July 12th, 2005

me

(no subject)

So I've written here more then usual lately but I've got more to vent and I've lost my person to vent to.

Dear dad.
I can't believe you are going to go out with your friends on my birthday to celebrate a birthday you missed. I mean I know the family is having something on sunday but I kinda had hopes of doing something with just you on my birthday like out to dinner at applebees. Maybe I should just tell mom that I can go over there or maybe I should volunteer to work on monday. I think that's what I will do maybe...or maybe I can just sit in my cave of a room with the door closed and cry because I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I haven't hung out with a single person this summer. You offered to have a combination birthday on saturday but I work saturday why can't it be friday. Better yet why don't you ask me what I want for my birthday. I don't expect a gift from you because I got my laptop early but I don't know so much is in question any more.

dear mom.
you asked me what type of cake I wanted but you didn't ask me what gifts I wanted. I'm sick of being so freakin dissappointed on my birthday because I'm too selfish to say what I really want in fear you might think it's too expensive although it's really not. I want new tennis shoes that I don't have to pay for. I want a gift certificate to target so I can get stuff for my dorm. I want a lock of my laptop (possibly). I don't want flipflops or skirts or any other article of clothing I don't want. I want a DVD...some chick flick that will lift my spirits when I'm by myself. What would be really cool is a gift certificate for iTunes for my iPod. I want batting for the quilt I'm making.

dear world.
why can't I be happy. All of my former friends seem to be happy so why can't I? Can't I just have alitle bit of happiness that exist in the world or is it a joke for you to keep me so unhappy.

(no subject)

Dearest Nathan,

You're going on and on
Because you got hurt again
And of course you expect me to save you
But what if I don't want to save you?
To be honest, I don't really care
Because this routine is getting old
And I think you lost yourself

If my life was over
Would you even care at all?

You tell me that you're crazy
And that I should just drop dead
But why do you even bother?
You're only wasting your own time
I would give up all my time if you asked me to

So what exactly did you want me to say?
Or did you want me to keep quiet?
But how can I keep quiet when I'm screaming inside?
I wish you would forget who I used to be
Who I am now is dying inside
And all I ever wanted was for you to save me
Hell, you can't even save yourself

If your life was over
Would you even care at all?

I wish I could make things better
And I know that you're crazy
But that used to be okay
Do you even remember who you are?
I'm holding my breath that you won't remember me

-Me
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