Don't worry about me seeing you in the wrong light. It struck me as odd because I would have never thought you would have allowed that sort of thing to go on... but then again, I didn't know you that well, so I was in limbo. It's good now. All faith has been restored.
There's so much going on. I wish you would have came over and held me. Seeing you would have done me good, I think. I figure it was because you were scared I'd cry and you'd feel even more like shit. Well, at least you were honest with me and didn't do anything stupid for fear of hurting me. And you're right... in the beginning... I wanted you to feel like absolute bird shit. But after I realized how you really were feeling, I felt bad for being that way. It's not your fault. You were just telling the truth: that you didn't want to see me anymore. I just got my hopes up. And now they're safely down again... where they should be. I get too caught up in my own fantasy... where things always work out the way I'd like them to. I took it rather well, though... I didn't cry or anything. I was proud of myself.
Good luck with your future,
The Dearly Departed
I wish I could scream into your face, but you're three thousand miles away, doing whatever you please. Indirectly hurting me. Maybe I'm a masochist. Perhaps you like being a hidden sadist.
I wish I could tell you I hate you. To you. And mean it. But I can't.
I was young when I fell in love with you [I consider it to be love]. I'm still young. I wish I weren't. I WISH I WEREN'T.
How many times can I scream it?! YOU SAY WHEN I'M OLDER, BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING COMES UP THEN?! HOW CAN YOU PROMISE THE FUTURE?!
I hate this. I hate YOU. And I know I don't.
I hate shedding tears for you.
I hate you having power over me to make me feel this way.
I hate that I am so COWARDLY. And cannot even.. do what I feel like doing in fear.
But I'd rather be angry. I'd rather be angry
than surrender to the sorrow that greeted me earlier in our break-up.
I don't even know how to sign this,
Your Kariann You Blatantly Tossed Aside.
I know you're never going to read this, because you're never going to
check livejournal. so I'm going to write your letters here. you're not
going to read them anyway.I want you to know that I hate you. I hate that you're not here with
me. I hate that I can't forget your face. I hate that I can't forget the
way you talked to me. How you made me feel alive.I hate that I can't
forget how well you treated me. I hate how sweet you always were to me,
even after I told you I loved you. I hate that I can't find you now when
I need you most of all. I hate myself for all of these things and I
think that if I could hate you half as much, I'd be okay.
Mostly, to quote some very wise people, I hate the way I don't hate you
I don't understand why you never even answered the letter-thing- that
breezy gave to you, from me. i mean, if we're not good enough anymore,
fine- but you're not even going to tell one of us that? I don't think
you understand how much I miss you. and how much I hate that I miss you,
because I don't have any right to. I don't function well when I'm
deprived. I mope. I cry a lot. I can't stand anything that might remind me
of you more. Breezy's witness to that. I just don't understand what we -
what I - did wrong...
I just want to know, is this new crowd worth it? I guess that's a
stupid question. They must be.
What would you say if you knew that I was ready to say "fuck it" and just give up? You said before, that you'd miss
me. Right now, somehow, I don't think you even remember my name.
Even if I'm just a little sister. I knew I was easy to forget but
somehow I didn't know I was THIS easy.
This shit with Nny breaking up with Breeze, what was that? I don't
understand, and I'm trying to make sense of it but it seems like there is
none. I mean...you went to Nny's... and you never came back. I just wish
that if you insisted on it being this way, that I'd gotten to say
goodbye. If your dad wins custody of you, and he decides to move- then what?
Then Breeze won't even have the security of knowing you're both alright
because she sees you around. And if she doesn't, then niether do I.
I wish you'd get out of my head. I wish my nightmare didn't replay in my head- the part where you die, over and over again- every time I close my eyes.
the old chew toy.
whatthefuckjust happned. i spill my heart to you about my depression and you being back memories from when we were together?! whathtehell. that really isnt helping me right now. were both bestfriends now, and were dating people who are best friends. we both agreed that even though were with each of them, that theyd be better suited for eachother. ive been crying since i signed off aim. i just want to be with you, but i know that cant happen right now. even if you told M_____ about how you wanted to break with with your girl, and be with me bc you still have feelings. what the fuck?! you said you hate the fact i hurt myself and that i have a low self eesteme and self image beaucse im your first love and youll always care. i dont know anymore.
i can not take this. i jsut want to die. i came so close last summer and you stopped me. i dont want someone to stop me this time
fuck this all.