July 1st, 2005

(no subject)

Dear girl,

You know sometimes I get to thinking. Which when we were friends, me thinking usually resulted in me or you getting mad. But this time, my thinking leads to an apology. I'm sorry I can't forgive you. Because if I could, I would, and I want you to know that. I'm watching these two bestfriends seperate, and I can't help but think of me and you whenever I talk to both of them. I know I never talked to you about it, but I couldn't. So I wrote that thing in my journal to you and to him. It's just...neither of you thought you were ever doing something wrong. And to me, you both completely betrayed me. You never said you were sorry. Because youre not. And I feel this way because I think you should be. I couldn't even fucing talk to you anymore. On the phone after I found out..I put on a show that it really didnt bother me and that I really didnt care anymore. But honestly, I was shocked. Shocked that either of you could ever do that to me. And you need to know that I do think about the stuff we've been through. And before I ended our friendship, I spent a lot of sleepless hours and a lot of tears thinking if ending it was the right solution. But it came out to be the only solution. I couldn't trust you anymore. I still can't. And we made such a big deal about going to high school because we were so afrad of losing eachother...because we were all we had at one point. You were all I had at one point. But in the end, high school didn't screw us over. We screwed eachother over. And I don't care if you don't think that's true. Because I know it is. And I know that you are the one who knew I would care. And I know that you were the one who made the decision to not tell me. And I cant believe you did that to me. The one person who knew everything about me, is the one person who used it against me. What did I do to you? All you did was ignore me this year and go out and have new friends. But in the midst of me thinking you were just ignoring me...I know why. You couldn't stand to be around me because you knew deep down that you were doing something wrong. You did something wrong.

Dear boy,

I guess that was the easiest way to blow me off. You stay up with me untill 4 in the morning. You tell me how much you care about me. You tell me to call you, so I do. And then you tell me how you started talking with some of your old friends. And then you say someone called for your mom, so you have to go. But I know it wasnt for your mom. I'm not stupid. And then you say you'll call me back but I say I dont believe you and rush to get off the phone with you. And you never called me back. You're not the reason I lost my bestfriend, so don't give yourself that pleasure. I do want to thank you for not calling me back though. Because you dont know what you want. I don't know why you told me you cared about me that night. I don't know if it was true or not. But right now, I'm okay without you. You know, you can be someone. But you just dont want to be. I've always believed in you. And I still do. I'm over you. We are over. My heart doesnt skip a beat when the phone rings. Because I know it's not you. I don't go in stores thinking maybe you're in there..because I know that you wouldnt talk to me even if you saw me. I do think about you. But now it's more self pity than anything else. I hope you do become a better person. And I hope you realize that life is good. Because it took me a long time to realize that I actually want to be here. I know everyone thinks you're a failure, but it doesnt have to be that way. You never cared about me. And thats okay. Know that its okay. I just want you to be who you are. And that is not who you are right now.