put the fact that i likedd you behind me ((as hard as it was.. you know, havingg to watch you make out with some random RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME)) and you just ignored me.
i am gladd we talked, even though i did all of it.
_&i do hope you can open up to me again, cause from the sounds of it, you don't open up to manyy people.
i want it to be the wayy it used to be.
i want us to be friends, i don't likee you anymore,
and i'm happy.
now i'm just waitingg for you to groww up and be my fucking friend!
fuck.. the hardestt thing to have to deal with is having someone who you think the the world of, think nothing of you.
and then finding out, he did care, but was just afraid to showw it because of somethingg you had NO control over.
it reallyy sucked.
and i still blame myselff, but i know i can't.
i know i have to be more positive.
i know i need youu in my life,
and i hope you need me too..?
i love you andreww,
and all the times i've told you, you still thought i liked you.
so i would like to sayy now, that i love you with all of myy heart.
you mean so so so much to me.
the rare times we have actual conversationss, you don't know how happy it makes me.
and how angry//upset//worthless i feel when you ignore me.
what you do and sayy dictates the way i act.
i think SO highly of you, i respect you, and i really do love you.
<3 chelsea

(no subject)

Dear world,

I've spent my whole life surrounded. And I've spent my whole life alone. I wonder why I never wonder why the easiest things are so hard. I just want. I just want love. I just want something. Something for nothing. I'm a beggar and I'm a chooser. I'm accused. I'm an accuser. But nothing's unconditional. I hold the whole world accused. I've only got myself to blame. I wonder why I never wonder why the easiest things are so hard.

<3 Me.
  • Current Music
    The Bravery- Unconditional

(no subject)

Dear Jack,
I'm so in love with you, you have no idea. Last night when you said " You'll be on my mind all night" I smiled so much, but you love me for all the wrong reasons. You love me for my girlie parts & not my heart. I'm just not sure how to deal with this.

Dear Courtney,
thank you for being the only one who understands where I am coming from & thank you for loving me unconditionally for the past 3 years, you are the only thing in my life that is great & I wanna thank you for being the bestest friend in the entire world :)

Love Always,
Carly xxx
Credit: &lt;lj user=&quot;enchantastar&quot;&gt;

(no subject)

Dear Melissa,

It's been a while since I've written to you. But I think now is the time to write again.

The very thought of you makes me want to be sick. You think that you're such an innocent little girl simply going through the motions of life, but let me tell you how wrong you really are. I have known you for fifteen long years, love. That's your entire life. I've known you since you were in the womb. That's how long I've been around you. You've opened up to me and let me know absolutely everything about you - everything you've ever done. I guess that means I know you better than anyone. Let me just say that I wish I didn't, and that somehow I could get you out of my life forever, you little worthless piece of dirt.

Since the start of 2005, you have definitely proved yourself to be a dirty little heartless slut, haven't you? For ten months you were steady with Dennis. Sure, he was a bit immature at times (okay, maybe most of the time), but he honest to God loved you. Everything you were he was in love with. I could see it when he looked at you. You could have done anything and he still would have come back to you at that point. But then you crossed the line.

You cheated on him the day before you decided to break up with him, with a boy that you had only known for two solid days, if even that. In your eyes, Cameron was a beautiful and mature person, such a positive change from what you had waiting for you at home. He was tall, in a band, occasionally drank and smoked pot, and he was eager to be with you. Or so you thought at the time. One look from him and he had you completely brain washed. Did you see that one coming? Of course you didn't.

So the very first day that you hung out with him, you let him kiss you, escalating to making out with him, then to being just about naked under the covers of his bed, feeling eachother and learning eachother's skin. If you hadn't of had your period that day, you would have had sex with him. I was really disappointed with you when I learned that.

You were about to give your virginity away to someone that you had known for two whole says, maybe even less! Didn't you used to have that dream where you'd give your virginity away to someone that you felt that you loved wholely and completely? You didn't love Cameron, and you couldn't possibly have! What happened to your brain that day, Melissa? I feel like from that point on, you've become a monster.

But, with much guilt, you broke up with Dennis the very next day - January 7th. He cried, and went through the most hurt he'd ever been through in his life. But then again, who could blame him? He loved you. And you had been telling him that entire time that you loved him back. You promised him things like forever and always, and the poor boy believed you. He had never had something like you before in his entire life. Before you, he had nothing - his parents don't even love him. Could you blame him for desperately hanging on to your empty promises and false love? In sixteen years, you were the only person to ever look at him like that. He realized that another person wouldn't look at him like that for another sixteen. But he even said that even if they had, even if a hundred girls looked at him like you did once, he didn't want any of them. He wanted you.

And you didn't care if he wanted you, because you'd already moved on to bigger and better things, hadn't you?

You and Cameron were never really official, even when you asked him to be on his birthday about a week and a half after you two started seeing eachother regularly. Of course, the only thing you two ever did together was mess around. I understand how you didn't see it coming.

After about two and a half weeks, Cameron had a Cotillion Reject Party at his house for his close friends who were going to the school dance that night. Not including Cameron, there were about eight boys there. You were the sole girl. But that was just fine with you.

So out came the marijuana, and off came your clothes. You were party entertainment, weren't you? You didn't even know some of the people there, but it didn't stop you. You danced underneath the hands of the boys and in front of Cameron's video camera. Didn't you used to be self-conscious about your body? I remember the days when people never even saw above your knees or your shoulders because you were that afraid of what other people might say. Now, you just smiled when they all told you to go into the porn career.

Also at that party, you noticed that unless you were dancing completely naked, Cameron was ignoring you. This made you extremely angry. This is where that boy Alex comes in. You met Alex that night and hit it off pretty well. I mean, he was hot, wasn't he? And he seemed nice enough. So while the porn went on and the light were off and Cameron was sitting at the FOOT of the bed, you and Alex were under the covers: You were giving him a handjob and he was fingering you. There were nine other people in the room! What is wrong with you? And do you remember what happened when Cameron decided it was time to kick Alex out of bed? Cameron took over with the fingering and you gave him a handjob. Oh yeah, that was really cool.

Two days later when Alex asked you out, you said yes. It's not like you and Cameron were going steady, and Rob had even told you that Cameron said he didn't care what you did. Alex seemed nice enough, so why not.

But after five days, you decided that Alex wasn't cutting it for you, and that you missed Cameron. Too bad Cameron wanted nothing to do with you anymore, and rightfully so. Who does want to be involved with a whore like you?

So there you were. Alone, single, sad. You tried to convince Cameron for weeks that he should be with you again, that you were sorry that you hurt him, and it was all because Rob had been feeding you lies. Cameron started going out with some other girl, and later you found out that he was only using you anyway. Way to pick 'em, sweetheart. Not to mention, you left Alex completely crushed.

About two weeks later at auditions for your school's musical, Les Misérables, you met another boy - Brian. You'd already met Brian about two years ago at a cast party for a summer program that he wasn't really supposed to be at, but you'd never really spoken to him since then. So, you two got to talking and you were falling yet again.

You did better with this one, honestly. I was a bit more proud of you when Brian was involved. You talked to him for about two weeks after that before getting right into a relationship, and you didn't even make it known to him that you had any feelings. You were willing to be his friend for months and weren't actually expecting anything to happen until around now, in July. But you were lucky. He came back from February vacation and hung out with you a few days after.

On March 1st, he came over and you two watched a few movies together. He had taken your seat, you sat on him, etc. At the end of Dirty Dancing, he kissed your forehead and your heart absolutely burst. You two went upstairs and onto the computer. He kissed your mouth, and you were souring. After kissing for a while, he asked you if you'd give him the honor of being your boyfriend, and you said yes, almost screaming because you were so happy. You were high on life, and it was better than all those times you got high at Cameron's because this was real, and nothing could touch you with Brian.

Everything was going well. Brian was a busy guy because of his all honors classes and his gymnastics, but you didn't care. You adored Brian, and he adored you. You'd finally found yourself a nice guy and I was really, really proud of you. I honestly was.

Then you met a boy named Steve at a concert that you and Brian had gone to together. Steve was in the play, too, and was friends with your good friend, Collin. Brian had to leave the concert early and afterwards, you and Steve hit it right off. You spent the rest of the night with him, laughing and joking. You danced with him, and even ended up holding his hand in the pocket of his pants. At the end of the night, you told him you liked him, but weren't going to do anything about it because you had Brian. He said he sort of liked you, and that was the end of that.

The next day he called you and said that he'd lied, and that he really liked you. Now you knew things were going to get bad. I don't know where your brain went, Meliss, I really don't.

One day, Steve came over. You two just sat in your bedroom talking, and after a while, you laid down together and started to kiss. You jumped up and said that it never happened, to forget it, etc. Brian never knew.

So you and Brian went on for almost three whole months together. You hardly ever got to see him, but that was to be expected at the beginning. All was well. You'd forgotten Steve and everything was fantastic. That is, until the night of dress rehearsal. You and Brian got into a little tiff because he left half way through to go see Star Wars. You were crushed because Les Mis meant so much to you. You gave Brian the silent treatment, and after about a week, you both decided that you two would be better just as friends. You went your seperate ways, on good terms.

Later you found out that for about the last month of your relationship, he didn't really like you more than a friend, and that hurt you pretty badly.

So, your rebound was that boy Steve. You talked to eachother every night on the phone, and when you two saw eachother, you even started messing around. You swore that you liked him and just weren't ready for a relationship with anyone yet, and he certainly bought that story. Then you proceeded to break the boy to pieces.

He thought that he'd fallen in love with you, and the day when you said that you shouldn't be more than just friends, he died inside, like Dennis had. Now Steve has been going through a rough time and instead of being the good friend that you pledged to be, you've been pushing him away. I cannot express how angry I am at you for that.

When did you become this way? What happened to make you like this? What have you turned into? I cannot believe you. I seriously just can't. The way you treat people makes me so sick, I can't stand it anymore. You take people, chew them up and spit them right back out and then try to make yourself the victim. Well, let me tell you something - you are in no way a victim, so stop trying to act like one.

Honey, you're dispicable. I hate you.


(no subject)

Dear Community/World,


You all are probably sick of my sappy,helpless-romantic letters... but I just can't help it.

This morning I fell asleep in his arms. When I woke up he was just staring at me. The first thing out of his mouth was "You're so beautiful." I nearly started to cry. Especially since I look like a crack whore at dawn when I first wake up. :P lol. But he thinks I'm beautiful anyway. :::sigh:::

I want everyone to be this happy... so I wish all of you the best of luck.

Bye-bye! ♥
  • Current Music
    Candy Shop

(no subject)

Dear anyone,
Is it wrong to still want to grow old with your lesbian ex?
And to still want to have kids with her by your side, to raise them with her?
And to cry when she talks about how she still wants to raise kids with you,
knowing damn well that you want to say it back,
but you're the one that broke up with her- for him?
Is it wrong to want a relationship with someone who is here, now?
And still think about the future with her, then?