July 22nd, 2005

bondage

To Him..From Me.

Dear Boyfriend,
wow that sounds weird to put a label on the person
you think about constantly..
I tell you I love you, but is that what im feeling?
ive been hurt so many times and glued back together again
that i just cant tell anymore.
it would be nice to love you,
like I used to be able to love.
With all my heart and all my mind and all my soul.
But those themselves aren't even whole anymore
and I still dont know if im turning out ok.
I dont want my oh so ugly past to get in the way
of our future but it seems to be creeping up,
like a long lost thought slipping in and through
the corners of my mind.
Believe me, im the jealous type.
Will that get in the way like it did last time?
i miss you
but will that change tomorrow?
When you move will it still be the same?
will you still want me?
i dont get attached easily at all
but when i do it's so hard to let go
and i dont notice that i am until its too late
so if i feel like i love you
do i really love you truly honestly forever?
I dont know..
you can never trust your feelings.
but maybe im just a pessimist
and maybe i love you and you love me
and everything will be ok
or maybe im just being optimistic..
  • Current Music
    hawthorne heights

(no subject)

Dear boy,
You know those butterflies they talk about on tv?
Yeah, the ones that you think you will NEVER encounter?
The "I can't eat, can't sleep" butterflies have somehow managed their way to me. I barely know why, considering I haven't even known you for as long as I'd like to, but I feel them. Last night I think I got 3 hours of sleep, at most. But somehow yesterday when we were lying together watching that movie, I was tired as HELL. I skipped dinner, and ate like, a quarter of a bowl of cereal today, but I can tell that I'm insanely hungry. Why do I feel this so soon? I don't know. I already know I don't love you, maybe I will one day in the future, but I know I don't now. Hmm, maybe I feel this because I've never had anyone care about me as much as you "say" you do. I'm really not sure. I even already know that this probably won't last, considering you might be moving away, and we both go to different schools.
I've been thinking over and over again in my head "why me?" but I'm not sure it's such a bad thing. You know, it's been over a year since I've been able to feel butterflies, or even get a little nervous over a guy. In a way I'm even excited to feel heartbreak, just because now I remember what it's like to feel everything.
I'm not sure what's going on, but I think I like it.
  • Current Music
    Josh Gracin - Stay with me