June 25th, 2005


(no subject)

dear peter,
im sorry about the way i acted yesterday. i think you may be about to leave me. and as much as i dont want this to happen if you feel that thats what you need to happen than i gues i respect it. i really miss you. maybe im over reacting. i mean just because we had one little fight is no reason for you to end our relationship.

see ive never been good at this. being with someone.

why ahvent you called me yet? you said you would

  • Current Music
    system of a down :roulette:

(no subject)

i'm sorry that i bitch to you all the time. some of it is selfish arrogance at what you do or say. but alot of it is a harsh way of trying to get you to stop hurting yourself. i know that doesnt work. but nothing seems to and the only way i know how to do anything is go in bluntly and aggressively or not at all. and i hate to see you sad. and it makes me angry that you make yourself sad. so i guess alot of it is selfishness, but there's love in there really.
but i don't think you're entirely innocent. i mean you started the argument that lead to this. and you forced me to have a go at you cause i agreed with you at first until you wouldnt let up. and when you constantly go on about something you did with karl and maly that i didnt. it shouldnt make me jealous, it makes me pissed off that you do it on purpose/subconciously. and the way you are constantly 2 cm away from karl. that annoys everyone.
and another selfish thing about all this is, i get it. i think i understand all the things you do. that's pretty arrogant and presumptuous but i think i do. but even though i do, i think part of that makes me think you shouldnt get off on everything you do, cause if i understand it, you must, so you know its wrong. which makes me angry with you for doing it. so i guess im telling you to sort yourself out. which is totally wrong of me. i mean who do i think i am to do that. i have no real right to. at the moment. but i'd like to think if we went back to being like we were before all of this, i could tell you to work yourself out. but i don't think we could do that now. which is sad.
so i guess im saying im sorry for being like i am with you. but at the same time i think you have some explaining to do yourself.

i'm sorry i was weird with you today. you probably think i'm avoiding you. which i am, kind of. i think i have a commitment problem. which is a bit of dramatic statment, since i'm not one for being in situations where i can be that. but maybe thats why i think i have that problem. cause i don't allow myself to go all the way with it. i'm half way there with understanding it. i know that i should just go for it, cause i can get out if i want to. and i know part of it is wondering if i want to go for it enough to ignore any future prospects with other guys. and then i think i'm being retarded cause it's not like you're proposing or anything. and i know i hate not knowing what's going to happen in the future. and im just talking about relationships with someone and i know how to figure it out. make it simple. but then i know its not simple, cause nothing ever is when people are involved. so yeah...don't know what do. im such a fuck mook
  • Current Music
    nine black alps


To The One Who Made Me Cry:

Do you know what pain you have caused?
I really don't think you do. I was just looking back at some past entries... thinking about how much I used to care for you, when all you did was hurt me.
I wish I would have listened... my friends and family all tried to warn me. But no, I defended you every way that I knew how. Don't ask me why. Because now I see that you weren't worth any of the stuff you put me through.
Not just me. My friends and family too. You hurt them all so much. I wish I could fix everything... it sucks to still look at yourself in the mirror everyday and say "Wow, I'm ugly" because it's all you have known for the past year.

I just thank God that it's over now.
Because now I have someone who thinks I'm beautiful all the time... even without makeup, even when my hair is messy, even when I'm in a t-shirt and jeans. He says it hurts him to hear me call myself ugly.
He loves me more than anything... whereas you loved anything more than me.

I'm done feeling bad and putting myself down because of you. I have decided that I like his opinion better. I love him so much... he means everything to me.

So do us all a favor, and throw yourself off a cliff. Kthanks.
  • Current Music
    last resort*papa roach

another letter...

To The Most Amazing Boy I Know:

I love you. Soooo much. You mean more than anything else in the world to me.

I love how everytime I call you crazy you reply with "Crazy about you"
I love how everytime we have to go the last thing you say is "I love you so much"
I love how you are so willing to come up with these crazy ideas and actually follow through on them just to see me for a few hours, even when you have to go to work the next day.
I love how you're never willing to give up, even though we are going through a lot of crap right now.
I love how you never get tired of me; how you always seem so reluctant to leave, or even get off the phone, how you say you could be with me forever and never get bored.

But most of all, I love the way you love me.

Haha yes, it's mushy, but what can I say? That's really how I feel.
  • Current Music
    Nothin' to Lose*Josh Gracin