July 15th, 2005

(no subject)

dear lisa,
like seriously what the fuck. you never fucking talk. weve been going out for like 2 months now but we only met 5 fucking times. like i dont fucking get it. im willing to go to your place but you always tell me that youre FUCKING BUSY. you never said that youll come over to my place. never. its not SEX that i want. its just i want to be with you. you fucking dipshit. i dont fucking care if your life was all a drama but hey WAKE THE FUCK UP. EVERYONES LIFE IS A DRAMA TO THEM. youre not the only fucking one you fucking retarded bitch. stop acting like some pile of bull shit just because you had a rough past. i dont fucking care. every fucking time we meet you pretend that im the only guy you want. and you tell me that too. BUT I CANT FUCKING TRUST YOU. like how can anyone trust a girl who NEVER FUCKING CALLS, NEVER STARTS ANYTHING, and i could fucking go on for like 20 years complaining about your shit. half the time i say i love you im thinking about some one else.

(no subject)

Dear Self,
your summer is sucking. just like last summer. and why? because you dont do nething about it. why arent you calling ppl. all you do is sit on your ass and watch tv or go online. your life is boring. i wish you were more fun to be around and actually did something with your summer. you promised yourself you wouldnt have your summer suck like last summer. the only good thing about your summers is camp and thats okay and all its great but c'mon you have to do something besides camp. its only been a handful of days you havent done shit. so you better start getting your shit straight and doing more then going online and watching tv. get your ass up and DO SOMEThING!

(no subject)

dear Lord,

why has all this aweful stuff happened to my family so much lately? are you testing us or something? if that's it, please just stop. i don't know if i can take any more deaths, three grandparents in 15 months! its aweful, and then two weeks after grandpa herkner died, we were robbed, not just our televsion and microwave.. but stuff that actually means something to our family. they took the wedding rings of my grandma,grandpa,and dad.. necklaces that my sister & i have made my dad ( they're not even good, its like bright green string or something ) his social security card!, and that indian.. psh, if they would have dumped out the change and left that stupid thing it wouldn't even matter that the money was gone. we've had that for almost 20 years, and within four hours of me leaving my dads house and him coming home.. its gone. that stupid door. why couldn't we have locked it the correct way? why is it that we have to make sure the doors are locked and that stupid chair is next to the door without a lock? why can't we just leave the house open some day and not come home to find our stuff missing.. or a little boy in my room feeding my fish. why can't we just live a normal life. why am i becoming so depressed, i'm fifteen! i'm not supposed to be depressed! you could've gradually had this all happen.. but no, everything was dropped on me at once.
this isn't fair.
conor1

(no subject)

Dear Self,

Quit crying. no one cares about you, and by now you should know that. no one wants to be your friend. and no one wants to talk to you. stick to your books and your internet, they don't let you down at least. stop trying to have friends. it's less disappointing when you quit trying. so just STOP. sit at home every night, and read, and watch movies. there's no point in eating anymore, maybe that way you might feel a little bit better about your self.
Quit telling yourself you're a good friend, when you dont know what to say when someone asks for advice, stick to your cats, they dont ask advice out loud. so i guess you couldn't really fuck up their lives. unless you dont feed them
Keep running. run from your past, from your present, from your future, that is, if it makes you feel better. i know i wont rest until i hear the pounding of your shoes against the pavement. you are so fat and gross, just keep running. it won't help any.
quit counting. there's no point,
quit trying to write this letter. just turn up your sad emo music and go lay on your floor. go cut. it might help numb you more. it may seem like it, but it hasn't been that long since last time. quit thinking that you dont need to see your shrink anymore. you do. quit telling yourself you aren't depressed. admit it, you are. go tell someone you need anti depressants and keep living. go get fucked up one more night so you dont remember anything the next morning. and go smoke with the people that keep asking. if you keep doing stuff so you can't remember what you did, life can only go up hill.

quit writing this letter. think of how psycho the people on livejournal must think you are.
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